It’s Week 7 and, as it stands, it’s a good thing these picks and game analyses are for entertainment purposes only, because I’d be looking at the architectural concepts of cardboard boxes right about now.
Luckily, this is a new week, with new games and, most importantly, new jokes about the NFL, players, and anything else I connect to this great sport of football.
Thursday, October 18th, 2012
Seattle Seahawks @ San Francisco 49ers
I’ll admit it. I haven’t given the Seattle Seahawks the respect they deserve this season. With so much hype surrounding quarterbacks this year, it’s hard to see teams as a whole, particularly defenses that don’t include the Ravens, Steelers, or Jets. Now, I tip my visor to you, Seahawks, particularly you, Richard Sherman. It’s about time a real player started creating hilarious memes on Twitter like “U MAD TOM?” and “Sad Tom Brady” instead of leaving it to those parody player accounts.
LINE: 49ers by 7
Sunday, October 21st, 2012
Tennessee Titans @ Buffalo Bills
As much as I joke about Chris Johnson, we both have a lot in common. Both of us expected great things this season, Chris with his rushing yards and I with my game picks. Both of us have utterly failed except for a few briefly decent but not great outings. Chris, you and me, pal. Let’s get those numbers up. You have the Bills. I have an erratic NFL season that’s bound to balance itself soon.
LINE: Bills by 3
Cleveland Browns @ Indianapolis Colts
The media frenzy surrounding Indianapolis’ golden child, Andrew Luck, seemed like a news feed that couldn’t be stopped by any other events in sports. This week, Luck will be taking a backseat to the one and only Cleveland Browns. No, that is not a misprint, because back pages are still buzzing about the fact that someone actually paid money to own the Cleveland Browns this past weekend. And no, they aren’t tearing down the stadium to pave out a parking lot.
LINE: Colts by 3
Green Bay Packers @ St. Louis Rams
You’d be hard pressed to find someone who predicted one of these teams would be 3-3. The Packers looked too good last year for that record. The Rams looked too…not so good for that record. Well, last year ABBA had a reunion tour, so the only thing you can ever expect from year to year is the unexpected. This game, however, does not fall into that category.
LINE: Packers by 6
Arizona Cardinals @ Minnesota Vikings
I don’t want to pick Vikings games anymore. When I expect them to lose, they win. When I expect them to win, they lose. The only reasoning I can find behind this is the entire Minnesota Vikings team crowds around a computer to read my pre-game commentary and say, “We’re gonna prove you wrong, bro!” So what do I expect from this Cardinals and Vikings game? I don’t know. Maybe the half-time show will feature the grounds crew taking a nap, which means the Vikings will prove me wrong again and have Radiohead, REM, Tom Petty, and Jay-Z all playing together.
LINE: Vikings by 6
Washington Redskins @ New York Giants
Remember that algorithm I used at the beginning of the season to show how the Giants lost their first game in both 2007 and 2011, then went on to win the Super Bowl? Well, both of those seasons had them at 4-2 going into Week 7. guess where the Giants are at now? That’s right, 4-2. What happened in Week 7 in 2007 and 2011? The Giants won. Therefore, I will use the only information that seems to be useful when picking games: random, useless coincidences.
LINE: Giants by 6
New Orleans Saints @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
One more game. That seems to be the war-cry for Saints fans this week, as interim-to-the-interim head coach Aaron Kromer has one last shot to show that he doesn’t totally run star teams into the ground. Luckily, Jonathan Vilma will be able to return to practice, because if there’s one thing this team needs, it’s a reason for Tampa fans to hold up ridiculous signs of Boba Fett with Jonathan Vilma.
LINE: Saints by 3
Dallas Cowboys @ Carolina Panthers
The Cowboys have stalled early this season, but the blame can’t all be placed on Tony Romo. The Cowboys have gone up against some of the scariest defenses in the league in the Bears, Seahawks, and Ravens. Luckily, he gets to go to Carolina, where the Panthers’ best defense is having Cam Newton scramble to run the clock down.
LINE: Cowboys by 1
Baltimore Ravens @ Houston Texans
It was a sad weekend for the Ravens, as seemingly ageless Ray Lewis was knocked out of the season due to injury. While many speculate whether or not he will retire and go watch his son play for Miami while being a network sports analyst, two things are certain: 1) Playing the Texans just got a bit tougher. 2) The Ray Lewis commercials will only get better.
LINE: Texans by 7
Jacksonville Jaguars @ Oakland Raiders
A battle of 1-4 teams usually means one thing, particularly when the Jacksonville Jaguars are involved: blackout. Luckily, this game is in Oakland, where fans will pack out the stadium to beat up their own team if necessary. This is the only saving grace for this game because ,if it were being held in Jacksonville, you would probably be watching cricket and the world championship of bull-riding instead.
LINE: Raiders by 4
New York Jets @ New England Patriots
Bill Belichick isn’t one to praise other teams unless it is in a vaguely sarcastic tone, so his quote about Tim Tebow being “valuable” can be taken in a few directions. He could be referring to the idea that the Jets have nothing left but smoke and mirrors to finish the season, much like Belichick’s first Super Bowl-winning season. On the other hand, he may be trying to woo Tebow to the Patriots, since 7 tight ends and a faux wide receiver in Welker just isn’t enough to make throws in the middle of the field as easy as a game of catch with the family.
LINE: Patriots by 11
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Cincinnati Bengals
Steelers linebacker James Harrison finally gave his review of the special helmet padding he installed to protect himself from concussions last fall. That’s all well and good but, from my experience, he could have started protecting himself long ago by not leading all of his tackles with the crown of his head. Andy Dalton may need to beef up his own helmet to protect him from the jeers that are going to rain down on him after last week’s loss to the Browns.
LINE: Steelers by 2
Monday, October 22nd, 2012
Detroit Lions @ Chicago Bears
The Bears have had a week break in order to get their team in order. I’m not talking about in terms of game plan. At 4-1, they’re doing just fine. I’m speaking in terms of personal self-esteem and well-being. Since the game against Dallas, Bears quarterback Jay Cutler insisted that he likes his offensive coordinator Mike Tice. Apparently, the player and coach had some marriage counseling. either that, or Jay Cutler had just seen South Park’s episode, SarcastaBall.
LINE: Bears by 6
Patrick Emmel is a football fan who began the manly pilgrimage of seeing an NFL game at every stadium two years ago. This year, he will be visiting Philly and the Eagles. You can see more of his work at www.theineptowl.com or heckle him on Twitter @Patrick_AE.
Patrick previously used his football knowledge to break down the best, worst and downright horrible draft picks in NFL history.
If you haven’t had enough NFL jokes, you can check out last week’s Asinine Analysis! —>