It looks like my wit is finally leading to winning, as last week’s picks got me a 10-4 record. Either that, or someone has been editing the football scores in my newspaper after seeing me cry for 6 weeks or so.
Either way, I give you the analysis of Week 10 in the NFL in order to not help you make a real, educated guess on who will win. Then again, enough football jokes about a team may rattle their self-esteem.
Thursday, November 8th, 2012
Indianapolis Colts @ Jacksonville Jaguars
Colts fans have a lot to be proud about this week and, really, all season. They’re 5-3 with their golden child quarterback, Andrew Luck. Their defense is holding on for dear life, but usually holding. Coach Chuck Pagano is throwing out Lombardi-esque locker room speeches that have even Colts haters misty-eyed. Jaguars fans…well, they still have a football team. Surely that counts for something.
LINE: Colts by 3
Sunday, November 11th, 2012
New York Giants @ Cincinnati Bengals
Well, it finally happened. My correlation of the Giants’ season to their last two Super Bowl-winning seasons ends with 2007 and 2011 being split 1-1 for the 10th game. Now I need to use real statistics like yardage, defensive schemes, and injury reports. Luckily, this game is against the Bengals, who became most entertaining when quarterback Andy Dalton flashed metalhead devil-horns after throwing a touchdown.
LINE: Giants by 4
Tennessee Titans @ Miami Dolphins
Titans coach Mike Munchak will finally earn his coaching stripes by fire this week. I’m not talking about playing the Dolphins. I’m talking about his response to Titans owner Bud Adams being angry and disappointed after last week’s horror of a game. Munchak’s response on hearing the owner’s woes: “We didn’t play well, and I’d be upset too if I were him.” Ooooh, Mike, bad choice of words, because it sounds like you’re saying you’re not upset at all. Welcome to the world of media inference and conjecture, where a statement like that in a greater metropolitan area would get you run out of town with a bag on your head.
LINE: Dolphins by 6
Detroit Lions @ Minnesota Vikings
The battle for last place in the top-heavy NFC North takes place between the under-achieving Lions and the over-achieving Vikings. The last time these teams met, the Vikings won. Since then, the Lions had crawled back into contention while the Vikings reverted to form faster than Brett Favre in his final years. Bet you didn’t expect to hear that name again, did you?
LINE: Lions by 1
Buffalo Bills @ New England Patriots
The Buffalo Bills legitimately hold their season in their hands this week. A win will put them in real contention for the top spot in the AFC East. A loss will lead to scouting for the 2013 draft. Unfortunately, this game is away, against the Patriots and Tom Brady, with two cornerbacks out and a too-short Fitz-Magic beard.
LINE: Patriots by 11
Atlanta Falcons @ New Orleans Saints
Saints general manager Mickey Loomis is back from his suspension, which means big things for New Orleans: big, unimportant things that won’t really have an application to this lost season. His first duties will be dealing with season-suspended Sean Payton’s contract, how to fill the gaps that defensive players Vilma and Smith will leave in an already horrible defense when they actually serve their suspensions, and finally give interim-to-the-interim-coach Aaron Kromer that sympathetic pat on the butt that he had been missing all season. The Falcons, meanwhile, look to take revenge for all those broken dreams that the Saints had handed them these past few years, and go 9-0 in the process.
LINE: Falcons by 3
San Diego Chargers @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Chargers coach Norv Turner is truly taking games week to week. Unfortunately, it’s easy to say that mentality works when you play the Chiefs. Now they must move onto the next week and take on another team that took Vincent Jackson, their wide receiver. Look to see Philip Rivers throw it to Jackson on the sidelines at least once, for old time’s sake.
LINE: Buccaneers by 3
Denver Broncos @ Carolina Panthers
Peyton Manning must envy Cam Newton. I’m not talking about talent. I’m talking about how Cam was given the chance to stick it to the new guy that everyone was comparing to him, Robert Griffin III. Manning won’t get the chance to make even bigger headlines by playing Andrew Luck and the Colts in the regular season. Unfortunately for Peyton, he may have that match-up in the post-season.
LINE: Broncos by 4
Oakland Raiders @ Baltimore Ravens
The Ravens have needed a wake-up call this season. Yes, they’re 6-2, but some of those games were just way closer then they should have been. The wake-up call happened last week when they almost allowed themselves to have a close game against the Browns, then went and scored another touchdown after someone replaced their Gatorade with coffee. The Raiders, meanwhile, have been waiting for zombie Al Davis to wake up and show his son how to run a football team: hire a coach that will spank his quarterback.
LINE: Ravens by 8
New York Jets @ Seattle Seahawks
Seattle has been a dead zone for visiting teams almost every year. Unfortunately for them, most of their own away games have fallen in dead zones, too, but they’re playing at home so they should be OK. The Jets, however, have one thing that the other teams visiting Seattle didn’t have: a jet on their logo. To say that this fact could actually decide a game of football would sound awkward and ridiculous, but that’s just how the Jets have been this season: awkward and ridiculous.
LINE: Seahawks by 7
Dallas Cowboys @ Philadelphia Eagles
The NFC East has truly become a circus, and the biggest acts in the division come together to decide who get shot out of a cannon by their fans when the Cowboys visit the Eagles. I’m not just talking about the players. Eagles coach Andy Reid is starting to sound like Romeo Crennel with quotes like, “Somewhere here, it’s going to come together”, making Eagles fans finally release that breath of air they’d been holding since 1999. Meanwhile, Cowboys owner/general manager/president/grandmaster/part-time mascot has stated that, while he may fire and hire coaches at a whim, he will never fire himself as general manager because he believes the ghost of Yankees owner George Steinbrenner is leaving notes on his night-table about free agents to sign. Up next: Terrell Owens…again?
LINE: Cowboys by 1
St. Louis Rams @ San Francisco 49ers
It’s been two weeks, but the Rams should have fully recuperated from the jet-lag they had after being thumped by the Patriots, ironically, in London. Maybe irony would be better if it were the Lions instead of the Rams, but I play with what I have, just like the Rams. The 49ers had a bye week, too, but really, how do you take a break from San Francisco? Do you fly to the East coast to hang out in a hurricane? Go up to the Yukon and ice-skate for 50 miles?
LINE: 49ers by 11
Houston Texans @ Chicago Bears
7-1 is a great record. Coincidentally, both teams in this match-up have that record. That may seem like a must-see game, but look at the teams that each of these teams played to get here. The Texans beat teams like the Dolphins, Ravens, and Broncos. The Bears beat a line of college teams and a flag football beer league team. Bears quarterback Jay Cutler will decide whether this is a must-see game, or must turn off by halftime.
LINE: Bears by 1
Monday, November 12th, 2012
Kansas City Chiefs @ Pittsburgh Steelers
The Chiefs are at a crossroads. Not in regards to trying to get into the playoffs. That ship sailed long ago. I’m talking about getting the fans excited again. Matt Cassel has replaced replacement quarterback Brady Quinn, who hadn’t played since leaving the Browns in 2009. If this is really so bad, why not give 3rd-stringer Rickey Stanzi a shot? Kansas City got excited about Tyler Palko last year, even if it was just because they were hearing a new, weird name.
LINE: Steelers by 12
Patrick Emmel is a football fan who began the manly pilgrimage of seeing an NFL game at every stadium two years ago. This year, he’s going to Philly, and maybe even Tampa if he’s unlucky. You can see more of his work at www.theineptowl.com or heckle him on Twitter @Patrick_AE.
Patrick previously used his football knowledge to break down the best, worst and downright horrible draft picks in NFL history.
If you haven’t had enough NFL jokes, you can check out last week’s Asinine Analysis! —>