Reporting Luis Prada
by Luis Prada
Shhh! Do you hear that? It’s the sound of thousands of idiots, trolls, and more idiots unlocking their brains and hurling their fetid thought goo onto Yahoo! Answers.
It’s my duty to scoop up this goo and present it to you. This is my lot in life. It’s not pretty, but it’s a public service.
No, but Thor Invented NASA to Cover Up His Bowling Score
Not only that, but the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration invented whales so their music would distract us from discovering the lost city of Atlantis. If ever you are lucky enough to happen upon a gang of whale humming a melodic tune, be sure to look a little bit to the left of them, because that’s where Atlantis is.
You Also Shouldn’t Use Alan Turing’s Magic Calculator
What do you mean by sin? Like, biblical sin? If so, you’re a f***ing idiot. But if you mean sin as in “OMG, this chocolate cake is sinfully delicious!” then yes, Facebook is a deliciously delectable sin. It’s also a portal to the biblical underworld waiting for a quarter of the earth’s population to sign up so that it may open its fiery maw and engulf the world in flames and torture. But a literal sin? Go f*** yourself.
Fellas: Don’t Try This With a Rotten Cantaloupe
Yes, it is safe to use a cucumber for the act of sexual self-pleasure. In fact, there’s a whole range of produce that is safe for vagina consumption. Your friend can pair the cucumber with some carrots and raspberry vinaigrette for a tantalizing sexual experience. But make sure she avoids using any type of gourd.
Of course you should be freaked out by it. There are only two sexes. If you like them both you’re bisexual. If you have no interest, you’re asexual. The prefix “tri” implies that she is either A) full of s**t, or B) has taken to a laboratory, created a monster of a third and previously non-existent sexual orientation, and after the creature went on a murderous rampage, she tried to kill it, but could not because she was in love with her sexual abomination. Option-A is probably closer to reality, while option-B is the one that can make for an excellent and/or truly horrendous horror movie.
It’s Not as Weird as Pretending that In a Crowd
No. Why would you want to be a carrot when, as evidenced in my response to the third question, pretending to be a cucumber is way more fun?