by Brian Cullen
At Man Cave Daily, we’re all about the glorification of the Bs – babes, booze, Batman, automoBiles, @Boobsradley and Bluke BcKinney. But let us now break focus and remind ourselves that there are some gentlemen out there who deserve more than our praise and admiration. Rather, these stalwart legends are deserving of a downright man crush.
Gentlemen, David Robinson is one such man.
You might know him as the 7’1” center for the San Antonio Spurs with a killer smile, or one of the 50 greatest basketball players of all time, or an Olympic gold medalist, or a man whose other qualities are so awesome that, for once, the internet knows about a celebrity with a moustache and isn’t talking about it.
But the legend of David Robinson doesn’t end with his performance on the court. The truth is, he’s like a kind Bill Brasky. Put another way, he’s the guy that your girlfriend falls in love with, but you can’t be mad about it because he’s genuinely great. But even worse, once he finds out your girlfriend is in love with him, then he’ll help you get her back.
Gahhh. This freakin’ guy, right?
Don’t believe me? That’s fine. I’ll let these stories stand for themselves:
David Robinson started playing basketball his senior year of high school, meaning that one of the greatest players of all time let the rest of the world get a 17-year head start on him. Rather than attending a traditional basketball powerhouse, David Robinson attended the Naval Academy. This is because the Government wanted the 7’1” Robinson to rise above his enemies like Dr. Manhattan single-handedly defeating the Viet Cong, smiling all the while.
Funny enough, David Robinson was too big for the Navy. At the time, he was 6’8” and two inches taller than their height limit. So the Navy made a special exception to let him in based on a waiver from the Superintendent of the Naval Academy. We figure the Superintendent said something like, “We needed David to defend our nation’s rim, from freedom-hating point guards who would dare to drive our American lane.” SWOON!
Although he was nicknamed “The Admiral” (just a few letters away from “Admirable!”) his actual rank was Lieutenant, Junior Grade. The man who called him “Junior Grade” has since been dishonorably discharged and exiled to Russia.* After discovering this, Robinson personally flew him back and petitioned to have his military status changed.*
He was drafted by the Spurs in 1987, but the San Antonio team had to wait two years for Robinson to fulfill his obligation to the Navy. But like a luckless loser betrothed to a Victoria’s Secret supermodel by happenstance, they waited. And it was worth it.
In Robinson’s rookie year, he led the Spurs to the single greatest turnaround in NBA history. He was awarded with a Sega Game called David Robinson’s Supreme Court which oh my god that title is so good! Like, “Your honor, motion to slam dunk this basket ba–” “MOTION DENIED!” *sound of a ball sadly bouncing across the court*
David Robinson is one of four people in history to achieve a quadruple double, which is basketball’s version of the EGOT. You could argue, then, that David Robinson is basketball’s Audrey Hepburn, but then I’d need you to send me your home address so I can come smash your car with a tire iron à la Walter Sobchak.
Unfortunately, David Robinson did once lie–to a group of 5th graders, no less. In 1991, he promised a bunch of elementary school kids $2,000 apiece if they finished high school and attended college. Sadly, The Admiral didn’t live up to his end of the bargain. Instead, he gave them each $8,000. Dude – right!?
David and his wife founded the Carver Academy in 2001, named after George Washington Carver. In addition to a core curriculum, the Carver Academy also seeks to help meet children’s emotional and spiritual needs “regardless of race, creed or financial status” and also teach them foreign languages. Y’see, David Robinson has his own version of the “No Child Left Behind” program, whereby he kicks down doors and rescues kids in need with his own bare hands, personally runs them back to San Antonio, and teaches them Italian.
Also he gave that school $11 million which is more than all of us will ever make combined.
So what’s he doing these days? Well, in 2008, he started a private investment firm in order to make a bunch of money which he then in turn gives directly to his school.
Also his son plays football for Notre Dame.
Also he donates to the Children’s Hunger Fund.
Look at that life! Look at it! And he’s 47! If we’re lucky, he’ll be around for another 53 years of traveling the world and doing superhuman things! So forget The Avengers and The Dark Knight Rises and all of the rest of that escapist hoo-ha. If you want a real life superhero, look no further than David Robinson – the hero we all need.
Brian Cullen really, really enjoys robots but doesn’t understand how they work. He also enjoys drinking beers, and has a pretty solid understanding of how that works. You can read about his musings about both on Twitter @BucketCullen.
It’s a fine tribute to an excellent sportsman Brian has written here today–certainly finer than the ones found in It’s the Thought that Counts: Rock’s Best and Worst Sports Tributes. But if you need a pick up after those, check out our other men of good character with the You the Man archives.