6 Fringe Presidential Candidates (and Why They’re Hurting in the Polls)

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We need a president whose idea of recycling is to be more metal

We need a president whose idea of recycling is to be more metal

Snapshot_20130918 Jason Iannone
Jason Iannone is a Columnist and freelance editor for Cracked, Senior...
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by Jason Iannone

 

What does a pregnant woman have in common with the race for the Presidency? Well, both are emotionally charged, and far easier to deal with when drunk. But more importantly, each has only two possible results; your child will either be a boy or a girl, and your President will either be a Democrat or a Republican. The age of your new President determines which scenario will produce the least amount of drool.

But this analogy isn’t completely accurate; any 35-year-old natural born US citizen who has lived in the US for 14 consecutive years can be President. The basic paperwork to register as a candidate is ridiculously easy to obtain and fill out. This inevitably produces a few, let’s say, fringe candidates each time around. These guys and gals are legitimate candidates but, for one reason or another, don’t have very much support at all. An inspection of a few of the more entertaining candidates might shed some light on why:

Peta Lindsay

APPEARS ON THE BALLOT IN: Ten states

Peta Lindsay is the nominee of the Party for Socialism and Liberation, because pro-Castro Marxism worked so well the last time around. Peta is famous for being the co-chair of the first post-9/11 antiwar protest, a mere eighteen days after the attacks, and roughly a year-and-a-half before a good chunk of the world followed suit. Like The Velvet Underground before her, Peta Lindsay was clearly ahead of her time.

peta pslwebdotorg 6 Fringe Presidential Candidates (and Why They’re Hurting in the Polls)

A screenshot from the campaign’s website

WHAT’S HURTING HER CHANCES:

You mean besides the whole Socialism thing? That doesn’t really fly with too many people these days; a 40-year Cold War, combined with every bad guy from 80’s action movies ever, has made people wary of giving some pinko access to the red button, no matter how color-coordinated it may be. This is America, dammit! We might have a few (OK, 80) Commies running willy-nilly all around Congress, but the Executive Branch is where we draw the line.

But wait, there’s more! Peta was seventeen years old when she set up the 9/11 protest. That was 11 years ago. Quickie math lesson: 17 + 11 = not even close to 35. Yes, a US political party, which actually wants to be taken seriously, has fielded a candidate for President who is too young to be President. Isn’t that like Rule 1 for this whole President thing? This is like trying out for the Boston Celtics without having seen a basketball in your entire life. Some obstacles just cannot be overcome.

So no big deal, you think. If she wins, they’ll just put her Vice-President in charge, who’s clearly old enough. Well, yes, and he’s also clearly not born in the country. He is openly a child of Colombia; there are no birther conspiracy theories here. So his boss violates Rule 1 of being President, and he follows suit by breaking Rule 2. Well, they definitely weren’t kidding about being radical. They better appoint a damn good, and preferably legal, Speaker Of The House. We really don’t need members of this Administration disqualified, one after the other, until finally the damned Secretary of Energy is discovered to be in compliance with the Constitution.

Roseanne Barr

APPEARS ON THE BALLOT IN: California

Yes, the comedian. Back in 2011, Roseanne announced her intent to become the Green Party candidate for President, running on a platform of no taxes and “outlawing bull$%#!.” We sincerely hope that becomes law, if only to witness “no bull$%#!” transcribed into boring legalese for inclusion in the law books and the Constitution.

Now, lest you think this is little more than a publicity stunt to help stage a comeback or something, Roseanne appears dead serious. After losing the Green nomination, she jumped ship to the Peace And Freedom Party, winning their nomination on a platform of “I’m famous, dammit.” The party’s only listed on the California ballot, but there’s a semi-decent chance of a few dozen million people all writing her in, even without knowing what she stands for, because they really liked the harmonica in her show’s intro.

roseanneforprez 6 Fringe Presidential Candidates (and Why They’re Hurting in the Polls)

After nine seasons, she has a better understanding than most candidates of the problems facing working-class, plus-size Americans

WHAT’S HURTING HER CHANCES:

The fact that she’s an actress isn’t the issue. After all, we made Reagan President, and we’d probably have elected Schwarzenegger if that were a legal thing to do. No, what’s really hurting her is her intent to double-dip, as both President of the United States AND Prime Minister of Israel. America would likely take umbrage to President Roseanne devoting her energies to Israel, instead of her home country. But really, running one country can just get so boring, especially if bull$%#! is against the law and nobody does it anymore. Everyone needs a hobby to spice up their life, so why not run a second country on your off days?

