The Worst Part of This “Olive Oil-Injected Penis” Story…

According to The Daily Mail: hyperbole, made-up celebrity gossip, misreported fact, outright lie, and a couple of true but bizarre stories. We’re really hoping this tale is not one of the latter, but here we go.

A 50-year-old Thai man lost his genitals to cancer. Tragic, but life is full of awful twists, and at 50, you have to figure he had a good run. What’s that extra detail? Oh, he’d been injecting his penis with olive oil for years to make it bigger? Oh, well then let’s pause here for a deep, old-fashioned shriek.

This is a fairly regular procedure in Thailand, and by procedure, we mean “back alley clinic injecting your most personal area with oil, paraffin, or beeswax,” such that–

Such that–

We’re sorry, would everyone please quiet the terrified wailing of your penises? Thank you.

Such that one hospital receives about 40 infected genitals a month. Obviously, because why take caution with your extremely tender bits that bring you so much joy? That’s one man day, every day, plus a buddy every third day, wandering in with infected penises. Cripes, whatever happened to embiggening your penis the old-fashioned way, by thinking about pretty naked dames?

This poor devil’s infection was cancerous, though it’s not established that the injection had anything to do with the cancer part. No, just your average, as-yet-unproven-cancerous penis injection.

And this isn’t even something proven to work. At its–and we use this word with all relativism–best, it will have the same effect as synthol, the ghastly liquid that makes the muscles appear bigger — though “bigger” is not exclusive to the further adjectives, “misshapen” and “tumorous.” Synthol is popular among bodybuilders who don’t want to do the work, but need a bigger physique to make up for their anxiety about their extremely small p–

Ahhhh, it all makes sense now.

Time to vote!

For the person out there whose fantasy was indie zombie gangster comic-themed asscake play, today is YOUR DAY.

For the person out there whose fantasy was indie zombie gangster comic-themed asscake play, today is YOUR DAY.

Brendan McGinley used to love olive oil, but now…now…yeesh, this is gonna be tough. Sometimes he cuts wise on Twitter. Brendan once counted The 7 Most Agonizing Sex Injuries on Record

Chris Large/AMC

Dominique McElligott is really gorgeous.

…but made up for it by finding you A Burlesque Dancer Sitting on a Cake and 10 Beautiful Irish Actresses.

More from Brendan McGinley

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