by Luis Prada

Did you know there’s a day on the calendar that encourages you to reach into the depths of your drug-addled, possibly underdeveloped brain, drudge up the most idiotic question you can think of, and slam it into the ear drums of all of those within earshot…and you won’t get weird stares for it? That day is today — National Ask A Stupid Question Day. (Though if you were raised Stupid Orthodox you may celebrate it on the last school day of September.)

Today you can let your dumb flag fly. Today, you exit your cave of ignorance, eyes tormented by the blazing, rarely seen rays of the sun, and pose the world a question that on any other day would illicit groans and face palms. And after your question is answered – whether it be with an astute answer or with barely repressed sarcastic condescension – you can crawl back into your dingy cave and continue staring at dark wall, waiting for your brain to grow mold.

But, seeing as this article would be dreadfully boring without my condescending snark, I say to hell with the rules! Let’s mock some idiots on Yahoo! Answers!

Like Steroids?

Dude, just…DUDE, no

It’s true. Semen does contain testosterone. Right about now is the point where I’d embed a hyperlink to a news article that backs up the claim, but I didn’t even type a single letter in in my Google search bar and I will just go ahead and assume that’s right. It feels right, and that’s called good journalism.

Drinking semen is like taking a really small shot of testosterone. In fact, imbibing large quantities of semen over extended periods of time has been known to cause acne, spur hair growth on the face and armpits, and deepen the voice. This would explain why aging female porn stars often resemble like haggard hitchhikers who look like their name should be Carl. They just have that Carl look to them.

Prostate Exam

This is like the antichrist of orgasms

Men fear the prostate exam because A) they might find out they’re mortal when/if the doctor discovers the dreaded something, and B) it involves a finger going in side of their butt, which heterosexual men have been trained to think somehow makes them weak, because the power center of masculinity can be found buried an inch or two in a man’s ass and it can be very easily turned off, like when Lando fired just a couple laser shots and the Death Star’s core exploded into a colorful rainbow and a pair of frayed denim short-shorts.

Of course, the overall awkwardness of having a finger in your butt is also a problem for some men. While in that vulnerable position, strange anxiety-fueled thoughts swirl through the minds of men. Every conceivable embarrassing scenario plays out in their heads as if someone hit the fast forward button on a Best Of compilation video of their worst butt-related nightmares. Farting while the finger is still all up in there is one such nightmare, and what occurs when that happens is rather astounding.

To answer the question directly, have you ever been around when someone puts the cap onto an empty water bottle and twists the bottom of the bottle so the air pressure builds near the top, and then they push the cap with their thumbs like a champagne bottle and the cap rockets away at high speed, pinging off anything in its path like a ricocheted bullet? You have? Good. Now imagine that but with a butt. And as with fireworks, one must be careful as the sudden release of air pressure can blow off some digits and leave a hand a mangled, grotesque hunk of bloodied flesh.

Oh, Jesus…

Not sure if troll…or great question

There is only one known example of Jesus Christ’s autograph. It is owned by renowned autograph collector Harold Wilmont from Bozeman, Montana, who has amassed a vast collection of over 3 million original signatures of historical figures, celebrities, and athletes throughout human history. Christ signed his name on his rookie card, which boasts mostly unimpressive stats – 1 WIW (Water into Wine) and 3 RBI. The signature contains a low swooping J, which, as my history of handwriting analysis informs me, means Jesus was a gentle but preoccupied fellow who did his laundry when his disciples followed a few cubits further back than usual. Jesus could take a hint.

Humping

Not at all! Is it okay if society crumbles around you?

Humping isn’t enough to establish dominance with a dog. Sure, it creates a baseline of respect, as you pound your power into your dog’s confused body through your sweat pants (not in a sexual way), but your dog watches you hump your girlfriend or boyfriend on a nightly or tri-yearly basis, depending on how often you grudgingly heave your lumpy self onto your lover. The dog watches this with their cold eyes peering just over the top of the mattress (not in a sexual way) and he sees you attempting to dominate this person, but to no avail. Your metaphorical balls are still in his possession (not in a sexual way). So, you never gain the dog’s respect. All you’re left with is a dog that is weirded out by all the dryhumping you just gave it (not in a sexual way).

To truly establish dominance you must prove that you are physically and intellectually superior to the dog. You must think about what makes you inherently better than the dog and exploit it. In your case, it’s simply being human. Humans have done many incredible things and we have made many incredible things – things like video cameras. And the internet.

My advice? Film yourself humping your dog and post it online. People feel awful and ashamed when they find a sex tape they’ve made with a former lover has found its way online. Your dog is no different. This is why the internet is bursting at the seams with videos of men and women (mostly women) having sex with their dogs. It’s not sexual; it’s simply people (mostly sad women, for some reason) showing their dogs who the real boss is. This breaks down the dog’s will and pride, making them easier to be trained. It also seems to work with horses, too. I guess that’s what made the sport of dressage possible.

Pangea

When we don’t know the answer to a question like this, we just refuse to answer on religious grounds

Even though you’re clearly trying to get someone to do your geography homework for you, I’ll answer the question to the best of my ability and just pretend that Yahoo! Answers isn’t filled with mental defectives that have enough wherewithal to get homework help from a question & answer site but somehow not enough to just Google the f**king answer. You’d think you’d have to pass by one step to get to the other when you’re learning how to use the internet but apparently some people get antsy and skip ahead a few chapters…which, oddly enough, probably also explains why you want me to tell you all about Pangea’s breakup.

Anyway, Pangea’s breakup was rough. First came the accusations of cheating by Pangea’s lover, the Tectonic Plates, which Pangea outright denied, even though the accusations were true. “Oral isn’t cheating!” Pangea pleaded, but the Tectonic Plates did not listen to Pangea’s definition of “reason.” This created a rift between the two that eventually lead to Pangea moving many of its things – namely, the supercontinents Laurasia and Gondwana — out of their apartment. Yet, some items remained as the two still held out hope that they would come back together again after they emotional wounds healed. This, sadly, did not happen. Resentment grew between the two, which was certainly exasperated when Pangea accidentally sent the Tectonic Plate a sexually explicit text that was meant for the Ocean. After that, everything went to hell. Pangea couldn’t take it anymore and packed up all its remaining stuff and left…but not before tossing Tectonic Plate’s collection of land masses out the window, shattering them to pieces on across the world.

Pangea isn’t the same person it used to be, but then again, who is after 300 million years?

Dressing your baby up like a zebra is just provoking that lion

Luis Prada‘s work can be found on Cracked, FunnyCrave, The Smoking Jacket, and GuySpeed. If you visit his Tumblr page, The Devil Wears Me, he will give you a non-refundable virtual hug.

“Is cocaine vegan?”

Your education’s incomplete if you haven’t read Luis’s first Five Life Lessons Learned from GIFs. And an uneducated person is the kind of fool he mocks with his Snappy Answers to Yahoo Questions.