5 Creepy Secret Squatters

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Although some people shouldn't be living anywhere.

Although some people shouldn’t be living anywhere.

100_0672 Luis Prada
Luis Prada’s a columnist for Cracked, and his work can also be found...
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I can’t speak from personal experience, but, man — being homeless must be, like, so crappy. For real, you guys. For real. For every few thousand hard-luck stories of homelessness out there, though, there seem to be a few success stories.

These aren’t those stories.

These are stories about people who found shelter with some pretty nefarious tactics. Some are creepy, others are creepy and impressive. No matter the nature of the story, the one through-line is that some people will put in a whole lot of time and effort into parking their asses on to someone else’s property, going entirely unnoticed for a long time.

May the creeping begin!

Teen Lived In AOL Offices For 2 Months

aolhide thinkstock 5 Creepy Secret Squatters

Proof that nobody pays any notice to interns.

Remember AOL? It was that internet thing you used before you realized how much it sucks when a robot voice screams at you about Email. AOL is still around but they should probably consider switching their services from an internet provider to a youth hostel for derelict teens hoping to be the next Mark Zuckerberg. That’s what 19-year-old Eric Simons did.

Eric was accepted into Imagine K12, a Sillicon Valley “incubator” for young tech visionaries that aims to change K-12 education through technology, based out of AOL’s Palo Alto campus. He wanted to design a system that allowed teachers to make better lesson plans so future students wouldn’t be as listless as he was in high school.

After 4 months, the program ended and Eric was back at square one, with no money, no home, and no tech start-up. But then he noticed something weird: the security badge he scanned to get into the building every day continued working after he was done with Imagine K12. So Eric did what we’re certain all homeless people eventually do – he lived in AOL.

Since he was a familiar face, no one told him to stop using the AOL gym and showers. No one smacked the turkey club out of his hands in the commissary and told him to get the f**k out because everyone assumed he was still working there. And he was…technically. During the day, Eric would hole up in his office and work, dead set on launching ClassConnect. By night, after everyone had left for the day, he slept on couches located in places he noticed security guards never patrolled. He could have squatted on a friend’s couch, but if you had the opportunity to take advantage of AOL, wouldn’t you seize it?

Eric lived in AOL’s office unnoticed for 2 months, until a building manager found him sleeping on a couch and revoked his badge. After all the extra work he put into ClassConnect, he managed to secure a $50,000 investment, which he partially used to rent a house in Palo Alto. Eric has since successfully launched ClassConnect and after his story hit the internet, investors started throwing money at him to help.

Homeless Woman In Tokyo Lived in a Man’s Tiny Cupboard

tinycupboard thinkstock 5 Creepy Secret Squatters

Isn’t that how The Grudge started?

When you live alone, your mind starts to play tricks on you. You get so lonely you begin to imagine voices or movements – anything that gives your home a sense of life other than your own.

The following story is not such a case.

In 2008, an unnamed man (let’s call him Steve) living in Fukuoka, Japan, noticed his food was mysteriously disappearing from his cupboards. Steve lived alone, so either his brain had created an elaborate Taylor Durdon-esque imaginary friend to give him something to investigate, or he was being repeatedly robbed.

After settling on the whole being robbed thing, Steve set up a security camera that was linked to his cell phone. Not long after that, he received images of a woman walking around his house when he was out. Steve called the police, and after a thorough search of the house, police found a woman, 58-year-old Tatsuko Horikawa, living in a tiny, rarely used cupboard. She had been living in his home, completely unnoticed, for over a year, occasionally popping out to help herself to Steve’s food.

A British Family Builds A Secret Castle Hidden Behind 40ft Hay Bales

castle thinkstock 5 Creepy Secret Squatters

We assume it had dragons because it’s in England.

Robert Fidler wanted to build an incredible four-bedroom Tudor-style castle — equipped with rampart, turrets, a cannon, and an entertainment center — for himself, and his wife and son, because he lived in England and, according to Robert, “They say an Englishman is entitled to have his castle.” Robert then preceded to take that maxim several thousand steps too far.

The only problem with Robert’s dream was that he didn’t have permission to do it; the land he wanted to build on was zoned for industrial purposes only. So, in true roguish medieval fashion, he built it anyway, hiding the construction behind 40ft-tall stacks of hay that surrounded the property.

After two years, the house was completed, and Fidler and his family moved in. They lived there for over 4 years, with not a single one his neighbors taking notice, and without a peep from the local government.

