The Craziest Mayan Apocalypse Theories

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Every apocalypse eventually turns into The Matrix: Reloaded

Every apocalypse eventually turns into The Matrix: Reloaded

biosize Luke McKinney
Luke McKinney writes about games, drink, science, and everything else...
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by Luke McKinney

The 13th b’ak’tun of the Mayan long count cycle ends on Dec 21st. Since the Maya themselves ended hundreds of years ago, you’d think that wouldn’t be a big deal, and because you think, it isn’t. But lots of people who only use their heads as ass-counterweights are very excited. Because when you’re that stupid, any chance of an end to your pointless existence is exciting. Even though “b’ak’tun” sounds like a Klingon sneezing. And even though thinking the world will end because of it is like examining a wall calendar and panicking that the world will end on December 31st.

“Wow, time itself ends on New Year’s Eve. You’d think I’d have noticed that.”

“Wow, time itself ends on New Year’s Eve. You’d think I’d have noticed that.”

Never mind predicting cosmological disaster, the Maya couldn’t even predict wheels would roll. And any culture technically outsmarted by NASCAR is not the master of untold destiny. Which hasn’t stopped several idiots from coming up with ways the world could end.

The UFO Parking Garage

The French mountain of Bugarach has stood for over 100 million years. It has watched dinosaurs dying, cavemen scratching themselves, and countless goats just standing around chewing their own spit. And it’s never seen anything as stupid as its current visitors. Idiots are camping on the mountain, believing it to be a UFO parking garage and that the aliens – who have presumably been reading a really, really good book all this time – will emerge on the apocalypse and save those nearby. Because when secret aliens ascend to harvest the elite of Earth, “People who had nothing better to do than go camping for a month in December” will surely be their top priority.

The aliens actually use human hair as wool, and are just harvesting the most sheeplike humans.

The aliens actually use human hair as wool, and are just harvesting the most sheeplike humans.

A dangerous mass of lunatics is descending on the town of Bugarach, and that’s not us talking, that’s the Mayor. The town only has 200 residents. All of whom are understandably worried, because if there’s one thing zombie movies teach us, it’s that a small group of intelligent beings have no chance against a huge horde of mindless bodies. Which is why the mayor has asked the police to block access to the mountain. When you’re so dumb the government has to protect rocks from your stupidity, you’d better hope that those aliens eat human flesh, because at least then you’ll be useful to someone.

Nibiru

First, say “Nibiru” out loud. Now imagine doing that again but expecting anyone in this or any other hidden world taking you seriously. Oh, also imagine you believe in hidden worlds, but since you’re the one incanting made-up words to thin air we figured that was obvious. “Nibiru” was imagined by Nancy Leider. She also imagines that aliens abducted her as a child to implant a a communications device in her brain, and it’s still working today. The communications device, that is. We don’t think the brain ever did. Her website ZetaTalk relays the information the gray aliens transmit directly into her head.

They're clearly not transmitting good HTML

They’re clearly not transmitting good HTML

The key word above: “hidden.” She didn’t just claim that there was there’s another planet somewhere in the galaxy, but that it’s screaming in at point-blank range and that NASA either didn’t see it, or were keeping it secret as some sort of practical joke on the entire planet.

“So we’re agreed, we let the world die to get revenge against Billy Bates from middle school.”

“So we’re agreed, we let the world die to get revenge against Billy Bates from middle school.”

We know NASA has less human space launch capacity than a large catapult these days, but they can still spot planets. And just to prove that even the  insanest prediction can always get stupider, she predicted this would happen in 2003. But some people still insist she was right, which is really above and beyond the call of stupidity, claiming that Nibiru really is coming round for a second try. Sometimes they call it “Planet X”, because even people who believe we all face doom from Planet X think “Nibiru” sounds stupid.

Timewave Zero

“Timewave Zero” is a computer program based on a numerological translation of the I Ching reconverted to the Mayan calendar. Possibly in an attempt to create 100% synthetic bulls**t. The software was created by Terence McKenna while high on mushrooms.

timewave The Craziest Mayan Apocalypse Theories

If that’s the best vision you can come up with on mushrooms, then you are wasting those mushrooms. Give them to someone else. You need something way stronger. Like maybe the mains connected to the computer, because you’re wasting that computer too. Making a microprocessor calculate numerology is like making Mike Tyson play patty-cake: you’re taking the piss out the only thing they’re good at. We haven’t dug up an old program to embarrass a guy who died 12 years ago. That’s the product somebody is selling right now.

