by Will Kriegshauser

It’s impossible to go through life without disliking people who are more successful than we are. That’s just human nature. Sometimes these people make it easy on us by being total @$$#0!%$, and sometimes we have no choice but to feel like crap because they’re not. Here’s a short list of people who are the latter.

Strength: Brian Stann

Gentlemen, we have found Captain America

-Who? A mixed martial artist who’s currently ranked 10^th in the UFC middleweight division by Sherdog. But before that, he was a Captain in the Marine Corps who served in Iraq and got awarded a silver star for saving a bunch of his own soldiers when his platoon got ambushed. Bush even mentioned his deeds by name during a speech. You can watch him battle it out tomorrow in UFC 152.

-Why does he make us feel unworthy? He’s like the starting QB from your old high school whom you wanted to hate so desperately for all the obvious reasons (tons of friends, hot girlfriend, mountains of accolades) but couldn’t because he was actually a nice guy and volunteered at homeless shelters during his free time–something you never managed to do, by the way.

-Would you let him bang your sister? You would be honored…

Endurance: Jamie Moyer

Why, he’s practically his jersey number!

-Who? A starting pitcher for the Colorado Rockies. But not just any starting pitcher—a 49-year-old one, thereby setting the official record for oldest to actually win a game. Not only that, but he’s probably the Rockies’ best starter.

-Why does he make us feel unworthy? For the rest of us, if our scalps are even half-covered in hair by the time we hit 50, we’ll consider our lives a resounding success. The guy’s been a pro athlete longer than some of us have been alive.

-Would you let him bang your sister? No. With respect to his athletic longevity, that would be gross. Looks like he’s going to be the odd man out in the group…

Adventure: Richard Branson

Thanks! We think you’re spiffy too

-Who? The CEO of Virgin Mobile. There are lots of successful, charismatic CEOs in the world, but none that we know of who told high school and college to kiss the fattest part of their ass, which is what Branson did before he became a gagillionaire and the real-life inspiration behind Dos Equis’ most interesting man in the world.

-Why does he make us feel unworthy? Duh. He makes the rest of us look like entitled idiots. Unlike the rest of us, Branson knew that a diploma and a bunch of transcripts guaranteed bubkis in the real world. There’s a reason over half of new college graduates are either unemployed or underemployed.

Would you let him bang your sister? C’mon, the guy has his own freaking private island and spaceship. None of us are that proud…

Seduction: Wilmer Valderrama

“Room for one more in here, ladies.”

-Who? Fez from That ’70s Show.

-Why does he make us feel unworthy? Look at the girls he’s been with: Mandy Moore, Lindsay Lohan, Jennifer Love-Hewitt, Demi Lovato, Minka Kelly…that’s one hell of a resume for a guy whose cultural impact starts and stops at “Generic Foreign Character.” Wilmer Valderamma could quit acting and patent a testicular cancer vaccine and we wouldn’t care as much.

-Would you let him bang your sister? He already has…

Indestructibility: Yogendra Singh Yadav

-Who? The Indian version of Rambo. Not a lot of people have heard of this guy, which is kind of a crying shame.

-Why does he make us feel unworthy? Back in 1999, the guy was a part of a platoon tasked with capturing three Pakistani bunkers on top of a 16,500 ft cliff known as Tiger Hill. They did, but not before the following transpired:

Grenadier Yadav, volunteering to lead the assault, was climbing the cliff face and fixing the ropes for further assault on the feature. Halfway up, an enemy bunker opened up machine gun and rocket fire, killing the platoon commander and two others. In spite of having been hit by three bullets in his groin and shoulder, Yadav climbed the remaining 60 feet and reached the top. Though severely injured, he crawled to the first bunker and lobbed a grenade, killing four Pakistani soldiers and neutralizing enemy fire. This gave the rest of the platoon the opportunity to climb up the cliff face. Yadav then charged the second bunker along with two of his fellow soldiers and engaged in hand-to-hand combat, killing four Pakistani soldiers.

-Would you let him bang your sister? If it means he won’t rip your heart out just for fun…

Exploration: Kevin Connolly

-Who? No, not E from Entourage. This guy.

-Why does he make us feel unworthy? You might notice that the shorter, more awesome Kevin Connolly was born with no legs. Despite that, he’s gone on to live a normal life and become a successful photographer. He’s taken more than 32,000 photos since 2006 as he travels the world, and he’s logged more skateboard hours than even the moodiest teenagers. He’s a rock-climber and he won a silver medal skiing in the X-Games…an activity you might have thought required legs, but no. All those extreme activities you say you should do some weekend and maybe get around to once a year? That’s what Kevin Connolly’s doing all the time. And he likes to challenge people’s ideas, which makes him our kind of guy.

-Would you let him bang your sister? Absolutely. But he’d better not take any photos.

The NCAA only wishes it had rivalries like this