The NFL is into Week 6 and, as hard as it is to believe, the games are still funnier than my pick record.
Luckily, I haven’t heard quite as many boos as Matt Cassel, which means that you can join me once again for some more off-color analysis about this great sport of football.
Thursday, October 11th, 2012
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Tennessee Titans
It seems that Troy Polamalu’s Samson-esque hair isn’t doing the trick anymore, as the Steelers set up their defense without him for a third game this season. Add to that the possibility that linebacker Lamarr Woodley may be out, and you could have the recipe for Titans running back Chris Johnson running for more yards than Matt Hasselbeck in a scramble, maybe even more yards than Ben Roethlisberger in a scramble. More yards than both quarterbacks combined? Well, it happened one week this year, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
LINE: Steelers by 6
Sunday, October 14th, 2012
Oakland Raiders @ Atlanta Falcons
Coming off a bye week, the Oakland Raiders are ready to show the NFL that they are legitima…Hm. Coming off a bye week, Carson Palmer and the Raiders are poised to bounce back from…Ugh. Coming off a bye week, the Raiders are set to display the improveme… (Sigh). Coming off a bye week, the Oakland Raiders plan to play a football game. Meanwhile, in Atlanta, newspapers began misprinting the NFL standings to show the Falcons at 6-0 since Monday.
LINE: Falcons by 9
Cincinnati Bengals @ Cleveland Browns
The “Battle for Ohio: Round 2″ is set for this weekend between the Bengals and Browns. While having the finale of this rivalry so early in the season may seem anti-climactic, it frees up the people of Ohio for more important events. The Sarah Jones trial begins this week, which means that the media in both Cincinnati and Cleveland will be flooded with pictures of Miss Jones in her Ben-Gals glory. It may not be a proud Ohio moment, but it’s more than these two teams haven given their state in quite a while.
LINE: Bengals by 1
St. Louis Rams @ Miami Dolphins
I’ll admit it. After seeing the Rams defeat the undefeated Arizona Cardinals, I became a believer in the Rams, Sam Bradford and, most importantly, the power of Jeff Fisher’s furrowed moustache. For years, Fisher’s moustache sat in the shadows of Mike Ditka’s, always second best. Now, after finally having its own ESPN segment, Fisher’s moustache has gained its own legendary status. This can only mean one thing: Super Bowl.
LINE: Dolphins by 4
Indianapolis Colts @ New York Jets
To be honest, last week’s inquiry about Terrell Owens playing for the Jets was a joke. It’s not that I don’t think he would make, at the very least, a semi-legitimate wide receiver. I just didn’t think he would actually consider it, much less tweet about it. Antonio Cromartie looked fast in his test-run at wide receiver, but the world is not ready for another Deion Sanders. As the exact opposite of a circus, the Indianapolis Colts silently won another game in their After-Manning Era. Obviously, they were surprised that they beat the Packers, too.
LINE: Jets by 3
Detroit Lions @ Philadelphia Eagles
Remember that movie The Program starring James Caan and a pile of college football players fighting to balance maturity with stardom? They had a running back that couldn’t hold onto the ball if it was glued to his hands, so all the other players had a game of trying to knock the ball out of his hands during classes. He finally plays in the big game, players learn things about themselves, and life goes on. Michael Vick has begun to remake this movie already, but backwards after last week’s loss to the Steelers.
LINE: Eagles by 5
Kansas City Chiefs @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Just when you think life in Kansas City couldn’t get any better, it does. Arrowhead Stadium erupted in applause last week when Chiefs quarterback Matt Cassel was laid out, currently with a concussion. Yes, the home team cheered for the injury of their starting quarterback, because back-up quarterback Brady Quinn has more career touchdowns than Cassel. True, those touchdowns are mostly going the other way after an interception, but that’s just irrelevant specifics. Luckily for the Chiefs, they play the Bucs as the underdog, who can’t seem to cover a spread on either side of the line.
LINE: Bucs by 3
Dallas Cowboys @ Baltimore Ravens
Tony Romo had almost two weeks to fix whatever problem led to five interceptions and an appearance by Fat Dave Grohl, aka Kyle Orton. That time may have been better spent playing golf, as the Cowboys must bounce back against the Ravens, in Baltimore. It may be better than playing in Dallas, since the Ravens are 1-1 in making the opposing team’s fans cheer after knocking out their starting quarterback. Unfortunately, Joe Flacco’s under-performance last week may lead to some flack-o from his own fans.
LINE: Ravens by 4
Buffalo Bills @ Arizona Cardinals
How the mighty have fallen. It took five weeks, but the elite Arizona Cardinals finally lost a game after buzz-sawing through lower tier teams like the New England Patriots and Philadelphia Eagles until they hit the powerhouse wall that is the St. Louis Rams. Yeah, I said it, because I obviously don’t understand this world that we live in anymore. It’s only fitting that this next game is against the AFC’s roller-coaster ride, the Buffalo Bills.
LINE: Cardinals by 5
New England Patriots @ Seattle Seahawks
Normally, a joke about the Patriots having another bye week would work in this situation, but they’ve already lost out west against the Cardinals. This could help the argument that the Patriots don’t like traveling west, but they also lost to the Ravens. The Seahawks share a trait with both teams, a seemingly Achilles Heel for Tom Brady: birds. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s the only reason I see making sense with a line this low.
LINE: Patriots by 4
New York Giants @ San Francisco 49ers
The 49ers finally get a break from their New York/New Jersey tour to head home. Unfortunately, that other New York team is following them back home as the Giants prepare to get out of this rainy fall weather for beautiful San Francisco. Beautiful, that is, until they go up against something they haven’t managed to overcome: a solid, high-ranking defense.
LINE: 49ers by 5
Minnesota Vikings @ Washington Redskins
RG3 was truly introduced to the NFL last week when he took a vicious blow to the head. Yes, pro players really are bigger, stronger, and faster. RG3 may want to sit out this week even if he did pass his concussion tests, because Vikings defensive end Jared Allen is as big and bad as they come, so much so that merely his stare is helping his team win football games. Seriously, how else can you explain the Vikings being 4-1?
LINE: Redskins by 2
Green Bay Packers @ Houston Texans
If I asked you what NFC teams would be on top in the NFC North at 4-1, what would your answer be? That’s right, the Packers. Unfortunately, Aaron Rodgers hasn’t had any photo-bombing pictures recently, which means the Packers aren’t having any fun winning. Now they go up against the king of the AFC, the unbeaten Texans, in a showdown that begs for an upset.
LINE: Texans by 4
Monday, October 15th, 2012
Denver Broncos @ San Diego Chargers
The Peyton Manning Reunion Tour continues as he visits Philip Rivers and the Chargers in San Diego. This season has been a sort of anti-hype for Manning, since he’s really playing all the teams he usually plays against, not like Joe Montana when he went to the Kansas City Chiefs and was able to slap around teams that he didn’t normally play against. Unfortunately, this tour won’t be stopping in Indianapolis for a game against his replacement, Andrew Luck. The Chargers, meanwhile, look to recapture some of that magic that guided them through the first few weeks before they take an extended bye week against the Browns, Chiefs, and Bucs.
LINE: Chargers by 1
Patrick Emmel is a football fan who began the manly pilgrimage of seeing an NFL game at every stadium two years ago. You can see more of his work at www.theineptowl.com or heckle him on Twitter @Patrick_AE.
Patrick previously used his football knowledge to break down the best, worst and downright horrible draft picks in NFL history.
If you haven’t had enough NFL jokes, you can check out last week’s Asinine Analysis! —>