Garbage Time: The Election in Review
Sometimes you can only truly see stupidity in retrospect. When you’re living in the moment, you’ll be so clouded by stupidity that it’s hard to tell the forest from the trees. You need to step back after some time has passed and reassess with fresh eyes.
The presidential elections are over now, and as I look back I’ve noticed something that I’ve sort of picked up on in past election years but could never qualify, until now. There’s a phrase used in football that perfectly describes the weeks between the presidential debates and the election: Garbage Time. It’s that time at the end of the game when nothing matters and all the truly important stuff that decides the winner has already happened.
After the debates end and all that can be said has been said, that’s the time the BS news stories reign supreme and take over the media’s coverage of a presidential election. BS like…
“Forward.” Becomes “Forward!”
The slogan for the Obama campaign used to be “Forward.” Now it’s “Forward!” It took months for them to realize that if your message is “Let’s keep going,” a period is probably isn’t the best punctuation mark to use.
The media then turned to dissecting the implementation of an exclamation point. The New York Times started writing an article about the change, but after 184 words you can see the point the author opened his desk drawer and stared at a revolver.
“This of course is already devoting more time to a punctuation mark than it probably deserves.”
The guy then looked at a picture of his family, closed the drawer, and then wrote an additional 231 words about other times candidates used exclamation points in slogans.
The Washington Times ran a “satirical” piece about the change from the point of view of an idiotic female voter.
“Until now, Barack Obama tried just about everything to win my vote! Free stuff! The Lily Ledbetter Act, that gives me more time to sue my boss for discriminating against me! More free stuff!”
You know what’s just ripe for parody and has everything to do with the most minor of slogan alterations? A group of historically disenfranchised people fighting discrimination. It’s a real knee-slapper, that one!
During election season, the media pounces whenever someone gets a political tattoo, hoping to imply that if there’s one person that fanatically dedicated, there have to be tons more. Recently, an independent pro-wrestler got Mitt Romney’s “R” logo permanently etched on his face after a $15,000 eBay bid. For his troubles, he was called an idiot by the L.A. Times, which is our job, not theirs.
No news outlet cared to point out that someone getting a political tattoo isn’t new or shocking. In 2008, Obama cropped up on people’s flesh. So did Ron Paul’s face. And Hilary Clinton’s. The 2008 campaign will be looked back upon as the start of a time when it became “cool” to have political crap forever drawn on your body. Case in point: earlier this year, Miley Cyrus and her fiancé Thor Jr. got tattoos of a speech given by Teddy Roosevelt. Suddenly the guy with a Romney tat on his face looks like he’s trying to catch up with everyone from 2008 and, even sadder, Hannah Montana.
And in case you were wondering, the wrestler with the Romney tattoo is “Totally disappointed, man” by the result of the election.
We Turn To Animals To Pick Our President
This election Garbage Time saw squirrels, prairie dogs, and cockroaches making predictions about this election. There was even a guy in Long Island who owns a company that collects dog s**t who claims most of the dog s**t he’s collected looks like Mitt Romney. Therefore, Romney is crappier than Obama, and he used this s***ty metric to predict a Romney victory.
If a musk ox chose Ron Paul every four years everyone would think that musk ox was a f**king idiot. But you know who’s smart? That S**t Whisperer who claims dog anuses have correctly predicted the outcomes of the past 3 elections. And also those people who race roaches, who claim to have an 84% rate of prediction dating back 16 years.
Sure, the animals are barely aware they’re alive, but setting that minor detail aside lets us all pretend the animal kingdom has caught wind of mystical coded messages in the air and the only way we can tap in to their innate precognitive ability is to huddle around a dog’s asshole and wait for a steaming pile of prediction plop out like it’s an old timey news ticker pumping out poll results.
Cast your vote for best Luis Prada article: 5 Things Your Political Leaning Says About You or 3 Fictional Things the Government Had to Tell Us Weren’t Real.