If you haven’t seen “Surprise!” — the Guy Ritchie-directed ad for today’s release of the latest Call of Duty, a.k.a. Black Ops II, a.k.a. Yes Yes Yes Kickass The Best F***ing Game Ever – you haven’t seen Robert Downey Jr. in a jet cockpit cracking wise (presumably that’s a Stark Industries fighter plane, since Iron Man cameos at 0:08). You also haven’t seen FPSRussia, Jack Black, and uh…a gal on a horse (a horse?) all set to AC/DC (what else? “Back in Black”), and including a callout to the king of all zombie shotgun-slays, Ash Williams.
The game shuttles across the timeline to hand your itchy trigger finger not only today’s futuristic weaponry, but tomorrow’s. Its comprehensive arsenal is a joygasm for those of us who enjoy blowing up our friends, but we’re willing to bet it doesn’t have these:
Laser pistol: Since the dawn of Science, man has dreamed of one thing, and one thing only: turning lead into gold. But since the dawn of Economics, man realized that would collapse the global economy, and in the aftermath of what was once civilization, man would dream only of a pistol that could slice instantly through everything it touches. Cut a building in half with a wave of your wrist, and watch it slide down on top of a tank? Yeah, that’s what this humanity thing is all about.
Bowel disruptor: Transmetropolitan‘s non-lethal incapacitator would be the greatest weapon ever! Fire a soundwave at your opponent’s guts that gives him instant diarrhea, and watch the badass super-soldier running at you suddenly clutch his belly and writhe on the ground, liquid poop sloshing out of his boots. Because a game for the ten-year-old in all of us deserves a weapon for the five-year-old in all of us. On the plus side for the vicim, nobody would ever teabag your corpse again.
Hamster cannon: Look, we don’t know a lot about the non-Call of Duty parts of this world. Maybe this already exists; we don’t know. But one thing’s for certain: no body armor can protect you from the trauma of being pelted with adorable, high-velocity hamsters. A hailstorm of furry friends pelting against your space-age plastic breastplate would break even the strongest psyche, leaving only a street full of weeping riot cops lamenting this horrible future.
Weaponized dragonfly drones: Oh, there are drones. We know that. But we don’t want to live in a future where extant dragonfly camera drone robots (and that is a real phrase, you guys!) haven’t been outfitted with tiny, tiny guns. Perhaps lasers? And if that’s the future Black Ops II puts us in, we’ll…we’ll kill ourselves, is what we’ll do! Just not by dragonfly (sad face).