15 Weird Search Terms You Used to Get Here

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This is what the collective, horny, moustache-growing consciousness of the internet looks like.

This is what the collective, horny, moustache-growing consciousness of the internet looks like.

100_0672 Luis Prada
Luis Prada’s a columnist for Cracked, and his work can also be found...
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by Luis Prada

Whenever you enter words into a search engine and then click on one of the results, the site you clicked on records that data so that we, the people who run that site, can see how others are finding our site so we can write anywhere between 5 to 25 articles about that subject. (We’re a shameful pack of hackneyed pricks.)

We get to see the exact search terms you used to make your way here. This information gets compiled in to a series of lists that we stare at in astonishment as we try to figure out what kind of weirdos are searching for these things.

Here are just some of the search terms people have used to find their way here, to Man Cave Daily. Are you one of these weirdos?

Sexy Writing

Sure, we may post some pictures of scantily clad women from time to time, but our prose doesn’t–or, rather, should not–conjure up a boner. Unless you’re one of the few people who isn’t lying when they say a sense of humor is most important when searching for a lover. If that’s the case, then please, boner-away.

Probably led to:

 15 Weird Search Terms You Used to Get HereSexy Scribes: 11 Beautiful Writers « Man Cave Daily

Reasons to grow a mustache

The people searching this already asked all of their friends the very same question to gauge their responses, and in return got a lot of “You’ll look like a rapist” and not the “You’ll look like a god” they were hoping for.

Probably led to:

 15 Weird Search Terms You Used to Get HereTop 5 Reasons To Grow A Mustache

Wearing pajamas to work for Halloween

If you ever catch this in a co-worker’s search history, do everything in your power to get them fired. All they’re doing by searching these terms is proving how little of a s*** they give anything fun.

Probably led to:

What Your Office Halloween Party Costume Says about You

Seals lead follow

Hey, some people just want to take over the world, and they want to do it with seals. Every world domination plan starts with a Google search about the leadership and command-obeying qualities of sea mammals.

Probably led to: 15 Weird Search Terms You Used to Get Here

The Navy SEALs: Ready To Lead, Ready To Follow, Never Quit 

resident evil monster sex

This, oddly enough, is one of the more commonly typed search terms used to find MCD. We don’t know what it means, exactly, but you can fully expect a recurring Hentai article on this site starring monsters from the Resident Evil videogame series.

We know how to exploit gaping holes in the market, just as Resident Evil monsters know how to exploit gaping holes in each other.

Probably led to:

 15 Weird Search Terms You Used to Get Here
The 5 Worst Monsters In Resident Evil

or

The Worst Resident Evil Movie Ever Made

صور ساشا غراى

sashagrey valerie maconstringergetty images 15 Weird Search Terms You Used to Get Here

Sadly, not in the way she used to unite men

The language above is Arabic. If you run this through Google Translate you get “Photo Sasha Grey”.  I suspect Ms. Grey is going to be the force that unites east and west at long last.

Probably led to:

 15 Weird Search Terms You Used to Get Here

Sasha Grey Photo Gallery 11-17-11

how to celebrate national toilet paper day

Lonely is the person struggling to generate ideas about how to celebrate wads of paper that we rub across our buttholes.

Probably led to:

Celebrating National Toilet Paper Day

Brony Cosplay Steampunk

Whoever searched these terms accidentally ripped open a portal in the internet that bridged the corporeal world with the Demon Planes. Never, ever search those words in any combination lest your monster slaying skills are up to snuff.

Probably led to:

 15 Weird Search Terms You Used to Get HereParty like a Has-Bro

feel undeserving of love

This isn’t a question; it’s a statement. The people who type this into Google aren’t trying to find advice about how to handle such feelings. They’re demanding that Google acknowledge that it is loved, but not feel said love. They’re trying to put an anti-love hex on Google.

Probably led to:

 15 Weird Search Terms You Used to Get Here
Love

dos and don’t of facial

This is can be found on the search histories of many first-time porn actresses.

Probably led to:

 15 Weird Search Terms You Used to Get Here

Do’s And Don’t Of Facial Hair

how to tell if your professor is into you

If we wanted to cut down on the number of dimwitted jackasses who somehow excel in life despite being dimwitted jackasses, we should track down the people who have typed this into search engines and banish them from society. Or at least force them to receive operations that make them ugly, then train them to be professors so they may know what it feels like to be a teacher people have to respect and not want to bang.

Probably led to:

 15 Weird Search Terms You Used to Get HereThings Your Teacher Wants You To Know

gif of the guy with his d**k in a pizza

This kind of search, like many on this list, is the internet equivalent of an impulse purchase of a candy bar in the grocery store checkout lane. You didn’t want a candy bar when you entered the lane, but all of the candy bars surrounding you not-so-subtly suggested that you get one. One minute the people who searched this specific set of words didn’t want to re-watch the GIF of the guy with his d**k in a pizza, but then they saw a pizza, or a d**k, and were suddenly overcome with a desire to dig through the archives of the internet to find this golden idol created in reverence of the time genitals made first contact with Italian cuisine.

Probably led to: 15 Weird Search Terms You Used to Get Here

GIF Life Lessons, Part III

how to be bad boy

Step #1: Google it.

Step #2: Read a list of steps created by some dude in Iowa or some other equally dull, personality-devoid s***hole, who saw “How to be a bad boy” on a list of most searched search terms and wrote a guide while he was half asleep, struggling to fight off a double shot of NyQuil.

Step #3: Follow the list exactly, never once deviating.

Step #4: Feel deep isolation and shame when your freshly manufactured personality is fully exposed as a sham by the people around you who just want you to be a genuine human.

Step #5: Get all the women.

Probably led to:

 15 Weird Search Terms You Used to Get Here

How to Be A Badder Bad Boy

i don’t like amusement parks

This is what it looks like when someone tries to start a conversation with the internet, and then stares at their computer for a good hour unblinking with friendly yet robotic smirk waiting for a response that will never come.

Probably led to:

5 Terrible Things Theme Parks Make You Realize about Humanity 

how often should dog urinate

This was probably typed calmly, in a matter-of-fact manner, as in the background two or three other people attempted to put a clamp on the penis of a dog that was firing out an almost supernatural torrent of piss on to everything. The person conducting the search then moved their lips as they silently read one of the results, before turning to their friends and saying, “Guys…the internet says it shouldn’t be this much.”

Probably led to: 15 Weird Search Terms You Used to Get Here

Good Dog


"There be weird, freaky crap ahead!"

“The map says there’s a lot freaky crap over that hill.”

Luis Prada’s work can be found on Cracked, FunnyCrave, The Smoking Jacket, and GuySpeed. If you visit his Tumblr page, The Devil Wears Me, he will give you a non-refundable virtual hug.

The only good use for all the hot air on Yahoo! Answers

This is the only good use for all the hot air on Yahoo! Answers

Luis hazarded some weird search results himself with The Search Engine Obstacle Course, and mocked more internet freakery in Yahoo! Answers: Ask A Stupid Question Day Edition

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