A Day in the Life of…Gandalf

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Scumbag Gandalf gives you a magic ring..."Dude, get rid of this for me."

Scumbag Gandalf gives you a magic ring…”Dude, get rid of this for me.”

jacopo-della-quercia1 Jacopo della Quercia
Jacopo della Quercia is a man of many talents who somehow eluded d...
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by Jacopo della Quercia
graphic by Brendan McGinley

Who knew Gandalf the Grey partied so hard? It turns out the secret life of Middle Earth’s most respected wizard is a lot more like that one jerk you knew in college. We followed the wizard around Middle Earth for a day, and found out his true character.

1. Wake up on a park bench in Minas Tirith to a Guard of the Citadel poking you with a spear.

If he doesn’t stop after a while, simply take the spear from him.

If he doesn’t stop after a while, simply take the spear from him.

2. Catch a moth and whisper to it that you’re hungry. After eating the moth, start sifting through garbage for food.

What the hell else do you think he ate on this rock?

What the hell else do you think he ate on this rock?

3. Tramp around for a bit, pretending to be an old man with a limp, for some alms. Once you spot a horse with no owner in sight, ask some children if they can help you onto it.

Once acquired, skip town.

Once acquired, skip town.

4. Take an arrow through the foot for trespassing at Ithilien. Taunt the Rangers about how they have no king and are all going to die at Osgiliath in a few months.

On your way out, take a piss in the Forbidden Pool.

On your way out, take a piss in the Forbidden Pool.

5. That flesh wound on your foot is starting to fester. Search for some Kingsfoil, and by Kingsfoil you mean Longbottom Leaf. And by Longbottom Leaf you mean weed.

Whatever. As long as it burns, you can smoke it.

Whatever. As long as it burns, you can smoke it.

6. Upon realizing that you don’t know any practical magic, hide in some bushes and wait for a merchant to pass. After asking him for a match, knock him down and speed off in his cart.

A cart full of fireworks? Score!

A cart full of fireworks? Score!

7. After accidentally burning Fangorn Forest to the ground, an idea hits you…

“Of course! Saruman!”

“Of course! Saruman!”

8. Stop by Isengard and ask Saruman if he has any Halflings’ Leaf. If he scorns you for smoking too much, call him a Palantíri addict and storm out in a huff.

But not without asking for more wine first.

But not without asking for more wine first.

9. Make way for Bree. You know an inn there where you have running tabs on numerous fake names.

Hopefully it’s still a strip joint.

Hopefully it’s still a strip joint.

10. Get piss drunk selling story after story about Bagginses to a table of mysterious strangers in black in exchange for free beers. After that, tumble into an alley and call it a night.

You got a lot of mooching ahead of you in the morning.

You got a lot of mooching ahead of you in the morning.

 


Everything Lincoln is badass.

Everything Lincoln is badass.

Jacopo della Quercia is a man of many talents who somehow eluded death in 1438. He can regularly be found at Cracked and on Twitter @Jacopo_della_Q

BadassHistory2012Dec11

December 11 was a pretty big day for murderous monsters.

Jacopo is MCD’s resident historian and keeper of the badass flame. Check out This Badass Day in History: November 19 and This Badass Day in History: December 11

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