There are many important questions we must ponder in life. Is there a God? Is Capital Punishment justifiable in a civilized society? What’s going to happen on the final few episodes of Breaking Bad? But the most important and controversial question that most of us will deal with on a regular basis is “Where are we going to get drunk tonight?”
Trying to organise a group of friends that live in different parts of the city to meet in one place is the closest most of us will get to knowing how the people who planned D-Day felt. And after 2 hours of passive-aggressive texts and indecisive emails you will be just as willing to send certain members of your party into machine-gun fire.
1. The Selfish One
You’re not in college any more so gone are the days when you would all just head to the nearest bar to your dorm room. These days you’re all spread out over different parts of the city so it makes sense to pick a central location, somewhere well serviced by public transport, taxis and, depending on how much you plan on drinking, ambulances. That is, unless you’re with the Selfish One; then it makes sense that you all go to the bar next door to his house.
According to the Selfish One this bar is the city’s best kept secret. The beer is affordable, the serving girls are all lingerie-clad supermodels and the house band is the Foo Fighters. In fact, his suggestion has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that it’s only a five-minute drunken stagger to his own front door.
What will happen If you say yes? You’ll spend the guts of two hours travelling out to this mythical boozer of the gods…only to discover that it’s just a mostly-empty sports bar and the closest thing on staff to a lingerie model is when the 70-year-old owner forgets to take her Alzheimer’s meds and comes downstairs in her bra.
You’ll have two or three lukewarm beers before leaving at 11:30 to catch the last bus that can bring you back to civilization.
2. The Party Girl
It’s a Tuesday. You’re only looking for a few beers before heading home to catch up on Suits but she knows the bouncer on the door at “Wrath,” “Sloth,” or some club named after a deadly sin, and she’s pretty sure that you can all get in for free. If it’s not the bouncer then she’s BFFs with the DJ or the promoter, either way you’re never going to find out whether or not Donna gets her job back.
The Party Girl is an invaluable accomplice at weekends, holidays or any other time when you’re not in work in 6 hours but is incapable of heading out without it escalating into Hangover-style shenanigans.
Notoriously persuasive, the Party Girl will generally get their way because, let’s face it, it doesn’t take a whole lot of convincing to get you to head to a club full of booze and attractive women.
What will happen if you say yes? You’ll wonder how your “quiet few drinks” turned into a “who can shotgun the most tequila” competition as you stumble in the door at 5:30 clutching your second-place shot glass. Being hungover for work is no longer an issue because if the liver breaks down one standard drink an hour then, by your calculations, you won’t be hungover until January.
You should probably try to remove the glow in the dark body paint though.
3. The Old Man
In reality he’s the same age as you but spiritually he’s a pair of comfy slippers and a Best of the Eagles CD away from being your dad. Somehow he’s been aging in dog years since you guys have left college.
Managing to get him out of the house is a victory in itself but when you do manage to shoehorn him out of his comfort zone then he has very different priorities in venue selection from the rest of you. While you’re worrying about drink prices, closing hours and whether that bouncer will remember you from the “Jagermeister incident” he’s concerned about music volume, seat-availability and how polite the waiting staff are.
To be fair, the Old Man can’t just stay out all night drinking like the rest of you. He’s got a serious job with real promotion prospects and he if he doesn’t take it seriously then he won’t make partner and his five-year plan might as well be useless!
You will never understand what the Old Man does for a living, he’s told you plenty of times but your brain always refused to pay attention because of how terrifyingly grown-up it all sounded. All you know is that your old, carefree friend is trapped inside there somewhere, and maybe the right combination of cheap liquor will set him free!
What will happen if you say yes? You’ll spend the night (well, the “late evening” since he has to be back by 11:00) in some awful chain restaurant/bar that he likes because it’s clean and not too loud–even though you’re pretty sure that the restaurant’s staff singing “Happy Birthday” to the kid two booths down is more loud and irritating than any rave.
In his favor, the Old Man can use his secret power of financial stability to pay for drinks but this is generally outweighed by the fact that all he wants to talk about is how stressful yet fulfilling his job is.
This makes it your job to remind him of the good old days and subtly hint that “the good old days” were only two years ago, as he’s only twenty freakin’ four!
4. The “Alt” One
“There’s a wonderful band on in this obscure little bar that you’ve heard of. What kind of music do they play? Well, they don’t really like to be confined to a single genre but it could probably be described as jazz/folk/rockabilly fusion.”
You used to admire the Alt One for her obscure tastes and her refusal to bow to popular trends but that was back in freshman year when you were still pretending to be a unique and interesting man of taste. You kicked that habit pretty quickly after you realized that French Arthouse cinema is criminally lacking in car chases and explosions.
When you do manage to keep her from staying in and watch Amelie on Netflix again she’s never happy with simply heading with “Dollar-shot Tuesdays” at McGinley’s. No, her tastes are more esoteric.
You never did look up what “esoteric” meant you suspect that it might be Latin for “aggressively douchey”
What will Happen if you say yes?
The bar doesn’t even have a name. You’ll pay a 15-buck cover charge just to stand in a basement surrounded by a sea of unnecessary glasses and skinny jeans while silently contemplating murder.
The band is interesting though. It’s not every day you see a five-piece ensemble where they all play the banjo. That one song they had about co-op, fairtrade farming in Venezuela was actually pretty catchy.
Richy Craven is an Irish freelance writer and semi-professional idiot. You can check out more of his stuff over at Cracked, A Series of Terrible Decisions or keep up with his ongoing quest to find gainful employment on Twitter.
Richy drew further parallels between the banal and the godlike when he dredged up five Bat-Villains Too Lame to Be in a Dark Knight Movie.