Reporting Steve Stevenson
Perhaps you saw it coming, but Halloween was “National Increase Your Psychic Powers Day.” You have to admire the title–apparently there’s a demograph of folks out there who are right now saying to themselves “Is it that time of year again? Seems like only yesterday I crushed that Volkswagen with the magic of my mind. Welp, time to power up!” and then inadvertently destroying Tokyo.
For most of us (read: all of us) increasing our psychic powers will prove to be very difficult (read: impossible.) Don’t think I haven’t tried myself; I’ve been staring at a can of lager now for twenty solid minutes, but the closest I can get to moving it with my mind is by using my brain to instruct my arm to pick it up, which I don’t think counts. And the only thing I’ve successfully predicted today is that lager is super delicious.
However, in deference to all the overwhelming evidence to the contrary, there’s a hard core of people in internet-land who are just tripping over themselves to give you advice on how you can develop your psychic powers. For your convenience, I’m going to relay a couple of those “genuine” tips here, and then offer some manly Man Cave alternatives for when said tips inevitably fail.
Psychic Exercise No. 1: “Guess The Caller”
When your telephone rings, try and predict who is calling. Eventually your accuracy at predicting the caller will increase, and may develop your natural clairvoyant abilities.
Man Cave Alternative
The big failing with this tip is that if you’re the sort of person who believes they have psychic powers, then you’re probably not the sort of person that gets many phone-calls in the first place. And the phone-calls you do get will be from the same concerned relative making sure you haven’t murdered your cat, so, yes, your ability to predict the caller will probably increase. The next big failing with this tip is that caller ID is a thing.
As a Man Cave Daily alternative, simply run yourself a nice, hot bath. Then, before you get in, tell a friend or relative that you predict that you will shortly receive a sales call. Get in the bath, and according to the natural laws of god-damnery, you will undoubtably receive a call from somebody desperately trying to increase your internet speed. Adjust your towel and prepare to bath in the astonished adulation from your peers. And then go and bath in the regular bath water, because its getting cold and some of us have global warming to think about you insensitive ass.
Psychic Exercise No. 2: “Predict The Sports”
When you watch a sporting event, tell yourself the outcome of the game/race. As your skills develop, try and predict other statistics such as top five placings etc. Be careful not to misuse this ability for personal gain, or you will surely lose it!
Man Cave Alternative
I’m going to say right off the bat that if you’re not allowed to gamble, then being able to predict racing events is a massive waste of everybody’s time. That’s like bestowing the power of flight on a goldfish.
Rather than unproductive guessing, I suggest you impress your friends by utilizing your underworld contacts to find out which horses have been drugged. That way you can make a smug, organized-crime supported prediction about the winner. And if it doesn’t work out and your friends make fun of you, simply have them dragged away and beaten by your goons (I’m assuming you have goons.)
Psychic Exercise No. 3: “Call The Deck”
Work with a friend and a deck of cards. Start by predicting black or red, then move onto suits and eventually individual cards! A great way to flex your precognitive mind muscles!
There is a saying; “Whenever Possible, Be More like Bill Murray.” In this case, Bill Murray has already demonstrated the perfect alternative to guessing cards by using the position of cardholder to seduce impressionable college girls and electrocute well-meaning volunteers in Ghostbusters. Thus proving the other popular saying; “You Don’t Need Special Powers If You’re Bill Murray.”
Psychic Exercise No. 4: “The Big Question”
Ask three friends a question. Beforehand, your friends must decide amongst themselves which one will give a false answer. You must write down which friend you believe will answer falsely, ask the question, listen to the results and then reveal the name on the card. This exercise will help develop your precognitive powers and your ability to detect deception.
Man Cave Alternative
Actually, this exercise is pretty neat. The only modifier we’d suggest is, after you’ve sat your friends down, lock the door, put a gun on the table and say: “Okay, now which one of you jive mother@£$$%s slept with my wife?”
In the deadly game of cat and mouse that follows, it is unlikely that you’ll increase any latent psychic ability. But you will learn a lot about friendship. And guns. And possibly your wife.
The human mind and sensory organs are a wonderful team, bordering on the mystic in the sheer complexity of their information processing abilities. You’re capable of great and marvelous things, but sadly the Jedi Mind Trick isn’t one of them. And so, on this most pointless of calendar events, don’t waste your time trying to increase your psychic abilities. Instead, try to perfect the art of launching energy balls from your fists.
If you still believe in magic, then believe in the magic of Bread, with another bizarre and confusing calendar event- Lammas Day.