5 Things Your Political Leaning Says About You

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Why is Paul Reiser yelling at that poor child?

Why is Paul Reiser yelling at that poor child?

100_0672 Luis Prada
Luis Prada’s a columnist for Cracked, and his work can also be found...
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by Luis Prada

Your political ideology generally informs who you’ll vote for, but it can also say something about the kind of person you are. Things like…

1) Whether You’re Either Messy or Clean

Who you are, every little anxiety or eccentricity, manages to work its way out of your body and presents itself to the world, whether you want it to or not, including your placement on the political spectrum. It’s called “behavioral residue,” and that just sounds disgusting and sticky. But if you were to look around at someone’s office space or bed room, you would be able to see their behavioral residue all other the place, and you wouldn’t even need a black light.

messy thinkstock 5 Things Your Political Leaning Says About You

He’s messy, but it’s a neat messy

A 2008 study examined the offices and bedrooms of people before finding out their political affiliations, which were measured with a lengthy survey. They found that people who identify as conservative had items that helped them be clean and organized, like ironing boards, stamps, and calendars, as well as being better lit and containing less clutter. Liberals had a wide range of CDs and books, their rooms and offices had more color and were more distinctive, and were generally more stylish, according to an independent group of observers who did not know the political affiliations of the worker’s offices and rooms.

2) Whether Your Parents Were Dicks  

whyispaulreiseryellingatthischild thinkstock 5 Things Your Political Leaning Says About You

Making your child listen to Paul Reiser’s stand-up counts as abuse

It goes without saying that your parents have a big influence on you, even when it comes to your political ideology. But their political influence goes beyond knowing which politicians your parents support and which party they identify with. Your father could be a Prius-driving hippie with pot and gay marriage legalization bumper stickers plastered all over his eco-mobile, but if he’s an authoritarian father who demands to be treated with the utmost respect and instills a fearful temperament in you, his politics be damned; there’s a good chance you’ll be a conservative when you’re 18.

This is because, according to the study, people who consider themselves conservative at age 18 tend to have had more authoritative parents and were more fearful of authority figures, whereas those who identified as liberal were typically more restless and had better focus, and their parents tended to be more egalitarian and welcomed disagreement in their relationship.

3) The Food You Like

youaretoocoolforthisjobyoungfellow thinkstock 5 Things Your Political Leaning Says About You

Freedom fries are up!

Man, even the foods we cram into our faces can be dissected, analyzed, and used to determine how we vote.

A study conducted by Hunch.com, a product recommendation site, which has Wikipedia co-founder Jimmy Wales as a board member and advisor, asked 700,000 of its members a series of questions about food preferences. Regardless of your personal political leaning, their results are sure to make you feel like a traitor during your next meal.

They found that liberals like thin-crust pizza, wine with dinner, pastas with silly names like gnocchi and fusilli, as well as daily servings of fresh fruit. Conservatives prefer deep-dish pizza, McDonald’s fries, and a can of Coke with dinner.

It even extended to something as lame as lettuce. Conservatives prefer iceberg and liberals like arugula. But the ultimate unifier in the world of lettuce, the one who can bring both sides together, was romaine. Everyone loves romaine.

Liberals tended to be more open to new and foreign cuisines, where conservatives thought spaghetti and meatballs constituted international food.

In all, the food preferences sound like they lined up with common stereotypes of each party. But one of the few things, that everyone had in common, other than a love of romaine, was an ability to cook. Or, rather, a lack thereof. People of all political affiliations love their food, but we’ll be damned if we can make it ourselves.

4) What Grosses You Out

yourenoprizeithermadam thinkstock 5 Things Your Political Leaning Says About You

Everyone agreed farts are funny, but not funny enough to be worth smelling

Let’s say you have two guys – one liberal, one conservative. And then, let’s say a third guy walks up to them and poops between two pieces of breads and takes a bite out of it. The conservative would vomit and be absolutely disgusted. The liberal would still think its gross, but he’d probably chuckle.

Now why would this happen? Because, as found in a 2009 study out of Cornell University, conservatives have a wider scope of disgust than liberals, which would explain their whole view on gay marriage.

When shown a series of images that range from cute (puppies!) to disgusting (like a turd floating in a toilet and a guy eating worms), self-described conservatives responded with more intense levels of disgust than liberals, who, apparently, were just a bunch of jaded misanthropes who sighed and rolled their eyes at life’s grosser moments.

A lot of it has to do with morals, and the results of this study have a lot in common with the previously mentioned study about bedrooms and offices. Conservatives avoid things that, instinctively, can lead to disease or sickness. So for many of them, being disgusted by gay sex is more about the exchange of bodily fluid and the potential dangers of physical contact than it is about religion, or anything else for that matter. Liberals tend to disagree, believing judgments should be based on whether there is an actual harm as a result of an act and not just a hypothetical harm.

5) The TV Shows You Prefer  

thistvonlyexistsinthematrix thinkstock 5 Things Your Political Leaning Says About You

Both sides agreed rabbit-ear TV is frustrating, though

Yup. The machine you turn to to get away from all of life’s annoyances can also be used to pigeon hole you into neat little box so The Man can slap a red or blue label on you.

That sounded paranoid. But, true. Your TV habits may be yet another result of your slimy behavioral residue.

A study by marketing group Experian-Simmons found that conservatives prefer reality shows about hard-working people with uber-manly occupations, like Swamp Loggers and Swamp People, and Dancing with the Stars. In short, reality shows filled with drama that is in no way real.

Liberals lean toward scripted comedies and dramas, like 30 Rock, Parks and Recreation, and The View.

So blame conservatives for the persistence of unintelligible rednecks polluting your expensive cable package, and blame liberals for the persistence of unintelligible, bickering women shredding your ear drums.


The "not very good at cross-dressing mermaid" is the mere stuff of legend

The “not very good at cross-dressing mermaid” is the mere stuff of legend

Luis Prada’s work can be found on Cracked, FunnyCrave, The Smoking Jacket, and GuySpeed. If you visit his Tumblr page, The Devil Wears Me, he will give you a non-refundable virtual hug.

...Alfred O. Newman?

…Alfred O. Newman?

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