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Proven by Alcohol! The Best Bond Actor Is…

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Grab a shaker for science!

Grab a shaker for science!

biosize Luke McKinney
Luke McKinney writes about games, drink, science, and everything else...
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Bond’s drink is the Vodka Martini, shaken, not stirred. Which is weird, because it couldn’t be a worse drink for secret agents if it was a paralyzing surrender potion. The Vodka Martini sucks: it’s a soulless copy of the real thing, replacing sophisticated balance with flavorless tractor fuel. So we’re putting the Q in liquids by researching the perfect drinks for each secret agent.

Connery

Godfather

  • 2 oz scotch
  • 1 oz amaretto

Shake with ice, serve itumbler on the rocks

seanconnery Proven by Alcohol! The Best Bond Actor Is...

This was what you thought when you heard “James Bond.”

The Godfather is ridiculously, undeniably Scotch, which is the main thing Connery brought to the ultimate British secret agent. And every other role. We’re not sure which remote Celtic clan produces English international spies, alien immortal swordsmen, and Russians in charge of nuclear submarines, apart from “the one you absolutely don’t want to mess with.”

redoctober Proven by Alcohol! The Best Bond Actor Is...

“I have nuclear missiles, sho if I shay I’m Russhan, I’M RUSSHAN.”

Amaretto adds a touch of sweetness without reducing the strength, just like tossing out a casual one-liner after brutally killing people. Amaretto is also nuts, just like someone who tosses out casual one-liners after brutally killing people. Most people miss that James Bond is an absolute psychopath. The 00-program isn’t an intelligence rank, it’s a work-release program for mass murderers who can’t be held in prison without it exploding. The result is rugged and powerful looking, but remains accessible to the ladies, and if you spend a night with it it’ll make you feel wonderful – until the next day when it’s gone and you feel like you’re dead. If it was any more exactly like Bond it would be served in a little tuxedo.

Lazenby

Cosmopolitan

  • 1 ½ oz vodka (citron or other flavors as desired)
  • 1 ½ oz Cointreau
  • 1 oz lime juice
  • dash cranberry juice

Shake and serve in Martini glass.

The Cosmopolitan was created by bartenders sick of mixing Martinis for people who just wanted to look fancy with the glass. The result was a drink poured into the same vessel, and popular with the ladies, but it was a shallow imitation with none of the class of the real thing. Which makes it the Lazenby.

lazenby Proven by Alcohol! The Best Bond Actor Is...

And he must accept some responsibility for the Austin Powers franchise

His Bond betrayed betrayed human weaknesses, was capable of making mistakes, fell in love, got married, and even suffered romantic tragedy when his wife was murdered.

lazenby crying Proven by Alcohol! The Best Bond Actor Is...

She’s dead because you weren’t Bond enough to save her.

We’re sure the cast of Sex & the City would have been all over him. Possibly simultaneously. But Bond fans left On Her Majesty’s Secret Service expecting to see him chasing the murderers down the street in the real world, because there’s no way a Bond movie ends with him weeping over into his dead bride’s lacey veil. That’s meant to happen at the start of the movie to justify the next fifty explosions.

Moore

Liquid Cocaine

Equal parts:

  • Goldschlager
  • Jagermeister
  • (and optional Bacardi Rum 151)

Serve over ice.

moore Proven by Alcohol! The Best Bond Actor Is...

“You want me to play Bond again? I’m 58!”

Roger Moore was a joke of a Bond. Literally: he was hired as a parody by sketch show Mainly Millicent nine years before Eon hired him as the real thing. He was great fun, and had some good jokes, but put all his points into smug one-liners instead of anything else to do with being Bond at all. The result was an elite secret agent with all the combat ability of his own back brace, who had life-or-death battles on zambonis and when action star Roger Moore shot down a deadly plant-bomb about to exterminate the Earth with a laser-armed space shuttle, the most unbelievable part of that sentence was “action star Roger Moore.” In Octopussy he turned Bond into a clown. Which at least proves the scriptwriters know what analogies are.

mooreclown Proven by Alcohol! The Best Bond Actor Is...

