These are the times that try men’s souls, and for good reason. One does not easily take a kick in the balls in front of the whole goddamn world. Nevertheless, that is what makes days like today so goddamn extraordinary. You won’t believe how many nut shots were endured on this day, December 19…
O Brother, Where Art Thou?
Publius Septimius Geta, the 23rd Emperor of Rome, is assassinated in 211 A.D. by members of the Praetorian Guard at the behest of his brother, Caracalla.
Caracalla promptly has his brother erased in a “condemnation of memory” and purged from all inscriptions. Oh, and just to be safe, an additional 20,000 people were killed or sentenced to condemnation as well.
That’s all folks!
Roman Emperor Licinius abdicates his throne after Constantine crushes him in a civil war in 324. Constantine agrees to spare him, but eventually changes his mind and has him killed the next year.
No Paine, No Gain
Thomas Paine publishes his first pamphlet of The American Crisis in 1776. True to its title, things were going pretty terribly for the American Revolution at the time.
Interestingly, his famous line “tyranny, like hell, is not easily conquered” could be considered a precursor for “one does not simply walk into Mordor.”
A Dark Time for the Rebellion…
George Washington’s 12,000-man Continental Army staggers into Valley Forge for the winter in 1777. With few supplies and even less support coming from Congress, some 2,500 soldiers would die there.
Heir Today, Gone Tomorrow
Princess Marie-Thérèse-Charlotte, daughter of Marie Antoinette and Louis XVI, is born at Versailles in 1778. She would later serve twenty minutes as Queen of France in 1830, between the abdication of her father-in-law Charles X and her husband Louis Antoine.
A Christmas Carol goes on sale for the first time in 1843. The book was an instant success despite Charles Dickens looking like someone who crawled out of Twilight convention.
The astronauts of Apollo 17 return to Earth. We haven’t set foot on the Moon since.
The Jules Rimet Trophy, original FIFA World Cup trophy, is stolen in 1983. The trophy was never recovered. Fortunately, it looked ass-ugly compared to the trophy FIFA uses now.
Two articles of impeachment against President Bill Clinton are forwarded to the US Senate by the US House of Representatives in 1998.
Thanks for all the trouble you’ve given us, December 19. All of a sudden, the Mayan apocalypse doesn’t seem quite so bad.