When we were given the opportunity to interview the star of the upcoming film Jack Reacher, we immediately jotted down the ten incendiary questions everyone wants to ask Tom Cruise, consequences be damned. That’s when we found out the real star of the film, at least according to IMDB, is background actor and Reddit favorite Alexander Rhodes, whose role as Suspicious Onlooker sets a grim tone for the film.
If you’re not familiar with Rhodes, he answered a question about casting extras on the content aggregator site that inadvertently launched his acting profile to the top of the film’s page and IMDB itself. This was the man who bumped Tom Cruise from top billing on his own damn movie. We weren’t prepared to interview a star of this magnitude, but with deadline mere minutes away, and two slugs of whiskey already teeming in our liver, we sent the interview questions anyway. This was his response:
Hey, Brandon McWhatever thank you for asking these intriguing questions and don’t worry I know you’re too intimidated to ask so I’ll be sure to text message my manager so that he can be sure to have one of his assistants make one of their assistants email my publicity team to see if we can pencil in some time on the schedule for one of the new interns to FedEx you a copy of my autograph. The situation WILL BE HANDLED.
What was the toughest part of enduring such a public divorce? Did it affect your work?
At first I was worried that it would negatively affect my ability to get into character and perform up to my usual award-winning standards. But then I remembered that I’m such a damn good actor that it doesn’t matter. However, it has been really hard on my cat, Huckle. You can tell he is stressed because he no longer eats Purina ONE Sensitive System Dry Cat Food and now demands Science Diet Mature Adult Active Longevity Original Blend. I’m really worried about him.
How would you describe your relationship with Katie Holmes these days?
Things haven’t been going so well, to put it mildly. For some reason she just isn’t speaking to me and completely ignores me every time I try to contact her.
How did you physically prepare for your role?
I ate plenty of donuts and went to some local women’s yoga classes to practice my suspicious stares. It didn’t go over so well but being held in my local jail overnight helped me to develop the emotional depth of my character.
How would you describe Scientology’s role in your life?
The study of science has always been an important part of my life. Ever since the 4th grade I couldn’t get enough of it. Being a Biology major in undergraduate isn’t easy but it’s worth it. On the plus side chicks dig scientists.
We heard rumors of a Top Gun sequel this summer. Can you tell us the plot?
The director guy hasn’t gotten back to me yet with the script. I have no idea what it’s about and nobody has contacted me about when and where I’ve gotta be for when the production starts. But whatever I’ll just wing it.
You’ve been linked romantically to some huge names. Who are you dating now?
The question should be who am I not dating now.
You’re a vegetarian. If you could get a pass to eat one animal guilt-free, what species and why?
Buffalos because they just don’t give a f**k about anything and that includes being eaten.
Describe your character in Jack Reacher. What’s his backstory? What drives him? What does he want?
I play an incredibly complex character in Jack Reacher. I could go on about his motivations, inner monologues, and backstory for days on end. In summation he is just an everyday guy looking for the love of his life. In the middle of this epic quest something suspicious happened which required immediate onlooking.
Fans have expressed some concern about the handling of this adaptation, specifically your casting. What do you bring to this film to reassure them?
I love the fans and don’t wanna be mean but come on guys please do your damn homework. Didn’t these people see my portrayal of “College Guy (uncredited)” in Won’t Back Down? Were you guys not awed by the depth of my character “Millgrove Football Player #15 (uncredited)” in The Perks of Being a Wallflower? How about “Mobseum Tourist” in Sonny Days or “Random Bearded Man #16 (uncredited)” in Promised Land? People had their doubts in the beginning about all of these movies but I always came through with Oscar-worthy performances and basically made these films successful.
If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?
“You probably wouldn’t have made it in but you get a pass because of how God damned good of a suspicious onlooker you were in Jack Reacher. Can I have your autograph?”
Become a fan of Alexander Rhodes on Facebook and see all the photos of him looking suspiciously upon things!
Brendan McGinley edits this here Man Cave Daily, and writes a column over at Cracked, as well as some comic books, if you’re into the superpowered crime thing. Find out what he’s having for lunch on Twitter: @brendanmcginley.
Brendan previously hit on your lady with Upgraded Pick-Up Lines and then settled into domesticity with The Greatest, Greasiest Day in a Married Man’s Life.