The internet is a wonderful thing that holds the entire world’s vast array of information on a pretty much every subject known to man. But lo, once the internet’s shine wears off, we shove ourselves into routines and visit the same stable of sites day-in and day-out for no other reason than pure laziness. We lose our desire to explore.
There are tools that help combat this — social bookmarking sites like Reddit and StumbleUpon, for example — but those tools are filled with links other people have found. There’s no questioning that discovering something yourself is far more rewarding. That’s why people who are good a finding interesting/weird/funny stuff on the internet are rewarded with Reddit Karma or Facebook “Likes” or Tumblr reblogs.
I have created a simple system that allows you to find all the obscure weirdness the internet has to offer. The first step is to use this random word generator to find a word you want to search. Then, mash up that word with another set of words from this random curse word generator. After that, all you’ve got to do is plug the results into a Google search and see what you find.
As with any journey, you won’t always find something interesting. But eventually the words you type will be the key that unlocks a hidden dusty door in some far off corner of the internet and reveal a treasure trove. Or will be disgusted by everything you find. It’s the internet, so it’s 50/50.
The Words: Super Butt Stain Wiper
A few links into my results and I find a WordPress blog called Chateau Heartiste. After reading a handful of entries unrelated to the specific page conjured up by my magic search words, it appears the site is run by a man who, if I were to guess, is exactly what people outside of the U.S. think of when they imagine what it would be like to meet an American male circa 1985. He’s a self-described “alpha male,” a die-hard Republican, and has some, let’s say harsh views on women, dedicating thousands and thousands of words to how terrible they are and how much he wants to have sex with them. He’s probably the kind of guy who thinks he’s just “telling it how he sees it” but secretly wishes he could lure women to his lair with a trail of jewelry and chocolate bars and clubs them over the head; thus completing the wedding ceremony and honeymoon.
Occasionally, Heartiste will answer reader questions and offer advice. My search landed me on one such advice column. The article is titled “S#!t Stains After Sex”, so right off the bat you know we’re in for a good read.
The reader tells the tale of a female he bedded who had poor rectal cleansing habits and left behind traces of her malodorous deeds dribbled on his white bed sheets.
“anyway, we bang a bunch of times that night and i sorta forgot about that one time and she goes home in the morning. i wake up later and pull back my white sheets (forgot to mention they are white), and AGAIN, though much fainter ill say, there were a FEW different stains, and clearly brown in nature.”
Any time someone uses the words “in nature” and aren’t talking about the earth’s ecosystem, they’re trying to convince you that whatever preceded it was a stuffy scientific explanation of a complex issue, as if they had been years studying at an Ivy League school. Sadly, as evidenced in the quote above, what usually precedes “in nature” are sentences that would sound perfect if coming out of the mouth of an ape who learned to talk after watching the DVD extras of a porno for his entire life.
To that portion of the reader’s question, Heartiste responds, “If there’s no odor, I would suggest investing in chocolate brown sheets. Out of sight, out of mind.” This is how Heartiste has cultivated an audience – with responses your creepy, prostitute-loving, gambling addicted uncle lets fall out of his face when he’s clearly got a few coke snorts fueling his ramblings during Thanksgiving dinner. He then goes on a tangent, explaining the details of post-period sex froth and how one should best avoid sticking one’s nose anywhere near its source or stains left behind from it. The tangent is delivered in a way that suggests Heartiste had a vagina-centric ‘Nam flashback that ended with him screaming before curling into a ball, rocking gently, and repeatedly muttering the word “Depends.”
He then offers his advice by stating “The old ‘tough guy alpha’ would ‘tell you to move on,’” but the new “Compassionate Me” would suggest leaving “a roll of 4-ply toilet paper on her pillow with a little note saying ‘thought you might like to try this. it’s so soft!’” If you’re in a rut and you whisper to yourself “I really need some help here,” Heartiste is the demon cloaked as an agent of God who materializes before your eyes and his way of fixing your life is to molest your mom.
Finally, Heartiste wraps up his advice by telling a tale from his own life in which he came face-to-face with a foul lady rectum. I’ll save you the trouble of reading it by cutting to the final line, which I would like you to imagine is being said by some sort of Duke or perhaps an Earl or someone who is referred to as “your Excellency” wearing a three-piece suit while sitting in a beautiful and expensive hand-crafted chair in his library filled with dusty books, as his hands are propped on an ornate cane.
“I finished up to odor-free porn after she left.”
This image depicts a giant mouse groping a woman’s breast as it appears to be forming an opinion on the no doubt new and tantalizing sensations it can now experience since it was mutated into its large size, maybe by a mad scientist. The woman appears to be enjoying the experience. However with the added presence of a camera, we must ask whether she has mulled the longevity and fame of images getting to first base with a mouse.