So last week Disney bought the rights to obscure, indie franchise called Star Wars, you probably haven’t heard of it.
Most Star Wars fans reacted to this news with measured, cautious optimism and wished Disney well in their…Haha! No, they went completely ape-sh$%t! If the fan reaction is any indication then the only way they’ll accept Disney’s control of the franchise is if they sent a Terminator back to 2000 to kill Jar Jar Binks.
Now, obviously Disney didn’t buy the franchise just to let it sit on the shelf, they plan to release Episode 7 of the series in 2015. This has led to much needless, idle speculation on the web as to who’s going to be directing and producing the project. Needless, idle speculation that I fully intend to take part in:
1. Michael Bay
He already has extensive experience working with CGI characters (Optimus Prime, Bumblebee Shia LeBouef) and knows how to handle robots that are offensive stereotypes (Jazz, C3PO). Bay’s Star Wars would probably be dumb and not make a whole lot of sense but at least there would be none of that Phantom Menace parliamentary bulls&*t interrupting the space battles.
Anyone who mentioned “trade sanctions” in a Bay movie would immediately be blown up by a killer robot. Or just spontaneously explode. It will happen too fast to tell.
I’m pretty sure that the resultant fan-rage of such an announcement would melt the internet. In fact, I’m probably already the subject of a letter-bomb campaign just for mentioning Michael Bay in the same sentence as Star Wars.
I mean, earlier this year, Bay was announced as the producer of a new TMNT franchise and the internet collectively lost its god-damned mind. From the backlash to the announcement you’d swear that Bay had gone on television and vowed to teabag each and every Turtles fan in their sleep.
Now, TMNT was pretty popular in the ‘90s but it has nothing on Star Wars when it comes to borderline-rabid fans. The backlash to a Bay Star Wars announcement would be 1000 times worse. I wouldn’t be surprised to see Kevin Smith leading an army of Wookies against the Magical Kingdom the next day.
Speaking of Kevin Smith…
2. Kevin Smith
Kevin Smith has a terrifyingly extensive knowledge of Star Wars. His unconditional love of the original trilogy is only rivalled by his inexplicable love of continuing to put Jason Mewes in movies.
Smith probably knows every line and frame of the original trilogy by heart and has built up huge, loyal fanbase through genuinely hilarious speaking engagements and fun podcasts. Who better to helm the new generation of Star Wars films than one of the series’ biggest fans?
Funnily enough, this is exactly the same train of thinking that led DC Comics to let Smith write his own Batman comic back in 2010. The idea was that nobody has as much love and enthusiasm for the character as him so why not let him put all that passion into a book?
The resulting travesty, The Widening Gyre became tangible proof of why sometimes it’s not a great idea to give the superfan the keys to the chocolate factory. It read so much like fan-fiction that I half expected to read “written by Kevluvsweed69” in the credits. It was if he’d been planning to make a Batman parody movie before the opportunity came along and just used the same script.
Seriously, the story features Batman getting high, giving his girlfriend multiple orgasms and pissing his god-damned pants! Oddly enough, this is the only Batman storyline where you’d consider Jason Mewes for the lead role in the movie adaptation.
A Smith-directed trilogy would be in danger of just being three movies about Luke and Han hanging out at the Mos Eisley Cantina, getting high and talking about boobies…and we already have Robot Chicken for that.
3. Christopher Nolan
Where to start? Nolan is not only a technical fantastic director but he’s consistently shown that he doesn’t crack under the pressure of ridiculously high expectations. He’s able to rescue franchises after particularly embarrassing installments. If he can produce Batman Begins out of the ashes of Batman and Robin then there’s every chance that he can bounce Star Wars back from Return of the Sith.
Nolan isn’t exactly adventurous when it comes to casting. I mean, I’m sure Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s a lovely guy and all but I doubt he’d make a good Han Solo. Although I guess Tom Hardy would make a decent Vader, he’s already used to speaking in a ridiculous voice through a breathing apparatus.
It would just be a matter of trying to decide which role he’d inevitably give to Michael Caine. I kind of hope it’s Leia…
4. James Cameron
Cameron knows a little something about heading up a giant sci-fi franchise or two and there aren’t many directors out there that can match his prowess when it comes to working with CGI and motion capture.
I mean, you can’t have a Star Wars movie without exotic aliens that are also thinly-veiled racist caricatures. Who better to bring them to life than the guy who turned an entire generation into borderline-furries with Zoe Saldana’s character in Avatar?
Plus, we might get a crossover where the Na’vi and Wookies team up to demolish some clones! Yes please.
Cameron has an irritating tendency to get so caught up in the visuals of his movies that he tends to forget about….the rest of his movies. Avatar’s Na’vi looked amazingly realistic but they spoke their lines like nervous community theatre performers and the entire story was basically a mash-up of Pocahontas and The Enchanted Forest.
Also, speaking of Avatar, he kind of put too much effort into making the cat-people look sexy. I’m a bit afraid what he’d do with the Wookies and the Ewoks.
5. Joss Whedon
At this stage, Whedon is essentially the nerd-messiah. After The Avengers Whedon has so much geek street-cred that it’s possible that even the die-hard Star Wars fans mightn’t second-guess his every creative decision (remember I said it’s “possible”, not “likely”).
Not to mention the fact that Whedon created a little series called Firefly that was essentially “Star Wars except with better characterization and dialogue.”
There are none! If you think there then you are wrong and I will fight you. Come on! Nathan Fillion as Han Solo, Eliza Dushku as Leia! Somebody please make this happen!
For more unabashed Whedon love, check out The Summer of Joss Whedon.