Who is that man in the nosebleeds? That dude with lungs of steel whose chanting is picked up by microphones only meant for the angelic chords of Joe Buck. The lad who somehow found enough body paint to cover his two-airplane-seat figure. The bro who doesn’t abide by last call because he’s never leaving. Ever. The most interesting man in the world? No. The most interesting man at the game? Maybe. A man nonetheless? Totally.
He prepares for the next game by never unpreparing from the game before. His jersey is gritty and smelly but out of love and years of tradition. And sweat. His cheesehead is literally growing cheese. His terrible towel is grotesquely terrible. People assume he is the New York Giant.
His car is his oasis. Littered with flags that have swayed through sun and wind and rain and snow and his own twenty-foot-tall freestanding flag poll hoisting a White House certified American flag so that his friends of Team Town can see him through their beer goggles and dirty Prius windows. Just kidding he isn’t friends with people who have a Prius. And he’d bring that flag to the moon–if he was allowed back on the moon.
His girlfriend is–Wait, he’s in love with his team with no time for puppy love. Except when it comes to the Animal Planet Super Bowl: The Puppy Bowl. He always routes for the labrador puppies. Always.
With lungs the size of the average male quadricep, his spit flies far and wide, made up of beer and excitement, and while not known at the time, it is an honor to be hit by such saliva. Wipe it off if you want, or be a part of history forever.
He doesn’t always drink beer, but when he does he drinks any beer he can find.
He’ll make you look good, he almost guarantees it.
And guess what, that Bud’s for him. But he didn’t pay for it. And he spilled it on you.
Here’s to you, guy in the nosebleeds!
Rachel Roderman is a writer and comedian based in Los Angeles by way of NJ. She wrote the webisode Coco & Ruby and contributes to HelloGiggles.com, both of which are the exact opposite of this website. Follow her on Twitter @rachelroderman.