Reporting Luke McKinney
Costume parties are a giant shared psychology test. Some people wish they could wave guns around all the time, some wish they could be half-naked all the time, and some reveal that they’re fundamentally lazy @$$#()!%$ by turning up with a joke about the regular clothes they wear all the time. That’s like turning up for an orgy and refusing to take off your sweatpants: everyone else is making an effort and your crappy clothes prevent you from joining in.
So Halloween is when we learn the truth about each other. That’s why it’s scary — we only added ghosts and witches so that idiots won’t work out the trick. For example, a few years ago thousands of detestable @$$#()!%$ revealed themselves by dressing as Steve Irwin with a spike. So choose with care. And make an effort, because this is the one night of the year you can score with Lara Croft. But beware the following four ideas. They look like fun, but have hidden dangers.
Felix Baumgartner rode a balloon to the edge of space, stared down at the abyss, and prevented it from staring back by jumping out and headbutting it. This man fell not just from but through the entire sky to break the sound barrier with his face. Which is cool, and distracts us from the fact that an energy drink company now has greater human spacelaunch capacity than NASA. He’s a world hero and, even better, and incredibly easy costume: white jumpsuit, couple of buckles and logos, a few cans of Red Bull and you’re good to go.
You’re going to be loaded with spiked energy drink cocktails and wearing a “jumping off high places” uniform. It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to work out what could go wrong, but it might take one to put your skull back together afterwards.
By far the most famous Spanish fresco in the world, Ecce Homo was ruined by an elderly amateur attempting to restore it, and wasn’t given a $#!+ about until that happened. The entire internet piled on to the mocking bandwagon, which is weird, because we don’t think millions of people really cared about the delicate brushwork of Elias Garcia Martinez. This level of sustained mockery could have ended the career of five corrupt politicians, and instead it was used to harass an old woman. Listen, the whole point of having American Idol is so that we can mock ridiculously untalented morons who volunteered for it. If we go around bullying old women, we’ve been suffering reality TV for nothing.
Everyone missed how the restoration was actually a masterpiece in meta-modern art. “Ecce homo” means “Behold the man,” depicting the suffering of Jesus after enduring scourging and the crown of thorns. Now even the artwork has suffered the ruination of a divine form by unthinking human hands. Genius!
It makes the wearer feel clever while proving they aren’t. Halloween is a chance to be whatever you want, and when you decide to be a meme, that’s how your imagination turns your entire body into a suicide note. Wearing this says “I think having the internet makes me special, even though it comes out of the air into people’s phones now.” If you see someone wearing it, make their face look stupider than the painting’s by asking them who the artist was.
Big Bird is famous online, and not just because the internet has a mental age of a seven. (Albeit a deeply disturbed seven year old with the medical expertise and detachment of a gynecologist in terms of human genitals.) Mitt Romney’s recent attacks on the PBS budget–possibly as part of a backup plan to become an actual megavillain and sidestep the election completely–mean the Sesame Street spokesbird is back in the spotlight. Because simplifying political issues to the level of “greedy executives versus cute talking animals” is what the internet does. Although this time that is actually what happened.
A big bird costume is every wrong kind of hot. First the disastrously sexy Big Bird costumes:
We’re not sure whether they’re Big Bird or someone who murdered him to wear his flesh, but we are sure it’s not hot. That costume is to sex appeal what Captain Kirk is to talking computers: an impossible question which ends in death. Wearing the face of childhood as a hat isn’t a costume, it’s how you intimidate a masked serial killer into terrorizing a different college campus.
The other kind of hot is the men’s costume: sheer temperature. A bulky bird costume is how you turn a party into a level of hell, a sodden sweatbox made worse by how every single person will find it hilarious to hug you. Your feathers become a forensic lab for every fluid at the party. You’re basically a giant sponge, sucking up every spill to start a stench battle between the the combined pitstains of everyone else on the outside versus your own personal sauna on the inside.
PSY temporarily overwrote the entire internet with “Gangnam Style.” Half a billion views means more people have seen him than most world leaders, and he’s more respected, and clearly having a better time. He’s also an easy costume: shades, a sharp suit or dress shirt, and you get to be recognized by everyone while still wearing comfortable clothes.
We’d warn you about other people wearing the same costume if we were Cosmopolitan, but then this article would be forty words long and would be mostly be a list of overpriced shades worn by a horse and Sarah Jessica Parker. Men don’t worry about wearing the same costume. If they did, sports would become impossible. Multiple men in the same clothes just mean they agree on what’s cool, and now have the option of a fight to the death to establish the true champion, just like they’ve always wanted. Multiple Gangnam Styles connect like Constructicons, getting stronger with every addition until they’re an unstoppable. No, the real danger of Gangnam is endurance.
The whole point of Gangam Style is NOT stopping. Ever. PSY rocks out everywhere: the train station, crossing the road, the bus — unless you’re planning on teleporting to the party you might be shagged out before you even get there. Meanwhile PSY is still grooving right through aerobics classes, other people’s saunas, and even vast laser-powered aircraft hangers crafted specifically to try to hold him.
When you meet other Gangnam Styles, the ancient ’80s instinct to dance-off will be irresistible.
You’d better be ready for more horse-dancing than taking Sarah Jessica Parker to a Kentucky prom. Going Gangnam Style isn’t just a costume, it’s a commitment to kick ass. Enjoy!
Luke McKinney watches the new Halo series and mocks The Craziest Scientific Theories of U.S. Politicians.