The entire time Robert and his family lived there, the thought of having done all of this illegally bugged him. After enough time had passed, Robert hoped to apply for a certificate of lawfulness, figuring that since the home had already been there for four years without a complaint from anyone it would be granted to him on the basis of a statute of limitations loop hole. So, for the first time since he started building, Robert pulled down the hay stacks and revealed his work to the world. (Good thing, too, because the hay was starting to rot away, revealing the house whether he wanted it or not).

Once word about the home got out, the town council ordered it to be demolished. Robert fought hard to keep his castle standing, eventually taking the case to England’s High Court, only to lose the case.

Guy Was Living In A Family’s Attic, Found Wearing Girl’s Pants

maniac thinkstock 5 Creepy Secret Squatters

“Hi, Stacy! Looking for the Christmas decorations? I moved them over there to make room for the kill station.”

Have you ever played Hide-and-Seek and had trouble finding someone, and then it turns out the person was hiding in the most obvious place all along? This story is like that, just with a lot more potential for murder and rape.

Stanley Carter was living with some friends in a duplex in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania. One day these “friends” told Stanley told get the f**k out of their home, so he did. But Stanley didn’t leave through the front door – he slithered his way through a trap door in the home which led to an attic that was shared by the occupants of the other half of the duplex.

For days, Stacy Ferrance, the owner of the other half of the duplex, noticed food and clothing had mysteriously disappeared from her home, and heard strange noises at odd hours of the day. She just chalked it up to her kids acting funny, and yes, there were kids in the house – three of them.

On Christmas day, roughly a week since Carter had secretly moved in, Ferrance noticed cash, a laptop, and an iPod had gone missing, and promptly informed the cops. Then, the very next day, she found footprints in her bedroom closet, where the trap door to the attic was located. She called the cops and Stanley was found by police dogs. When he came out, he was wearing pants that belonged to one of Ferrance’s daughter, presumably the ones with the word “Juicy” written across the ass. If that weren’t creepy enough, after he was arrested, cops found a list of all the items Stanley had stolen, written by Stanley himself. The title written on the list was “Stanley’s Christmas List.”

Guy Lived In Toys Я Us for 6 Months

nobodyshome thinkstock 5 Creepy Secret Squatters

The dollhouse is cramped, but you can’t beat the rent.

Jeffery Allen was wanted nationwide for a string of robberies — mostly hold ups of McDonald’s restaurants — that spanned America, from San Francisco to Massachusetts. He was eventually caught and sentenced to a 24-year prison stint. But Jeffery was no ordinary criminal. Jeffery was the kind of criminal a Hollywood producer finds the story of and turns it into a romantic comedy about a loveable crook. Strangely, that hasn’t happened yet, because the story of Jeffery’s criminal life already reads like a romantic-comedy, no embellishments or re-writes needed.

Jeffery landed a job in the prison’s metal shop and made a daring prison escape by hitching a ride underneath a delivery truck.  Once out and needing a place to stay, Jeffery broke into a Toys Я Us in North Carolina and lived in it for 6 months, first in a cubbyhole near the bicycles, then when Christmas rolled around and the store got busy he tunneled into an abandoned Circuit City that adjoined the Toys Я Us and created a comfy 2-store apartment for himself.

At night, when the Toys Я Us was closed, he raced R/C cars on the roof, watched a DVD copy of Spider-Man 2, rode bicycles around the store to stay fit, and he ate baby food. He even installed a smoke alarm for them out of the kindness of his heart. He left the store quite often, and this is where the romance comes in – Jeffery left often enough to go to church every Sunday, where he met Leigh Wainscott, the woman who soon became his girlfriend. Leigh had no idea Jeffery was living in a toy store or that he was a wanted criminal. When Christmas rolled around, Jeffery stole toys from the store and gave them to her kids and, as a part of the church’s outreach program, gave toys to needy families. He was eventually caught, but most people who encountered Jeffery, like Leigh and many of the McDonald’s employees he held up, agree on one thing about him: outside of the fact that he was a criminal, Jeffery was a really nice guy.


Metropolis warned us about this

Metropolis warned us about this.

Luis Prada’s work can be found on Cracked, FunnyCrave, The Smoking Jacket, and GuySpeed. If you visit his Tumblr page, The Devil Wears Me, he will give you a non-refundable virtual hug.

That is...just...the worst thing

That is…just…the worst thing.

Luis once found 5 Insane Stories about Ripped-Off Body Parts and then replaced them with Four Robotic Body Parts Combined to Make Frankensexdoll.

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