There’s precedent when it comes to running two things at once. Over in the sporting world, the owners of the Boston Red Sox decided that they wanted to dip their toes in the soccer world as well. So, in 2010, they purchased the Liverpool FC Reds, way over in Jolly Olde England. Now granted, both clubs have epically collapsed since then, with Liverpool failing to qualify for European play for the first time in about 13 years, and Boston losing more than 90 games for the first time since 1965. Luckily, being President and Prime Minister are more or less the same thing, unlike soccer and baseball, which are very different from each other. Roseanne should be fine, though the voting public may not think so.

Also, we have to presume she would declare an official version of the National Anthem: hers. That might hurt her chances, not to mention our eardrums and sanity.

Jim Carlson

APPEARS ON THE BALLOT IN: Minnesota

One of Romney’s biggest strengths, according to his supporters, is that he’s a successful businessman, who can handle complex financial matters, and who would apply that knowledge to digging the US out of its current economic slump. But what if you can’t stand Romney, but still want a businessman in office? Perhaps Jim Carlson is your man.

He owns and operates The Last Place On Earth, a Minnesota shop that boasts over $6 million in sales this year alone. Not bad for one shop in one place, right? It was certainly impressive enough for the Grassroots Party, who have nominated him as their candidate for President.

grassroots 6 Fringe Presidential Candidates (and Why They’re Hurting in the Polls)

The Grassroots Party was going to finish building its website, but then it got high and wandered off

WHAT’S HURTING HIS CHANCES:

His store pulls in millions alright, but not by offering the lowest prices on milk, combined with exceptional customer service. No, Carlson makes his money by selling bath salts, salvia, and other forms of synthetic marijuana that are very much illegal.

Carlson’s shop has been raided by police numerous times, most recently this past September. They’re not only annoyed that he sells the stuff, but that he openly does so. Few things ensure police action quicker than thumbing your nose and going “neener neener weiner, you can’t catch meeeee”.

Let’s face facts: if Clinton couldn’t get pot legalized, Carlson probably wouldn’t have much more luck. Especially since he’s the nominee for the Grassroots, a party that touts itself as being like the Green Party, only more focused on marijuana legalization. To many voters, this does nothing but make them a single-issue party, and they aren’t exactly denying that point when they suggest the next President be a guy who runs a damned pot shop. That’s like Jason Statham claiming he’s a versatile actor, and then playing yet another angry badass who punches everyone in the throat if they look at him the wrong way.

Furthermore, bath salts have a bit of a crappy reputation these days, thanks to a few spoilsports who used them, and then went on face-eating sprees. So to a couple thousand Grassroots voters, Jim Carlson is a hero and freedom fighter. Unfortunately, the majority of voters, especially those who actually bought into the Zombie Apocalypse thing, see him as Albert Wesker, albeit with worse hair and no awesome sunglasses.

Randall Terry

APPEARS ON THE BALLOT IN: None, Independent

You have to admire somebody who fails and then tries and tries again, even as many people consider their struggle to be insane, and perhaps awful, in nature. Such is Randall Terry, who wants to be President for one reason, and one reason only: exposing the American public to dead babies.

Randall Terry is an extreme pro-lifer who doesn’t seem to care about any other issues, just so long as all children live to deal with them. To that end, he decided to run for President in one of the most no-win situations imaginable. Though a life-long Republican, Terry magically turned Democrat early this year, and ran against an otherwise-unopposed Barack Obama. As you might have guessed, Terry failed to win the nomination, and has since renewed his campaign as an Independent, pictures of dead babies in tow.

randallterry 6 Fringe Presidential Candidates (and Why They’re Hurting in the Polls)

You go to that page, you’re gonna see a lot of fetuses and decapitations

WHAT’S HURTING HIS CHANCES:

No matter what you may think about abortion, we can all agree that if somebody messes with our football, there’s gonna be HELL to pay. And Terry sought to do just that by airing political ads during the Super Bowl featuring—you guessed it—pictures of dead babies, so he already has one major strike against him. Voters are, for better or for worse, going to hear about this guy and automatically dismiss him as “the pro-life guy who wanted me to throw up during the Super Bowl.” After you earn that label, it won’t matter how much you like Big Bird; you’re going to be in trouble.

Look, if you’re going to showcase your politics during the Super Bowl, it’s probably best to dress it up a tad. Instead of graphic pictures of aborted fetuses, how about some stereotypical dude-bros engaged in predictably wacky scenarios? Then, kill the ominous voice, growling about the evils of a pro-choice President, and replace it with, say, a talking dog. And finally, instead of a drab campaign slogan like, “Life, Liberty, and Justice Under God,” use something quick and snappy, something that will really grab the attention of the average viewer. May we suggest, “Here We Go?” The bumper stickers would sell themselves, really.

