With the end of the season looming closer and closer, both teams and sportscasters are scrambling to keep things fresh and lively for the playoffs. Luckily for me, teams are never without some ridiculous news to keep me at my most sarcastic.
Football fans, here is Week 14 in the NFL.
Thursday, December 6th, 2012
Denver Broncos @ Oakland Raiders
One again, the Denver Broncos have locked up the AFC West. This time, the excitement had to do with how good the team is with Peyton Manning at the helm, not how bad the competition is with Tim Tebow at the helm. Yes, Tim Tebow helped the Broncos win the AFC West last year. Somehow.
LINE: Broncos by 11
Sunday, December 9th, 2012
St. Louis Rams @ Buffalo Bills
The Rams finally showed that they do not deserve to have a “1” in their tie column by defeating the 49ers last week. Unfortunately, that looming “1” may prove fatal to an otherwise strong push for a spot in the playoffs. Yes, you just read that. Yes, the NFC wildcard race is that ugly.
LINE: Bills by 3
Dallas Cowboys @ Cincinnati Bengals
In order to show that records don’t translate to Super Bowl wins, or even playoff wins, Tony Romo broke Troy Aikman’s franchise record for career touchdowns. It is believed he also holds the franchise record for career choke plays, but that was well before last week. Meanwhile, the Bengals prepare for the final gauntlet run of their season to get into the playoffs which, unlike the Carson Palmer days, doesn’t seem to be choking at all.
LINE: Bengals by 3
Kansas City Chiefs @ Cleveland Browns
In perhaps the most amazing turnaround of the season, the Chiefs managed the almost impossible by shutting me up for a week, a feat they would surely take back and I would give back due to the tragedy of the situation. Cleveland, you’re off the hook too.
LINE: Browns by 7
Tennessee Titans @ Indianapolis Colts
Andrew Luck has been in lock-step with RG3 for Rookie of the Year honors. Unfortunately, that almost all came crashing down when the rookie QB decided to run step-for-step with his running back into the end zone for the winning touchdown against Detroit last week. Just think of the “block” that a more violent linebacker would have anticipated.
LINE: Colts by 6
Chicago Bears @ Minnesota Vikings
I’ve always been in awe of how Bears players seem to actually look like bears. This is even more apparent when seeing Brian Urlacher yelling as he is forced out of a game due to injury. This will be a big hit when defending against Adrian Peterson, who reminded everyone why they tried to draft him to their fantasy team by running for 210 yards.
LINE: Bears by 3
San Diego Chargers @ Pittsburgh Steelers
Normally I would say that this game depends on whether or not Ben Roethlisberger is active for this game. After seeing the old man Charlie Batch involved in a group-hug after defeating the Ravens last week, I can’t deny that, at least against the draft-hunting Chargers, the Steelers could pull this one out even without Big Ben.
Philadelphia Eagles @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Luckily for Tampa fans, I will be at this game, wearing a Mike Alstott jersey and jeering Nick Foles and the Philadelphia Eagles like all of the other Philly fans. Well, the Philly fans may not be wearing an Alstott jersey, but seeing a few Jeff Garcia jerseys is not totally out of the question.
LINE: Buccaneers by 8
Baltimore Ravens @ Washington Redskins
The battle for America’s capital should be nothing short of spectacular. Well, maybe spectacular isn’t the right word when the Ravens are missing Suggs and Lewis and the Redskins are missing most of their starting defensive line. Spectacular in offense, maybe, but I’m a fan of defense and can’t wait for Ray Lewis to super-glue his tricep back to his arm so he can play next week.
LINE: Redskins by 3
Atlanta Falcons @ Carolina Panthers
The Falcons have yet to begin their seasonal disappearing act, and after beating the Saints for the first time in a hundred years (in Super Bowl years) we may not see it. This team looks to be legit, unlike the Panthers, who looked liked the most legit team with a losing record last year.
LINE: Falcons by 4
New York Jets @ Jacksonville Jaguars
With the controversy surrounding Mark Sanchez holding a clipboard for the 4th quarter while Greg McElroy engineered the lone score that put the Jets ahead of the Cardinals, it seems odd that people are clamoring for Tim Tebow to start even with busted ribs. Yes, Tim Tebow is still the story in Jet camp, and will be until the end of the season. Meanwhile, the Jaguars remembered that they wanted the #1 draft pick this year, and promptly lost last week.
LINE: Jets by 3
Miami Dolphins @ San Francisco 49ers
Quarterback controversies when both quarterbacks are winning is something a hot-headed former quarterback for the Bears who never won a Super Bowl would relish. Winning steadily causes no drama, which means there would be nothing to yell about and try to engineer your former starting quarterback to become the latest “Captain Comeback. Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you Jim Harbaugh.
LINE: 49ers by 10
New Orleans Saints @ New York Giants
The Giants were true to form last week, collecting almost no wins in No-vember. This has led to sports analysts having to decide between restating old quips from former years about the team, or going so abysmally cheesy that you can’t help but smirk. Unfortunately, I think my quip was both.
LINE: Giants by 5
Arizona Cardinals @ Seattle Seahawks
Watching the Cardinals’ rookie quarterback, Ryan Lindley, made me think that he may not have his glasses on at game time. His passing became so bad that Jets fans began thinking that Tim Tebow wasn’t all that bad. With a quarterback rating of 40.0 so far, it can only get better, right? Well, visiting the 12 man in Seattle, not necessarily.
LINE: Seahawks by 11
Detroit Lions @ Green Bay Packers
The Lions have fallen to new lows after being defeated by a game-winning drive by a rookie quarterback. Add to that the microscope Ndamukong Suh has been in and a game against their conference rivals in Green Bay, and you can be sure that this game will either be highly exciting, or extremely funny, especially if Jim Schwartz throws a tantrum on the sidelines.)
LINE: Packers by 7
Monday, December 10th, 2012
Houston Texans @ New England Patriots
This potential AFC Championship teaser is must-see for the week, as the Texans will finally have to work for a victory. Then again, with the AFC South locked up and home-field throughout the playoffs all but assured, they may play the game that the Giants played and lose their first meeting to the Patriots to entrap them when it really matters. Or maybe I’m just trying to add drama that isn’t really there.
LINE: Patriots by 4
Patrick Emmel is a football fan who began the manly pilgrimage of seeing an NFL game at every stadium two years ago. You can see more of his work at www.theineptowl.com or heckle him on Twitter @Patrick_AE.
Patrick previously used his football knowledge to break down the best, worst and downright horrible draft picks in NFL history.
If you haven’t had enough NFL jokes, you can check out last week’s Asinine Analysis! —>