Reporting Patrick Braud
Gentlemen (who reside in caves), the annual “Day-Of-Getting-Wasted-While-Dressed-In-Ridiculous-Garb” is now upon us. This Hallow’s Eve, those of us who don’t hate fun will participate in the ritual and feel tremendously sorry for the obvious jerks and total downers who will die unloved who are not in costume.
Don’t have a costume yet? Panicking about the shame-inducing and arbitrary reality that I have just constructed for you? Well, you should be. Because it’s totally real and not just opinion. But seriously, don’t be a Debbie Downer. Get a goddamn costume and join in on the fun.
No ideas? No problem. Luckily for you that exact situation is what this article is about, and I intend on finishing said article.
Now perhaps if you decide to cross the fun-threshold a little more into gettin’-kinda-weird territory, you can also spruce up your costumes…sexily. Women do it all the time, so why not? If they get to have a sexy Bert and Ernie, then we should get to sexify whatever costumes we want. Why should we be restricted to being the Sexy Police Officer or Sexy Fireman every year when women can just take a normal costume and remove half of the clothes?
Below are some costume ideas and how to make them so totally awesome and sexy that girls will definitely ask you to do the sex all over them.
Walter White – AKA Heisenberg
The morally ambiguous to defunct protagonist of “Breaking Bad,” a very recognizable costume that only carries the downsides upsides of having to shave your head, grow a badass goatee, and say things like “I am the danger.”
Strip down to those tighty whities. If you want to stick to the plot, Walt’s main method of sexiness was his newfound confidence and dangerousness, though the part where it was actually intriguing — before the crippling megalomania and homicide — lasted for about four episodes in the first season.
You could try a few pickup lines such as “Hey baby, want some Blue Sky?” and pointing to your junk (be careful to note that you are not actually offering meth, especially if you live in the Midwest), or leaning against the doorframe of the sexy party host and referring to yourself as the “one who knocks…his head against your bedpost and holds back tears for the rest of the copulation.”
However, after field tests these lines currently have a success rate of zero, so you might just want to stick to the tighty wighties. And maybe some abs. Yeah, abs.
For movies, this was the year of the superheroes, and by that we mean “The Avengers” and “The Dark Knight Rises.” We heard there was something about a guy who was really thrilled to see spiders or something, but these two were really the only ones that mattered, especially in the sense that we would describe the amount of money these two made to be somewhere in the neighborhood of, “All of it. All of the money.”
So, yeah. People will know who you are. No worries.
Luckily for you, these characters are already set up to be pretty sexy, what with the movie stars and the nice teeth and all that jazz. You just have to take a few steps, handily outlined for you below:
Thor: Remove shirt.
Captain America: Remove shirt.
Hawkeye: Remove shirt.
Iron Man: Remove chestplate.
Black Widow: Be a woman. Be Scarlett Johansson. Then please call me.
He’s kind of a big deal. I mean, at least a few people will get it. If they’re still confused, just punch them in the face as hard as you can and scream at them until they tell you where Harvey Dent is. Then they’ll totally get it! You’ll all have a good laugh about it afterwards.
Trick question, you’re already the Goddamned Batman, and the Batman’s carnal urges are satisfied by freshly punched faces and ladies dressed up like cat/dominatrix hybrids. If your thoughts to sexy up this costume were to add nipples, you SURRENDER YOUR COWL.
Another character from an AMC hit series that returns in a timely fashion for the Hallowseason (see what we did there?), and a pretty easy one to do last minute. Just get some snazzy yet rugged man-of-the-people jeans and work shirt, roll around in the dirt for a while, and let your entire world come crashing down upon you very suddenly, then have your hopes raised by the appearance of your wife, child, best friend, and a gaggle of rag-tag helpfuls to get you through it. Then replace that with crippling doubts on faithfulness, crush your ideas about your own competency, then kill a few of your group and stab your former best friend and you’ll be good to go.
Sexy Rick Grimes
Um…abs, I guess?
We know, we know. There are going to be a ton of PSY’s this year. In fact, this Halloween will probably be known as the “Bane and Gangnam Style” year, so I was a little hesitant to put either on this list. I was able to restrain myself from Bane because a Sexy Bane costume would essentially be the same costume, yet still terrifying, especially if in mid-coitus you were telling women that their “sexing must be more severe.” You don’t want to go there, no sir.
But PSY’s a…different story. It could be because his song is genuinely catchy and the video’s actually kind of hilarious, but there’s something else that just draws me to this costume…wait! By Zeus’ beard, I’ve got it!
Get a friend and add this guy.
Wingman each other straight to the Lady-town Express and you will never derail, good sirs. Godspeed you classy gentlemen, you.
Patrick is a writer and comedian living in Chicago. This year he’s going to be Dean Venture to his roommate’s Hank Venture and is absolutely going to do the Mecha Shiva. He’s got a Tumblr that he swears is totally super awesome and is updated like, so often and a twitter that he tweets about on Twitter @fatfraud.