Our point

Randy Blythe

APPEARS ON THE BALLOT IN: None, Independent
randy blythe leon nealafpgetty images 6 Fringe Presidential Candidates (and Why They’re Hurting in the Polls)

“But what about favorable trade policies, Mr. Chairman?”

Randy Blythe is the lead singer of Lamb Of God, a band so hardcore, and so metal, that even Slayer yells at them to turn that crap down, people are trying to sleep ya know, dadgummit. In short, he ain’t Bieber. But he wants to be President, and to return America to a more badass time, where men were men and fought for what they believed in.

If elected, he has promised to endure Boot Camp, and then kill an enemy combatant with his bare hands, just to show the military that their leader is one of them. Sadly, he probably won’t promise to also work a minimum-wage retail slave job from Hell, which is too bad. Maybe the anonymous schmucks stuck doing those jobs want to know their leader is just like them, too.

WHAT’S HURTING HIS CHANCES:

He’s already allegedly killed a man with his bare hands. One problem: it was a fan.

Where’s what’s alleged to have happened: during a 2010 concert in Prague, the fan in question charged the stage repeatedly. Blythe allegedly pushed him back into the crowd. The fan reportedly whacked his head on the concrete, and died. Blythe was arrested earlier this year for manslaughter, as he attempted to enter the Czech Republic for another show, and has since been released on the condition that he return for the trial later on. The band and their manager refute that account, but whatever happened, the Czechs thought they had enough evidence to file manslaughter charges.

No trial date has been set, but it would almost certainly be after Election Day. Imagine that, if he actually won. Take the occasional silly story of a President getting called for jury duty, and multiply that by five hundred quadzillion. You would have a sitting President, on trial, for murder. In another country, no less. Not even Andrew Jackson went on trial, and he killed a guy on purpose! Now admittedly, it was a duel, something people in the early 1800’s considered fun, since Angry Birds and pick-up basketball hadn’t been invented yet. But the result was the same: man dead.

Bottom line, if Randy Blythe wants to be President, he might want to get his name cleared first, lest every nation on Earth have the biggest laugh ever at America’s expense. And next time some drunken moron gets on stage, stick him in a headlock and have security handle the rest. After all, good leaders delegate.

The Naked Cowboy

APPEARS ON THE BALLOT IN: None, Independent

Shockingly conservative for a guy who plays guitar in nothing but his undies, the Naked Cowboy is running for President under the Tea Party platform.

nakedcowboy jemal countessgetty images 6 Fringe Presidential Candidates (and Why They’re Hurting in the Polls)

Here he is, running for mayor

WHAT’S HURTING HIS CHANCES:

For starters, his nickname automatically paints him as a big fat liar. If you wear underwear, you’re not naked, period. Technically, he should lose the boots and hat too, if he truly wants to paint himself as an honest candidate. Granted, “The Underdressed Cowboy” doesn’t have the same ring to it, but we like to think voters would rather deal with a cumbersome moniker than yet another lying Oval Office occupant.

The Cowboy appears to be serious about being President though, and projecting a proper Presidential image, which includes actual clothing. That, oddly enough, is his biggest problem: strip away everything that makes the Naked Cowboy famous, and all that’s left is Robert Burck: suit-wearing white guy with a sensible haircut. And suddenly, no one cares. Notice how little time this article devoted to his introduction? Exactly.

Like it or not, when you spend ten years busking for money in front of millions of people a day, dressed in nothing but your skivvies, it becomes your trademark. People go to Times Square and actively seek him out, but not to ask him his opinions on fiscal policy, or how he would protect “America’s language, borders, and culture.” No, they want to see him play guitar and be hunky. So when he puts on a nice shirt (which, admittedly, would solve the where-to-stick-the-flag-pin question), and starts to look the part, people walk away.

He would probably have more luck with his campaign if he just gave in to his novelty status, and kissed babies while dressed in what, to them, probably looks like a gigantic diaper. If he does this, and wins, then only one question would remain: how to not freeze to death on Inauguration Day.

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Go ahead and tell us Tara Reid would be a more embarrassing VP than Dan Quayle. We dare you…

Jason Iannone is a humorist and editor for hire. He can currently be found at Cracked and TopTenz, as well as the usual social media thises and thats.

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“I promise untrimmed chests and shame-genitals for every American!”

If these candidates need more name recognition, maybe they should pick their running mates from 5 Celebrity Burnouts Who Need A Regular Job. Jason also previously theorized that, unlike some of these candidates, That Guy From Train might actually be in control of his own insanity, in An Open Letter To The Lead Singer Of Train.

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