How To Be Evil

by Dan Morgridge

It’s time to be be real, friend. You don’t remember anything you learned in that photography class. That yoga mat is probably thinner than the layer of dust on top of it. The most you’ve gotten out of your gym time is the ability to spread cream cheese on your morning bagel with extreme prejudice. Basically: your self-improvement isn’t quite living up to its name.

But what are you improving for? Firefighters, cops, lumberjacks, miners and the like – you guys are gold. But the rest of us? Why are we striving to become better everyday humdrums? Will one buff trilingual accountant who can cook a mean risotto really make a difference in the world? Nope…but a villain will.

beevil thinkstock How To Be Evil

The Britney Spears of Evil.

Let’s face it — superheroes don’t come into existence because there’s a bad zoning law on the books. And the best superheroes don’t come around for simple gang warfare or crooked politicians — no, a truly outlandish hero must be summoned by a truly outlandish villain. As such, one or more of us must make the noblest sacrifice of all: becoming a villain so that a hero might follow.

You’ll be reviled, of course. Hunted, sent to jail, and maybe even killed if the storyline gets all dark as years go on. But you’ll have made the world slightly more radical, you’ll make someone’s superhero dreams come true, and you’ll also get to enjoy the spoils of pure evil for a brief amount of time. WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR!?

Step One: You May Call Me…

Billy, Destroyer of Worlds! Actually, that’s terrible. Let’s figure out a new name for your evil identity. This handy tool will help you create a name, but remember – you might have a plucky superhero full of zingers who shortens it to something like “Doc Ock.” Ick. Choose carefully!

Step Two: Villainous Laugh

We’re not gonna lie, this is a pretty crowded field…top laughing villains are training earlier and earlier. But there’s still room for innovation!

Step Three: King of Diamonds

First things first, young supervillain-in-training. You’ll need to acquire some capital to start hiring henchmen, and you’ll also have to start building a mythos. Take two candies from one baby by cheating at cards! This would also probably be a great time to start working on super strength, because those first card cheat screw-ups will probably result in a few knuckle sandwich buffets.

Step Four: Putting the “Bad” in “Badass”

devil thinkstock How To Be Evil

Your more traditional Sexy Evil still gets results.

A little bit of moustache or goatee can instantly transform anyone from all-American do-gooder to pure evil. And really, we mean anyone.

Proper transportation is also a must. Flying high in style, very slowly? Or rolling along in futuristic decadence, very slowly? You’re probably better off just walking everywhere. Slowly.

And nobody wants a unkempt villain threatening the city in a t-shirt. Get a tie, and tie with panache. (Your knot skills will come in handy later when all those damsels need to be tied up on railroad tracks).

Congratulations! You’re now a supervillain. Now just go out and commit crime, dear readers! COMMIT CRIMES. Loot! Plunder! Steal from th-

(Editor’s Note: a team of sexy crime-fighting girls entered at this point and foiled the villainous plans of this article. We apologize for the lack of video.)

This could get costly

This could get costly.

Dan Morgridge would have gotten away with it, too.

If you've never seen Three Dev Adem, you've never been high

If you’ve never seen Three Dev Adem, you’ve never been high.

You’ll need Your Own Theme Music to go with that epic evil persona. Just watch out for those Real-Life Superheroes.

More from Dan Morgridge

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