Balance Your Party for an Epic Night Out

by Steve Stevenson

Fellowship. Adventure. Booze. The three sacred elements of a Good Time. As the winter nights draw in, and the desire to party becomes a veritable call to arms, you’ll find yourself venturing once more into the wilds of clubland. As a wise man once said, it is dangerous to go alone, so before you don your Cloak Of Increased Sexiness, remember to choose your drinking buddies well. After all, the difference between a good night out and a great night out is the company you keep; and as every ill-shaven nerd knows, a balanced party is the key to a successful adventure. Here are a few characters that every adventurer needs by his side on an epic night out.

The Warrior

thisissupersizesparta thinkstock Balance Your Party for an Epic Night Out

This is madness, if you’re doing it right.

The Warrior is the lifeblood of any party. He’s first at the bar, first on the dance-floor, and the first to move things along if the evening’s going stale. If there’s a weird cocktail or shooter on offer, he’ll have bought a round before you can say “Man that looks like somebody pureed a lizard and then… oh my god you’re drinking it.”

He’s the most likely to strip off at some point, and when everybody else is crashed out on the couch at the end of the night, the Warrior will be hanging out by the stereo, mumbling something about how “You guys just need to give Falco a chance.”

Every party needs a Warrior to get behind.

Party Bonus:
  • +1 to Alcohol Resistance
  • +2 to Morale
Battle Cry:

“Warrior needs booze–badly!”

Be Careful How You Roll:

It doesn’t take a lot to turn your affable tank into a Shirtless Berserker. And as any true adventurer knows, the deployment of a berserker rarely ends well.

The Tracker

tracker thinkstock Balance Your Party for an Epic Night Out

You should probably convince her to leave the knife at home. Unless you live in Glasgow or something.

An essential element to any drunken excursion. The Tracker knows the territory like the back of her hand; she can tell you what bars are near, what time they close, what the booze is like and how much it costs. While the rest of your party are busy trying to remember what town they’re in, the Tracker will navigate you through the streets with commando-like precision, avoiding the hives of scum and villainy (unless that’s what you’re into).

A truly great Tracker isn’t just a product of her environment. If your party somehow winds up lost in the backstreets of Singapore (statistically bound to happen) the Tracker will have you at the nearest T.G.I.Fridays before you can say “Jell-O shots.”

Party Bonus:
  • +10% Detect Trap
  • +10% Detect Secret
Battle Cry:

“I have spoken with the natives. There is an all-night tequila bar above a Mexican restaurant which is *sniff sniff* three blocks away.”

“I tell you, brother, the women in this bar are not women.”

Be Careful How You Roll:

You’ll be placing a lot of trust in your Tracker, so make sure that your expectations of a good time are on similar grounds. If your idea of a wild night is a mechanical bull and your Tracker’s is the final scenes from The Deer Hunter, then somebody’s going to be disappointed. Or killed.

The Babysitter

babysitter thinkstock Balance Your Party for an Epic Night Out

Basically, your Ed Helms character.

We can’t all be devil-may-care swashbucklers. Some of us are at their best when playing defensively. This Paladin-like worrier may not seem like the sexiest of characters, but when the rest of your party are too far gone to remember the difference between decent and indecent exposure, the Babysitter is the man of the hour. He’ll steer you clear of trouble and he’ll get you home safe, and all he’ll ask in return is for god’s sake don’t throw up in the car.

A true Babysitter isn’t just defined by his diplomacy and levelheadedness, but by his heart. He’ll never leave a man behind, no matter how pants-less and belligerent that man may be.

Party Bonus:
  • +2 to Wisdom
  • +10% to Avoid Hostile Encounters
Battle Cry:

“Don’t worry about him, Officer, he’s just got low blood-sugar.”

“Sorry about that, sir, but where he comes from throwing up on a guys shoes is considered a mark of respect.”

Be Careful How You Roll:

Typically, a Babysitter is just as likely to have a good time as the rest of your party, but a slight mis-rolling of stats can quickly turn your dependable stalwart into Captain Buzzkill. And nobody likes Captain Buzzkill. Not even his brother Corporal Not-Going-Out-Tonight.

The Ladies’ Man

rogue thinkstock Balance Your Party for an Epic Night Out

“I’ve only ONE arrow for YOUR quiver, m’ladAARAGHH she maced me.”