With specific inputs the program predicts a period of “infinite novelty” on the same date as the famous apocalypse. Or put another way, “if you put certain numbers in, you can get certain numbers out.” That’s less amazing than trying to summon tits by multiplying 2659004 by 2.

"His math checks out. I'd better show him my  tits."

“His math checks out. I’d better show him my tits.”

Those numbers on a Blue Screen of Death are a better indicator of the future, because at least they’re connected to something that actually happened, and really do cause a minor apocalypse. Though I’ll agree with Terrence that you’re more likely to get meaning out of the I Ching. We’re not saying whoever’s selling McKenna’s software is an unrepentant con artist who’s scamming money out of this soft-headed-ware, but they’re offering 33% off until the Mayan apocalypse while recommending it as an ideal Christmas present.

timewaveoffer The Craziest Mayan Apocalypse Theories

Web Bot

The Web Bot Project is a Nostradaman prediction engine. In that “it also vomits out endless nonsense and morons pretend it predicted the future.” Protip: if you have to explain how something was totally a prediction AFTER the fact, that’s not the future. That’s the past, and proof that your life has nothing worthwhile in the present. The Web Bot claims to predict the future by analyzing random words on the internet. There isn’t a worse source of future intelligence outside of a caveman’s brainpan.

This guy’s actually smarter than the Web Bot programmers, because he has a tool that works.

This guy’s actually smarter than the Web Bot programmers, because he has a tool that works.

The Web Bot was originally built to predict stock market trends. That’s actually conceivable. Shifts in the mood of the populace could provide some vague hints about future trading. But the makers realized that there was much more money to be made in pure bulls**t, and none to be made from a stock market predictor based on the same bulls**t, so they widened Web Bot’s reports. They claim to have predicted the Indian Ocean earthquake of 2004, the Space Shuttle Columbia disaster, and the 9/11 attacks. This means it clearly doesn’t work as a stock market predictor. When you can make infinite money on the stock market, you might give it all up to retire to an island full of naked hotness and jetskis, but not to talk about natural disasters.

It also means they’re claiming that the internet subconscious either predicts or controls the tectonic activity of Earth. Since the planet hasn’t exploded or reshaped one of the continents into a vast geological penis shape, this probably isn’t true. And of course they’ve claimed that the Web Bot predicts a Menacingly Vague event around Mayan apocalypse. Because making vague predictions based on total nonsense on the internet is their system’s basic design.

Black Hole Alignment

The craziest of all theories is the idea that a galactic alignment will end up sucking the Earth through a black hole on Dec 21st, despite the fact that a black hole targeting us on a certain day is like you targeting certain speck of dust on a certain nanosecond. Around this time of year the Earth and Sun will line up with Sagittarius A*, the black hole at the center of our galaxy. Which means as much as you happening to be at the same latitude of Milla Jovovich one thousand miles away: no matter how badly you fantasize, you will not suddenly be sucked inside her.

Which is sad, but at least it gives us enough reason to look at her.

Which is sad, but at least it gives us enough reason to look at her.

This idea is so prevalent that NASA have had to explain that it’s total nonsense. When someone forces rocket scientists to stop what they’re doing and explain that you’re an idiot, they really are so stupid they’re cancelling out people with actual intelligence.

Which is why I once more make a suggestion that the governments keep rejecting. Listen, we have all these morons who think they’re going to die on Friday. I’m just saying that if we make their dreams come true, technically it’s an early Christmas present, and the world will work a lot better from then on.

thegoofyend The Craziest Mayan Apocalypse Theories

Now would be the right time to play “Christmas at Ground Zero.”

This, but with beer

This, but with beer.

Want more apocalypse? Check out The Goofiest Ways the World Ends in Fiction or The Four Horsemen of a Crappy Night Out.


bonusround2 The Craziest Mayan Apocalypse Theories
The only crime here is putting that whiskey out of reach.

The only crime here is putting that whiskey out of reach.

Luke knows that the world won’t end this week, and no-one can prove him wrong.

Here: enjoy this positive one we made for you before things get ugly. (Photo: Thinkstock)

Here: enjoy this positive one we made for you before things get ugly.

Instead he fights a fate worse than apocalypse by helping people cross  The Whiskey Barrier, and takes arms against The 6 Worst Inspirational Posters Ever Made by Man.

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