by Patrick Emmel

Not since week 2 have I been this happy. Why? Is it because I got an interview with Ray Lewis? No. Is it because I was allowed to provide sports commentary for a show involving fighting mascots? No. Is it because NFL cheerleaders have been trying to get my phone number from my cousin? No. Is it because I had only my second winning pick week since week 1? Absolutely.

Unfortunately, I can’t take that record with me, so here is some more football wit for week 8, complete with game picks that shouldn’t be taken seriously by anyone for anything…ever.

Thursday, October 25th, 2012

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Minnesota Vikings

Last week’s game in Tampa sums up a decade of torture for Bucs fans. They become elated by a last second touchdown drive to win, only to have the score erased by a technical penalty. Luckily, most Bucs fans had already left the stadium, so not all of them will be going into this game against the Vikings with lofty expectations. Yes, teams still have lofty expectations against the 5-2 Vikings.

LINE: Viking by 7

Pick: Buccaneers

Sunday, October 28th, 2012

Carolina Panthers @ Chicago Bears

Cam Newton has brought a new old social media tool to the table following last week’s loss to the Cowboys: the suggestion box. With this forgotten relic, fans and critics may be able to help Cam call his game plan and offensive plays on the fly, since nobody on the Panthers staff seems to be able to handle the job. This test may not bode well against the Bears defense, but it raises questions as to whether Cam Newton will grow into as vocal a quarterback role as Jay Cutler.

LINE: Bears by 9

Pick: Bears

San Diego Chargers @ Cleveland Browns

The Chargers had almost 2 weeks to figure out how they lost to the Broncos in Week 6 after leading 24-0 at the half. Luckily, they play a Browns team that seems to give everything away in the third and fourth quarter: leads, defensive holes, whole football teams, stadiums…

LINE: Chargers by 1

Pick: Chargers

Seattle Seahawks @ Detroit Lions

If there’s one thing the Lions seem to do well, it’s confuse the critics. One week they’re scoring at will against an upper-tier defense, the next they’re giving up 44 points to one of the worst offenses in the league. And people wonder why Ndamukong Suh is so angry while he’s delivering hits? Maybe he needs to deliver his angst on Twitter like Richard Sherman. Then, at least, it would get more laughs than boos.

LINE: Lions by 1

Pick: Seahawks

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Green Bay Packers

What happens when your starting quarterback and starting running back are injured and possibly out for a game against the Packers? That is what the Jaguars will find out if Chad Henne is under center with Rashad Jennings behind him. It’s possible that the stock in these backups will go up for next season, but that’s only because that stock hit the floor last year. Why else would they be in Jacksonville?

LINE: Packers by 16

Pick: Jaguars

Indianapolis Colts @ Tennessee Titans

It took some time, but Chris Johnson finally doubled his total running yardage in one game. Well, not quite, but it was real close with 195 yards. His total right now after seven weeks is 496. That stat may continue to grow as the Titans play the Colts, who gave up 162 running yards to Shonn Greene of the Jets and 28 yards to a Browns fan that somehow got suited up and placed in the I-formation.

LINE: Titans by 4

Pick: Titans

New England Patriots @ St. Louis Rams

It’s that time again. Time to flex those American muscles and show the world what real football is all about by playing a game in London. Don’t laugh. It worked in Canada. The Bills had a yearly game across Niagara Falls that led to the creation of the CFL. Oh. Sorry, the CFL led to Canadians crying out for real football, so we only tease them with Bills games. This week, we give London the “Belichick D” and a moustache. It’s less than the hype, but it may make the British confused enough to start following the sport.

LINE: Patriots by 7

Pick: Rams

Miami Dolphins @ New York Jets

You have to hand it to the Jets. Even though they had their game against the Patriots for the taking and lost under the pressure, Sanchez proved that he could still complete a pass. Granted, it was against one of the worst healthy secondaries in the league, but it was enough to show that Tim Tebow will continue his pilgrimage through the positions on offense, defense, special teams, and water-boy assistance. Maybe this week he’ll play offensive left tackle.

LINE: Jets by 1

Pick: Jets

Atlanta Falcons @ Philadelphia Eagles

The Eagles made a huge coaching change after their Week 6 loss to the Eagles: the firing of defensive coach Juan Castillo. It makes sense. That defense has been letting too many players find their way into the end zone. Let’s forget the fact that the Eagles offense has fumbled 15 times so far and losing 9, sometimes making their defense have to protect in the red zone right away. That’s obviously an issue with the defensive coordinator. Sorry, just invoked the little Jim Rome in me for a minute.

LINE: Eagles by 1

Pick: Falcons

Washington Redskins @ Pittsburgh Steelers

RG3 really is a marvel of option quarterbacks. I haven’t seen a display like this since I was a little kid rooting for the Philadelphia Eagles because I had a man-crush on Randall Cunningham. Unfortunately, RG3 refuses to stay upright after making touchdown passes, making games look more like a tennis final than a football game. Look for RG3 to be on his back again this week against the Steelers, but for the wrong reasons.

LINE: Steelers by 5

Pick: Redskins

Oakland Raiders @ Kansas City Chiefs

The Chiefs plan on unveiling their new offense after almost two weeks of preparation. Besides the idea of keeping both of their quarterbacks in the rotation in order to slow down the game-play and annoy (not confuse) the Raiders defense, they will also be showcasing such tactics as punting the ball on first down in order to give their defense a chance to score some points. Against these Raiders, it may actually work.

LINE: Chiefs by 1

Pick: Raiders

New York Giants @ Dallas Cowboys

The last time that the Giants and Cowboys played, Jerry Jones was correct about kicking some asses. This time, my algorithms based on the Giants of 2007 and 2011 is a bit vague. In both seasons, they won in Week 8, but only beat the Cowboys in Dallas after losing to them at home in 2007. Math has failed me, so I may be forced to go with my gut.

LINE: Giants by 1

Pick: Giants

New Orleans Saints @ Denver Broncos

The Joe Vitt reunion party would probably be sweeter for the Saints if they were in the Superdome, but NFL schedules don’t always work out in favor of drama. Instead, the Saints will be on the war-path, with rally cries such as, “Let’s do it for that other replacement coach!” and singing, “Hey Joe.”

LINE: Broncos by 6

Pick: Broncos

Monday, October 29th, 2012

San Francisco 49ers @ Arizona Cardinals

It’s amazing that, only two seasons ago, the NFC West would be littered with teams trying to give away the division title. The next year, the 49ers finally decided to stop screwing around and take it. Now, the Arizona Cardinals are trying to stay in the party with the Seattle Seahawks while the Rams are just one game under .500. This division should be the definition of “Any Given Sunday.”

LINE: 49ers by 7

Pick: 49ers

---

RECORD: 45-58

---

Patrick Emmel is a football fan who began the manly pilgrimage of seeing an NFL game at every stadium two years ago. This year, he’s going to Philly, and maybe even Tampa if he’s unlucky. You can see more of his work at www.theineptowl.com or heckle him on Twitter @Patrick_AE.

Patrick previously used his football knowledge to break down the best, worst and downright horrible draft picks in NFL history.

If you haven’t had enough NFL jokes, you can check out last week’s Asinine Analysis! —>