Sex

The 4 Craziest Things People Do With Sex Dolls

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Unliving things really shouldn't be able to judge you

Unliving things really shouldn’t be able to judge you

biosize Luke McKinney
Luke McKinney writes about games, drink, science, and everything else...
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by Luke McKinney

When people have to be told how to use sex dolls, society is either too stupid to live or about to transcend physicality and become pure energy beings. Either way, it’s a good thing they’ve stopped reproducing. But there are some things you just shouldn’t do with the world’s most expensive rolled-up socks.

1. Murder Them

Murdering a sex doll isn’t technically possible, but if you’re the sort of person prepared to tie up a plastic body, wrap it in a sleeping bag, and dump it in the woods, you really shouldn’t be getting rid of the one thing stopping you from meeting real women. An elderly Japanese man had been living with his sex doll for several years when he decided to move in with one of his family. Wisely, he decided not to bring the plastic girlfriend with him. Unwisely, he used up his entire remaining supply of sanity making that decision.

Too emotionally attached to cut it into trashbag-sized pieces, he bound it around the neck, waist and ankles, then dumped it in the woods. That’s not crazy. We’re glad people are now smart enough to trap humanoid objects before betraying them, especially in Japan. Unfortunately his escape from a horror movie dumped two more people straight into one, when they found what appeared to be a bound human corpse. There followed several hours of nationally televised murder investigation, because the police act fast when people are killed. Faster even than their own pathologists, who later dug into the body and found that either all their scalpels had gone blunt, the victim used way too much skin cream, or they were poking a sex doll. And not in the way you’re meant to.

coroners The 4 Craziest Things People Do With Sex Dolls

“I never thought I’d be relieved to be touching another man’s sex doll”

This is where a poor horny sexagenarian became the bravest man in the world. Witnessing the national murder investigation, then the even more national declaration by the police that they were well and truly pissed with whoever had played such a horrific joke, he manned up and went to confess. We already know he had balls – they were the doll’s job – but when you humiliate an entire police force by accident and decide you must apologize, you’re kind of a badass. If there was any justice he wouldn’t need any more sex dolls. As it was, he was prosecuted for littering.

2. Go Rafting

An Australian couple either had either a bad idea for (or a worse misunderstanding of) the slang “to ride.” They attempted to white water raft inflatable latex dolls down the Yarra river. The river was flooded at the time. We broke that into two sentences because that much stupidity in one kept turning the font into wingdings. The dolls escaped into the ocean after ditching the pair in white water rapids, a pleasanter liquid fate than that of most inflatable dolls.

garagedoll thinkstock The 4 Craziest Things People Do With Sex Dolls

“Everybody’s goin’ surfin’. Without me. Far away”

The Victoria Police helped rescue the pair and issued a warning that inflatable sex toys were “not recognized flotation devices.” So if you’ve ever wondered why there’s no World Sarcasm Award, it’s because it was permanently awarded to Australian police. The guy and girl are only 19, which is terrifying: either they’re already so bored of sex they’re taking on nature itself with nothing but a cheap imitation vagina, or they simply haven’t tried it yet. In which case they might crack the Earth itself with their eventual adrenaline-fueled boning.

Then again, when they can’t last as long as their own inflatable sex dolls, they might not be as good at daring physical exertion as you’d think.

3. Review Electronics (And Inspire Productivity)

Silicon sex dolls take the piss out of your genetic imperative (and even use the same connection plug for the action). But the “Dollroom” is either a genius parody of consumerist culture, or a man who decided that while he’s fantasizing about a girl having sex with him, she might as well be a gamer girl. The Dollroom doesn’t just pose a sex doll with the latest Japanese gaming hardware but writes reviews from its point of view. I would point out that the doll is usually dressed as a schoolgirl or an anime character. But by this point that’s obvious.

dollgames thinkstock The 4 Craziest Things People Do With Sex Dolls

Actually, this is more erotic because it avoids the uncanny valley

It’s a piece of entertainment technology taking the piss out of every other piece of entertainment technology. Especially when “she” starts reviewing headphones: plastic speakers on a plastic head which cannot hear the music. Which would be emo poetry, but honestly, this guy has found a far better way to deal with his feelings of loneliness, and at least he’s enjoying himself.

dollgamer thinkstock The 4 Craziest Things People Do With Sex Dolls

And on the weekends, they play naughtier games

This transcends consumerist parody into a mockery of our entire reality as it reviews a complete virtual headset headset. An entirely fake non-person writes on the internet about her experiences in another fake electronic world.

vr thinkstock The 4 Craziest Things People Do With Sex Dolls

Someone warn William Gibson, one of his early characters has escaped

And this is ongoing. That last page was updated while I was writing this, and this conclusion came up the next day. Which makes this page the greatest motivation to work I’ve ever seen. Right now there is a guy at work, planning how he’s going to dress up his sack of plastic in a high school uniform and put electronics on its head so he can post its story to the internet tonight. Mock all you like, but know that for the rest of your life you’ll be cursed with the question: “Have I achieved more than that today?”

And I swear, I’ll never be less than perfectly dressed again.

4. Make Pornography

Someone clearly saw that game-playing doll taking the piss out of the idea of consumer enjoyment, said “screw that”, and did so. Real Doll porn has elevated sexual laziness past parody. It’s a future far worse than every dystopic science fiction nightmare.  Real Doll porn is about people paying other people to connect sex dolls for them, like the world’s worst version of LEGO.

wtfdoll thinkstock The 4 Craziest Things People Do With Sex Dolls

Only thing worse than a date who’s made of the same material as condoms is if that monstrosity somehow became pregnant

There’s even a plastic porn star who stars alongside real performers, and we can no longer tell if that’s better or worse. Now at least one human is involved in the process, but when humanity paying other people to have sex with plastic dolls for them, the only reason we don’t lie down, cover ourselves in honey, and hand the keys to the ants, is that we’ll be gone soon enough anyway.


bonusround2 The 4 Craziest Things People Do With Sex Dolls
"Oh, YOU!"

“Oh, YOU!”

Luke McKinney knows booze & video games. He enjoys the new Halo web series, and looks at 4 Crazy iPad Fusions. Follow him on Tumblr. 

Behold: The greatest movie of all punchkicking time

Behold: The greatest movie of all punchkicking time

If you want to see creepy, almost-human actors make something of no cultural value, don’t bother watching Real Doll porn! Just read Luke’s account of The Worst Resident Evil Movie Ever Made. Or go easy on yourself and enjoy something quality with The Most Impossibly Awesome Action Movie Ever.

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