The Dumbest Yahoo! Answers (Part VI)

View Comments
We endure their idiocy so you don't have to. Until you read this article. Sorry.

We endure their idiocy so you don’t have to. Until you read this article. Sorry.

100_0672 Luis Prada
Luis Prada’s a columnist for Cracked, and his work can also be found...
Read More
by Luis Prada

Shhh! Do you hear that? It’s the sound of thousands of idiots, trolls, and more idiots unlocking their brains and hurling their fetid thought goo onto Yahoo! Answers.

It’s my duty to scoop up this goo and present it to you. This is my lot in life. It’s not pretty, but it’s a public service.


No, but Thor Invented NASA to Cover Up His Bowling Score

Not sure if original poster is trolling, or just high.

Not sure if original poster is trolling, or just high.

What's more, they use the lightning to assassinate anyone who tries to reveal their secret.

What’s more, they use the lightning to assassinate anyone who tries to reveal their secret.

Not only that, but the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration invented whales so their music would distract us from discovering the lost city of Atlantis. If ever you are lucky enough to happen upon a gang of whale humming a melodic tune, be sure to look a little bit to the left of them, because that’s where Atlantis is.


You Also Shouldn’t Use Alan Turing’s Magic Calculator

Good advice: never let anyone who's a different religion, political party, race, sex, height, or weight make your life better. Otherwise you risk growing as a person.

Sound advice: never let anyone who’s a different religion, political party, race, sex, height, or weight make your life better. Otherwise you risk growing as a person.

FACEBOOK IS YOUR ONLY GOD NOW.

FACEBOOK IS YOUR ONLY GOD NOW.

What do you mean by sin? Like, biblical sin? If so, you’re a f***ing idiot. But if you mean sin as in “OMG, this chocolate cake is sinfully delicious!” then yes, Facebook is a deliciously delectable sin. It’s also a portal to the biblical underworld waiting for a quarter of the earth’s population to sign up so that it may open its fiery maw and engulf the world in flames and torture. But a literal sin? Go f*** yourself.


Fellas: Don’t Try This With a Rotten Cantaloupe

Uh-huh. Your "friend."

Uh-huh. Your “friend.”

Three at once though...then you should have a talk with her.

Three at once though…then you should have a talk with her.

Yes, it is safe to use a cucumber for the act of sexual self-pleasure. In fact, there’s a whole range of produce that is safe for vagina consumption. Your friend can pair the cucumber with some carrots and raspberry vinaigrette for a tantalizing sexual experience. But make sure she avoids using any type of gourd.


What Exactly…?

Freaked out? This is like discovering plutonium by accident!

Freaked out? This is like discovering plutonium by accident!

Beyond hetero, bi, and homo lies...Warholsexual

Beyond hetero, bi, and homo lies…Warholsexual

Of course you should be freaked out by it. There are only two sexes. If you like them both you’re bisexual. If you have no interest, you’re asexual. The prefix “tri” implies that she is either A) full of s**t, or B) has taken to a laboratory, created a monster of a third and previously non-existent sexual orientation, and after the creature went on a murderous rampage, she tried to kill it, but could not because she was in love with her sexual abomination. Option-A is probably closer to reality, while option-B is the one that can make for an excellent and/or truly horrendous horror movie.


It’s Not as Weird as Pretending that In a Crowd

Maybe produce is the trisexual orientation?

Maybe produce is the trisexual orientation?

Three at once though...then you should have a talk with her.

Unless your fantasy includes coming home to find your peach with a cucumber, and telling you it’s much tastier than you are.

No. Why would you want to be a carrot when, as evidenced in my response to the third question, pretending to be a cucumber is way more fun?


Although some people shouldn't be living anywhere.

Although some people shouldn’t be living anywhere.

Luis Prada’s work can be found on Cracked, FunnyCrave, The Smoking Jacket, and GuySpeed. If you visit his Tumblr page, The Devil Wears Me, he will give you a non-refundable virtual hug.

Why is Paul Reiser yelling at that poor child?

Why is Paul Reiser yelling at that poor child?

Luis previously covered 5 Creepy Secret Squatters and 5 Things Your Political Leaning Says About You.

View Comments
blog comments powered by Disqus
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 2,451 other followers