Asinine Analysis: NFL Week 11
Week 10 in the NFL went by with a mediocre 8-6 record and mediocre activity for jokes. Well, that’s not entirely true. The Chiefs, Eagles, Jets, and Raiders are still the most fun teams to watch on account of their similarities with the Bad News Bears.
Week 11 promises to bring even more insanity and jokes to the field.
Thursday, November 15th, 2012
Miami Dolphins @ Buffalo Bills
Week 10 was a big surprise for both the Dolphins and the Bills. For the Dolphins, it was having their high-ranking run defense dropped down to mediocre after waking up the Titans’ Chris Johnson for a game and showing Tannehill’s “Mr. Hyde” side. For the Bills, it was coming, literally, a throw away from beating the Patriots at home. What does all of this mean this week? Absolutely nothing. Neither team is making the playoffs. As of now, they’re both just fighting for last place in the AFC East with the Jets.
LINE: Bills by 1
Sunday, November 18th, 2012
Arizona Cardinals @ Atlanta Falcons
The undefeated Falcons were finally defeated last week, which means one, important thing: sports analysts can stop talking about how the Falcons are undefeated and start talking about the games. Unfortunately, playing the Cardinals means that, most likely, sports analysts will now be talking about how the Falcons could have been creeping up on 10-0 if only they had gotten past the Saints. The Cardinals, meanwhile, are one of the only teams that were helped by the Rams/49ers tie, as they are still in contention to make a mess of the NFC West and win the division. I’m not holding my breath, but crazier things have happened this season.
LINE: Falcons by 10
Cleveland Browns @ Dallas Cowboys
Last week, Tony Romo and his Funky Bunch played their hearts out to show that they are not the most inept football team in the NFC East. That honor went to the offense of the Eagles, before and after Michael Vick was knocked out of the game. The Cowboys now host the Browns, who have been barely exceeding expectations thanks to a rookie season from Trent Richardson that, on a better team, could be considered MVP-eligible. What is the year line for this guy to be the 2nd Browns running back on a Madden cover?
LINE: Cowboys by 8
Green Bay Packers @ Detroit Lions
The Packers, on a good day, would usually be more favored, especially after a bye week. Unfortunately, their injury list is almost as long as their roster. This would mean something against a better team, but the Packers are playing the Lions, who will probably surprise us all and win because that’s what the team does constantly and torturously, win when they aren’t supposed to and lose when they aren’t supposed to.
LINE: Packers by 4
Cincinnati Bengals @ Kansas City Chiefs
Surprisingly, both the Bengals and Chiefs are coming off of above-par weeks. The Bengals defeated the favored Giants, while the Chiefs gained their first lead in a game all season. Yes, the Chiefs didn’t actually win against the Steelers, but to lead, with points, with Matt Cassel has to be considered a moral victory that will entice the future #1 draft pick to sign with them and not go back to college for another year. As if that would make a difference.
LINE: Bengals by 4
New York Jets @ St. Louis Rams
There is no team in the NFL that will gain more from the injury to Ben Roethlisberger than the New York Jets. This leads to the possibility that, even at 3-6, they have a chance to take a wildcard berth if a thousand different miraculous things happened. Now the signing of Tim Tebow truly becomes clear. Meanwhile, the Rams became the first team to help their cause with a tie, especially when the world believed they would get drubbed last week by the 49ers.
LINE: Rams by 4
Philadelphia Eagles @ Washington Redskins
Normally, this would be a lackluster match-up in the NFC East. The Eagles would be in the running for the division while the Redskins played the part of a tackle dummy all season. Now the Redskins are surprisingly at the bottom, considering the hype around RG3 and the continual turnovers by the Eagles offense. The battle to decide last place, Round 1, begins in Washington D.C. Or, somewhere around it.
LINE: Redskins by 4
Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Carolina Panthers
Silently, amid much ridicule, the Buccaneers have been steering themselves in the direction of a wildcard berth. This hope, of course, means that Bucs fans are setting themselves up for disappointment as they get ready to run the gauntlet of their season. Luckily, they still have time to get ready for that run as they play the Panthers this week, whose suggestion box has been stuffed for the past 3 weeks while Cam Newton has been playing himself in Madden 2013.
LINE: Buccaneers by 1
Jacksonville Jaguars @ Houston Texans
The battle for the #1 pick in 2013 continues for the Jaguars as the team continues its quest to figure out what position they need to fix. The only player position that is safe is running back, even though MJD is out. Luckily, the Jaguars play against the Texans this week, which means that the Jags won’t have to work too hard for the loss.
LINE: Texans by 16
New Orleans Saints @ Oakland Raiders
The Joe Vitt project seems to be working in New Orleans. This is good news, considering Sean Payton’s contract is still up for grabs. The tour to embarrass Aaron Kromer continues into Oakland, who may be shopping for Sean Payton themselves when this season is over, or sooner if Al Davis was still around.
LINE: Saints by 5
San Diego Chargers @ Denver Broncos
Poor Phillip Rivers. In past seasons, he only had to play against Peyton Manning once a year, twice if both teams were matched up in the playoffs. Now he has to play against Manning at least twice because they’re in the same division. This Manning trade has caused the Chargers to lose their top-tier spot in the AFC West, caused Rivers to lose the rest of his self-esteem, and could potentially cause Norv Turner to finally lose his job. What a difference one player, that isn’t even on your team, makes.
LINE: Broncos by 8
Indianapolis Colts @ New England Patriots
It’s hard to tell what the Patriots are doing. Everyone expects them to blow every team out ever since they went undefeated in the 2007 regular season. This season there have only been 2 blowouts, one against the Bills and one against the Rams. Now they play against an infant Colts team made up of players so young they didn’t know the Patriots had won a couple Super Bowls in the last decade.
LINE: Patriots by 10
Baltimore Ravens @ Pittsburgh Steelers
What do you get when your star quarterback is injured to make way for a former Jaguars quarterback who might as well aim with his hand when he throws the ball? You get a Steelers team who is contemplating pushing Big Ben onto the field until Mike Wallace catches a ball along with Roethlisberger’s arm. This is how close they are to the playoffs. This may be the closest they will be to the playoffs for awhile after this season. Then again, the same could have been said for the Ravens these past two seasons.
LINE: Ravens by 3
Monday, November 19th, 2012
Chicago Bears @ San Francisco 49ers
Surprisingly, the Chicago Bears were not blown out by the Texans last week. This may be due to Jay Cutler practicing stepping up after being flushed out of the pocket over and over again before that game, as it became as habitual as a 5-step drop. Unfortunately, that gimmick play didn’t lead to much, and now the 49ers will be able to protect against it. Or force it. Either way, it will be painful for Jay Cutler.
LINE: 49ers by 5
Patrick Emmel is a football fan who began the manly pilgrimage of seeing an NFL game at every stadium two years ago. This year, he’s going to Philly, and maybe even Tampa if he’s unlucky. You can see more of his work at www.theineptowl.com or heckle him on Twitter @Patrick_AE.
Patrick previously used his football knowledge to break down the best, worst and downright horrible draft picks in NFL history.
If you haven’t had enough NFL jokes, you can check out last week’s Asinine Analysis! —>