Reporting Brendan McGinley
According to The Daily Mail: hyperbole, made-up celebrity gossip, misreported fact, outright lie, and a couple of true but bizarre stories. We’re really hoping this tale is not one of the latter, but here we go.
A 50-year-old Thai man lost his genitals to cancer. Tragic, but life is full of awful twists, and at 50, you have to figure he had a good run. What’s that extra detail? Oh, he’d been injecting his penis with olive oil for years to make it bigger? Oh, well then let’s pause here for a deep, old-fashioned shriek.
This is a fairly regular procedure in Thailand, and by procedure, we mean “back alley clinic injecting your most personal area with oil, paraffin, or beeswax,” such that–
We’re sorry, would everyone please quiet the terrified wailing of your penises? Thank you.
Such that one hospital receives about 40 infected genitals a month. Obviously, because why take caution with your extremely tender bits that bring you so much joy? That’s one man day, every day, plus a buddy every third day, wandering in with infected penises. Cripes, whatever happened to embiggening your penis the old-fashioned way, by thinking about pretty naked dames?
This poor devil’s infection was cancerous, though it’s not established that the injection had anything to do with the cancer part. No, just your average, as-yet-unproven-cancerous penis injection.
And this isn’t even something proven to work. At its–and we use this word with all relativism–best, it will have the same effect as synthol, the ghastly liquid that makes the muscles appear bigger — though “bigger” is not exclusive to the further adjectives, “misshapen” and “tumorous.” Synthol is popular among bodybuilders who don’t want to do the work, but need a bigger physique to make up for their anxiety about their extremely small p–
Ahhhh, it all makes sense now.
Time to vote!