How to Date (Like a Jerk)
Hello, there. If you are consulting this guide, then you want to learn how the socially awkward, oblivious, or simply neurotic individual might navigate the dating scene. If you are socially well-adjusted and had this nailed down since you were 13, get out of here. This place isn’t for you. You will find only darkness and terror here.
But if you’re finding yourself lurking in the shadows of parties, staring at the object of your affection and feeling pure dread at the thought of even speaking with them, your place is here with us.
With this guide at your disposal you’ll be awkwardly navigating the dating scene in no time; your gangly legs seemingly operating independently of each other, while having no idea what to do with your hands, you place both arms rigidly at your sides. And you’re wearing a fedora with a t-shirt. You son of a bitch.
–First step is to not even consider the possibility that you could get yourself into a long-term relationship. Reasons for this may include: appearance, lack of interests deemed “cool” by your peers, and/or crippling self-doubt. Stay indoors and play video games and watch movies with your fellow male buddies for a couple years.
–Don’t try and prepare by say, going out and being social with people anyway to develop your skills in the formative periods of your life. It may seem like this exact thing is what those early years are for, so simply utilize the aforementioned excuses reasons and then enter the fray after the “Indoorsy Period.”
–Next step is to stand in a corner at parties and other social gatherings and just stare for a while. Take long sips of your drink and immediately look away when the object of your ogling makes eye contact. Pretend you’re interested in something else, such as the carpet or tile patterns of the floor, or how great the inside of your cup is!
–Become incredibly quiet if/when they come over to speak with you and feign disinterest, because you’ve seen enough movies to know that real girls don’t want to date men who are interested in their lives. They want to date awesome guys who wear leather jackets and show a borderline sociopathic disinterest in the feelings, needs, and general well being of others. Try to Don Draper them, because he has sex, right?
–Now, do this for a couple years. Eventually, you’ll watch more current movies and realize that women – very attractive women – totally love man-children who show a lack of goals or direction and hang out with various combinations of people who know Judd Apatow. Play up that angle for a while. You could also try to put on other personalities, such as deep, introspective, emotional guy who writes poetry or songs or whatever. Girls seem to like that, especially when it’s coupled with sparkling and standing in their rooms at night, watching them sleep for a few months (Use glitter – not too much, though. Like ¼ of a pack).
–Need some date ideas? Retreat to comfort zones and choose innocuous things that no one can object to like dinner and a movie, because women love to feel incredibly safe. So safe that it feels like they are wearing helmets and are surrounded by a room of soft, fluffy pillows. Slightly more adventurous things like taking them to a concert or going out and exploring the town/city/quaint village you live in should be saved for later, or when you’ve ingested some liquid courage. Be sure to check all fire exits just in case; no one wants to get trampled by a terrified public on their first date.
–If they ask about a topic you are interested in, talk about it for a half hour straight. Because if they’re actually interested, why would they just want to grab the general gist of it to maybe figure out your interests and see if they match? If there’s silence and they look uncomfortable, keep talking. They just haven’t heard enough yet.
–Touch her hand slightly? Imagine your life together. Picture what it would be like to introduce her to your family. Fantasize about a gigantic wedding with all of your friends toasting you and your awesome dream-wife, who unconditionally loves you for whatever reason and cuddles with you a lot.
–If you manage to get a hug, keep that delicious fantasy going. The mental rewards you will get will make your brain just swell with happy good-feelings. Don’t worry about these heightened expectations coming down on you though, because you got this, buddy! Think of it, just her twirling through the midday sun near a small cottage as you chop firewood and have a terrific beard. I won’t even get into what you should do if you actually get a kiss. It gets a little weird.
Above all, remember to send about five texts the next day about how much you enjoyed your time with her, and that you absolutely want to see her again. For good measure, show up at her place of employment! She’ll love the surprise. Don’t worry if you don’t hear back for a few days, she’s just playing hard to get.
Patrick is a writer and comedian living in Chicago and is absolutely guilty of doing a few of these things in the past. If you have also done these things, it’s okay — there’s still time. But you’re being very creepy, so stop that. Read John Scalzi’s guide on how to be less creepy if you’re afraid you might be creeping on people. Then look at these silly drawings on Patrick’s Tumblr. You can also follow him on Twitter @fatfraud.