by Steve Stevenson

The Halloween season is upon us, and with it returns the age-old question of whether it is appropriate for anybody over the age of twelve to dress-up in costume for a Halloween party. I myself have considered the question and reached the following conclusion: people have been dressing up in costume for parties for millennia, and if it gives everybody an excuse to add a little bit more mystery and flamboyance to the standard night out, then why the heck not? And the female predilection to show off a little more kink than they otherwise would is, of course, an attractive bonus that we can all enjoy. So if you’re too cool to get behind that, then you can spend your Halloween in the bitter mundanity you most surely deserve. If not, then grab yourself a pumpkin beer and join the party!

Ah, but what of the larger gentleman? The huskier fellow who’d like to don a costume, but knows full well that the flimsy nylon affairs on offer are a one-way ticket to splitsville? “Why not dress as the Rancor keeper from Return of the Jedi?” say your friends with their cruel, skinny mouths. “Or how about the planet Jupiter?”

Well, you don’t need me to tell you your friends are jerks, but as a fellow member of the less-than-svelte club, I can offer some advice on how those of a chunky disposition can dress to impress this Halloween. All you have to do is find a recognizable big guy from pop culture. What’s that you say? All recognizable pop culture heroes are played by celebrities that are either toned to statue-like proportions or else are as skinny as a heroin addict? Not so, because you’re forgetting:

Jake from The Blues Brothers:

Played by the legendary and much-missed John Belushi, Jake is one half of The Blues Brothers–who, thanks to one of the most beloved cult comedies in history, remain instantly recognizable figures. Dig out your trusty funeral suit (if you don’t have one, get one. Fun fact: everybody dies) and pick up a hat and shades from any costume shop worth a damn. Bam: instant classic.

The only downside to this costume is that somebody might think that you’re trying to dress as John Goodman from Blue Brothers 2000, and as you well know, the only reasonable response to admitting to have watched Blues Brothers 2000 in polite society is a swift and brutal tazering.

Barf from Spaceballs

John Candy is perhaps one of the most fondly remembered comic actors of modern cinema, famous for playing lovable eccentrics. But since dressing as Uncle Buck might be a little difficult to pull off, I’m going to suggest Barf, the half-man-half-dog sidekick from one of the goofiest sci-fi comedies ever committed to celluloid– Mel Brook’s Spaceballs.

All it takes to be Your Own Best Friend is a little skill with some makeup, a boiler suit and a dog’s tail and ears (not real ones, obviously, that’s weird) and you’re done. Just be sure you prepare yourself for an evening of those around you constantly regurgitating Mel Brook’s quotes.

Captain Chaos from The Cannonball Run

For those of you who don’t remember The Cannonball Run, it was a series of movies from a time when movies were allowed to be as stupid as you wanted them to be, so long as you had Burt Reynolds sexually harassing people with his mustache and Dean Martin sexually harassing people with his very essence. Perhaps the most memorable character from the series was Dom DeLouise’s Captain Chaos.

This is a relatively easy costume to pull off– a satin cape and mask, and all of a sudden you’re everybody’s favorite mentally-confused costumed crime fighter. And if the rest of the crowd don’t join in when you say “Dun-dun-DUUUN!” then you’re at the wrong party, my friend.

Al Capone

Admittedly not a pop culture hero, but certainly a famous fat dude, and an original gangster to boot. I don’t know who said that “a well tailored suit hides a multitude of sins,” but I’m guessing they were fond of their nachos. And they were also right; everybody looks good in a suit, so grab yourself a stetson and a plastic tommy gun and you’ve got an excuse to look sharper than an adamantium tack while still technically being in costume.

As an added bonus, if you should accidentally fall asleep in your clothes then you can stumble into the office the next day with nary an eyebrow raised.

Silent Bob from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

An easy look to emulate providing you’re willing to forego shaving for a couple of weeks. Nineties-style shorts and baseball cap with a long leather coat is all you need to turn yourself into Kevin Smith’s most recognizable comedy character. Admittedly you’ll probably have to find yourself a loud-mouthed friend to complete the look, so see if you can book one in advance from your local pound.

This is the perfect costume choice for anybody who likes smoking cigarettes and ignoring people. Now, instead of being rude and anti-social, you’re just staying in character!

Bluto from Animal House

Another Belushi classic and another easy costume option. Bed sheet? Check. Laurel Wreath? Check. At least six beers? Check.

Be warned though, donning the mantle of Bluto comes with added responsibilities. Animal House set the standard in zany antics, so if you dare to wear the toga you will be expected to be the life and soul of the party. If you were envisioning a quiet evening of white wine and cribbage, then dressing as Bluto will automatically destroy your plans.

Bane from The Dark Knight Rises

I know what you’re thinking: Bane isn’t fat! He’s built like a bull, if the bull had spent several years in the weight-lifting devision of the Marines. But here’s the thing–Bane also wears a big ‘ol coat. A tailored suit may be said to hide a multitude of sins, but big coats are famous for hiding much, much more… though mainly shotguns or nakedness.

So, if you’re willing to shave your head, you’ll quickly find that a combination of bulky body-armor, a face-hiding mask and a form-hiding coat can successfully convey the image of ‘big’ without necessarily adding the modifier of ‘fat’. And if somebody asks what will happen if they remove your coat, simply look them dead in the eye and say: “It would be extremely painful… for you.”

Dhalsim from Street Fighter 2

Oh, come on man. That would be hilarious.

“Come here and give grandma a kiss!”

Steve Stevenson is a whole lot of dude and he usually dresses as a Ghostbuster. Not for Halloween, just generally. Say, why not read his book?

If you’re still searching for costume ideas, why not seek inspiration in some bizarre ’80s movies?