Epic Meal Time Apologizes for Global Bacon Shortage
The Renaissance master Donatello made magic out of bronze, wood and terra cotta. The post-impressionist genius Paul Cezanne captured his breathtaking still life works with almost microscopic strokes of oil.
The Canadian protein gods of Epic Meal Time can make hardcore atheists believe in a higher power with nothing but gobs of delicious bacon.
For more than a year and over 100 episodes, the cast of the YouTube cooking show have created massive meals once a week that regularly rack up thousands of grams of fat and calories. The key ingredient to all of their diabetes inducing dishes, whether it’s a giant meat po’ boy with two flank steaks in place of the French bread…
…or an extra large pizza made out of candy…
…is an unhealthy helping of shredded swine flesh.
Now, something unfathomable could happen to mankind very soon. Farmers have been dealing with an unusual number of droughts that have either made corn ridiculously expensive or killed off a large number of crops normally to feed the pigs that so graciously sacrifice themselves to become the delicious breakfast meat. This means that less pork will be available next year than usual and the world will face a massive bacon shortage.
Harley Morenstein, the host and principal creator of EMT, wasn’t surprised by the news. In fact, he even told us the cause before we could tell him.
“I’m the reason,” he said.
Of course, being in a baconless world isn’t a joking matter and in a way, he’s not joking. Harley estimated that they use 5 to 10 pounds of bacon per episode. Since they’ve done 115 episodes as of this interview, that means that more than a quarter of a ton of bacon have passed through their collective colons since the show’s inception. Their “Bacon Christmas tree” episode alone used over 3,000 strips of the stuff.
“We buy it week to week and sometimes we overbuy,” Harley said. “I take that back. You can never overbuy bacon.”
Harley said thanks to their never ending investments in the bacon markets, they aren’t worried about running out if the unthinkable happens. However, that very reason could convince them to stop making Epic Meal Time episodes.
“We’re sitting on a lot of bacon right now,” he said. “The real question is do we continue to make our successful YouTube channel or do we take the stacks of bacon we’re sitting on and make a crazy profit in the new year? We’re not the only ones who love bacon. Everyone does. So maybe we should flip it? The demand for bacon, maybe it’s worth it? We just abandon the YouTube channel and sell bacon from now on. We become bacon dealers.”
Of course, even the world’s biggest stockpile of bacon could run out if the likes of Harley and MusclesGlasses get their greasy hands on them. Harley assured the fans that they’ve even prepared for that unthinkable impossibility.
“It’s not as good but beef bacon is pretty tasty,” he said. “I’ve also got 20 cans of canned bacon that I got from ThinkGeek.com. It’s literally a can and when you open it up, it’s stacked with wax paper and when you unwrap the wax paper, there’s about nine servings of bacon in there…It tastes like microwaveable bacon, like it’s pre-cooked bacon.”
Harley said a member of his crew even suggested going with turkey bacon but noted “he’s not on the show anymore. We fired him.”
Ultimately, Harley and the rest of the EMT collective want to assure their regular viewers and fans that they are confident the show will survive, even in a bacon-less world. It’s clearly been on his mind since he asked if he could read a prepared statement addressing the issue:
Hopefully, the crew will not only be able to survive this pending bacon-geddon but will also be able to mock it and the nitrate deficient masses in a future episode, he said.
“We want to see how it pans out,” Harley said. “Once the panic dies down and if this actually is an issue, then we just want to be able to take our bacon stash and rub it in the world’s faces.”