Pictured: The Roger Moore era.

He was chosen for stupid fun and a ridiculous gimmick, which makes him Goldschlager. Jagermeister adds the regrettable memories of doing things far later and longer than you should. But both are still a lot of fun, and it’s hard to resist a Liquid Cocaine or a Moore movie when you have the chance. We recommend combining them for best effect.

Dalton

Jet Black

  • 1 ½ oz gin
  • 2 teaspoons (⅓ oz) sweet vermouth
  • 1 teaspon Black Sambuca

Stir (or shake, if you must) and serve in chilled Martini glass.

dalton Proven by Alcohol! The Best Bond Actor Is...

Alright! Back to what works!

Timothy Dalton was a genuine British Bond, so we start with the genuine gin base, the true heart of the Martini. Then we make it dark. Dalton was the evil Bond, the first 00-agent to acknowledge that maybe a man who can’t even go on holiday without killing twenty people might not be entirely stable. He’s also the only Bond to commit murder: In Licence to Kill his eponymous official status is revoked, but it turns out that the government saying “stop murdering” doesn’t magically flip a switch in his Bond’s head from “kill everyone” to “any other problem-solving strategy at all.”

The Jet Black is a dark Martini alternate. The switch to sweet from dry vermouth brings across a darker, fuller character than Roger Moore’s cardboard cut-out grin, while a touch of Black Sambuca is the best representation of Bond #4. It’s powerful, dark, and utterly polarizing: some people can’t stand it while others love the strength of character.

Brosnan

Martini

  • 2 ½ oz gin
  • ½ oz dry vermouth
  • Olive or lemon twist

Stir and serve in chilled Martini glass. (No, you don’t shake.)

brosnan Proven by Alcohol! The Best Bond Actor Is...

The only Bond with a good video game.

The authentic item, the icon of everything cocktails and Bond ever wanted to be: classy, powerful, and enjoyed all over the world. No matter which Bond you prefer you have to admit that Brosnan has every ingredient of a classic. He’s the Martini. The real thing. No weak vodka imitation here. Smooth and sophisticated, but if you do too many it gets a bit silly towards the end..

surfing Proven by Alcohol! The Best Bond Actor Is...

We’ve all had nights that felt like this, but then we get to the urinal.

But if you think about it, an invisible car would be a great way to make sure no-one can drink and drive.

invisible car Proven by Alcohol! The Best Bond Actor Is...

Note: if your car looks like this, don’t drive it. Double-note: if your car is inside a subway station, it’s too late.

Daniel Craig

Manhattan

  • 2 oz bourbon
  • ¾ oz sweet vermouth
  • 2-3 dashes bitters

(No, I will NOT list the stupid cherry. That’s not an ingredient.)

craig Proven by Alcohol! The Best Bond Actor Is...

“I said NO cherry.”

The Manhattan is the Martini of whiskey: the same classic structure built around a more powerful base ingredient. Which makes it Daniel Craig. Brosnan’s gin is carefully crafted elegance. Craig’s bourbon is raw power with an elegant covering to help it get the job done. His Bond is a cricket bat wrapped in gift paper from Harrod’s: undeniably English, and will absolutely destroy anything it’s used against. I’ve said before that the Manhattan is the greatest cocktail in the world, a combination of barely-restrained power, class, and a range of mission-specific refinements. The Bond of mixology.

craigbattered Proven by Alcohol! The Best Bond Actor Is...

Eon Productions
My point.

There’s been some controversy about him drinking beer in Skyfall, but that fits with the character. Craig’s Bond would drink gasoline if it meant he could kill an enemy by pissing on him later, and the only effect on him would be telling Q he doesn’t need to build flamethrowers any more.


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archer poster Proven by Alcohol! The Best Bond Actor Is...

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Booze and Man Cave previously outlined the world of espionage for you with The Cast of Archer Explained by Alcohol, and further explained which Sons of Anarchy Characters Are College Football Teams.

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