A dashing rogue with a winning smile and a silver tongue. Its the responsibility of The Ladies’ Man to provide a bridge of translation between all-female parties and your own band of misfits, who have likely been communicating entirely in high-fives and farts for the last few hours. Naturally smoother than oiled teflon, a good Ladies’ Man takes pride in enlivening the night by talking-up his goofy buddies to women who, ordinarily, wouldn’t give them a second look.

Party Bonus:
  • +2 to Charm
  • +10% to Engage Random Encounters
Battle Cry:

“Say, have you met my friend? He’s a doctor and a lawyer.”

“Wedding ring? No, ma’am that’s a mood ring. And my mood is handsome.”

Be Careful How You Roll:

Keep a sharp eye on the alignment of your Ladies’ Man, lest he reveal himself as a Letch. Nobody wants a Letch on their team, because there’s a distinct difference between Harmless Flirtation and Being Sprayed With Mace.

The Intellect

wizard thinkstock Balance Your Party for an Epic Night Out

“This? No, this isn’t a wedding ring.”

Due to his diminutive stature and lack of pectoral girth, The Intellect has developed other means of slaying orcs socially interacting. His encyclopedic knowledge can turn a typical drunken conversation into the stuff of epoch, and his quick-fire whit is the first line of defense against other parties trying to harsh your well-deserved buzz. Party without the Intellect, and you party at your peril.

There seems to be a modern line of thinking that The Intellect can be just as easily replaced by The Douche With A Smartphone. You surely don’t need Man Cave to tell you that $#!+ don’t fly.

Party Bonus:
  • +10% Defense Against Mind Attacks
  • +2 to Intelligence
Battle Cry:

“Well, actually…”

“No, no, that’s a common misconception…”

Be Careful How You Roll:

With great power comes great temptation to misuse that power–be careful your Intellect doesn’t slope down to Smart Ass. There might not be a lot of difference on cursory examination, but put it this way: who do you want to hang with, the plucky hero saying “How d’ya like dem apples?” or the bully who isn’t liking dem apples one bit?

The Dark One

rogue thinkstock1 Balance Your Party for an Epic Night Out

Pete Campbell’s trying a little too hard to mimic Don Draper’s dark side.

He may seem like just an ordinary reveler, but the Dark One has a past so checkered that royalty keep trying to fight on him. He’ll spend the evening perfectly innocuous, until a very specific set of circumstances require somebody to hot-wire a car, break into a house, or blackmail a police chief.

When your bachelor party somehow winds up embroiled in a deadly terrorist plot (statistically bound to happen) the Dark One will casually mention his years as a mercenary in the Congo before using a beer bottle, a disposable lighter and a rubber band to fashion a working assault rifle.

Party Bonus:
  • +10% to Pick Lock
  • +3 to Skill
Battle Cry:

“I did some stuff once. You know. Stuff”

Be Careful How Your Roll:

True Dark Ones are comparatively rare, and you’ll have to be careful that you haven’t cast a humble Bull$#!++er instead. An easy way to spot if your man has the right stuff is the Inverse Law of  Badass, in which the more a person talks about their badassness, the less likely they are to be telling the whole truth. This can prove disastrous when Chad somehow gets a bottle of whiskey jammed in his ass and your supposed Dark One reveals that his years as a paramedic were actually just an enthusiasm for watching back to back episodes of Grey’s Anatomy.


balance thinkstock Balance Your Party for an Epic Night Out

And that’ll be a pretty swell time.

It is both the prerogative and privilege of a man to seek adventure. To quest for no other reason than the simple truth of questing; to find his own treasures, his own perils, to weave his own epic poem. He’ll slay his dragons, pledge his honor to a maiden fair, and if he is lucky it will be his privilege indeed to surround himself with heroes. So next time you find yourself at a bar with your closest comrades, be sure to raise a glass to friendship. Unless you’re drinking with Hobbits. Those rough bastards can’t handle their booze.



Steve Stevenson is an NPC who likes to hang out in the street saying the same sentences over and over. You can follow him on twitter, but as you can imagine it gets a little repetitive…

If your adventure gets a little out of hand, you might want to equip yourself with The Five Worst Things About Your Hangover

More from Steve Wetherell

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