by Evan Widhu
Take it from someone who became the honorable representative Anthony Weiner for an evening last year (navy suit, american flag lapel pin, cardboard Twitter window framing the tube sock bulge in my exposed grey boxer briefs ) going topical will get you noticed on Halloween. Ladies will marvel at your wit and creative resources. Dudes will want to have pictures of themselves doing shots with the guy who spent our tax dollars sending penis pics. Which is why we’re giving you a leg up with six internet famous costumes that are all achievable on the cheap.
The soul of any costume can be distilled into 5 elements or less and Psy’s signature yacht party look is no exception. Rounded John Lennon style sun glasses (or Ray Bans in a pinch), black bow tie, a suit of your choice (the more Elton John the better), and plenty of hair gel to achieve that lacquered wedge. Now you’ve got 2 weeks to get your pony stepping, lasso tossing, all synched up.
The “cute” costume is hazardous material even in the surest of hands so handle America’s greatest real life anime treasure carefully. Executed correctly this will have every lady with cat hair on her Emily Dickenson costume crawling up your scratching post but mishandled this will get very How to Catch a Predator, very quickly. The key: never, ever, speak of your own cuteness. As for the costume: Step 1) Print out the handy, artfully pitiful, Bub face that we’ve provided here and glue it to a stiff cardboard backing. Step 2) Wear with a heathered grey sweatshirt and sweatpants. Step 3) Don’t be a creeper.
“Charlie the Zombie bit my finger AGAIN!”
Sure your mom probably only discovered this last week thanks to one of the hipper members of her jazzercise class and now she can’t stop sending you the last 2 years of parodies but really who doesn’t like a cultural touch point that so easily lends itself to zombieism? The recipe is simple: bald head wig or mask, bloody finger dangling out of the mouth, green blankie, and maniacal giggling.
The Ottoman Humping Dudes
Another oldie that remains a favorite of mine for it’s weird turn of the century sexual rites, amazing stage names, and pure sensual heatthis one is not for the faint of heart or the weak of hips. Find the smallest, lightest ottoman available (we’ll allow a large couch cushion) and using string hang it from around your neck at optimal thrusting level. Put a sleeveless white tee, knotted at the back, over this to partially hide the strings and then complete the look with basketball shorts generously sagged. And remember, tell everyone to just call you PipeLayer.
Kony 2012 Guy on a Bender
Remember when this guy did this? He’s probably hoping you don’t so why not jog everyone’s memory and show up at your co-worker’s dead author-themed Halloween cupcake party in the signature red Kony tee with a blond Justin Beiber style wig, consume every substance in sight and then pound the ground for a while.
Botched Art Restoration
If this summer’s best loved art improvement project has proved nothing else, masterful restoration work is no longer a field for the professionals which means its your turn to “fix” a priceless masterpiece. Use the “smudge” tool in photoshop to beautifully “restore” a photo of yourself as we’ve done here and then paste it into the handy background we’ve provided. Put your finished work in the goldest plastic frame you can find (sans glass) at your local dollar store and attach string to the sides or a stick at the bottom so that it can be used as a mask and voila!
No matter how you choose to be internet famous for a night remember a few ground rules: don’t let anyone in your circle dress as a “pimp” or “ho”, do everything in your power not to walk home the next morning in a Lil Bub mask, and never go to a second location with anyone who needs to use “sexy” as a descriptor for what they’re wearing. Sexy witches/cats/nurses/botched art restorations are to a person crazy goods.
Now that you know what to wear find out more about what you should be drinking with 10 Things You Did Not Know about Liqour.