Reporting Patrick Braud
Welcome, friends, to the season of giving! Welcome to the season of love, harmony, friendship, caring for your fellow man, and of course, public drunkenness and petty revenge.
But now the ante shall be upped. You’ve got some scores to settle. You’ve been wronged and there’s no better way to get your sweet, tasty revenge than by pretending to be your wrong-doers friend for a time and then using a celebration meant for their closest friends and loved ones to unleash a swift revenge upon their inferior, feeble and totally un-cool selves.
No one, and I mean NO ONE EVER gets away with taking your parking spot, eating “a few” of your fries when you are sure you specified that they could have “a couple,” or borrowing your truck for an extra 25 minutes and returning with it washed. The washing only accounted for an extra 15.
At last, friends, it is time for your revenge. Though I don’t believe that you have been wronged any less than I have this year, I know that most other people don’t have the same dedication I do to planning out that which is best served cold. The newspaper clippings scribbled on with a sharpie and pushpins that line my basement wall can attest to that. Luckily for you I tend to over-prepare just in case one of my ideas goes horribly awry, so I have some to spare.
The Wayans Bros. & Friedberg and Seltzer DVD Collection
Including White Chicks,” “Meet the Spartans,” all three “Scary Movie”s, “Date Movie,” and “Dance Flick.”
This is a good one if you want to start small. Build to the terror. I’ve only ever walked out on one movie to date and that was “Date Movie,” and only like 2% so I could make that pun just now. Mostly because it was “oh my god kill me please kill me” levels of awful. The movies themselves won’t be too much of a revenge unless you just like looking at people be very uncomfortable while also trying to seem appreciative, but you can up the revenge level by tying them to a chair and forcing them to watch them all repeatedly, though then you might as well go with the gift idea of “tying them to a chair.”
Paying a Guy to Stand In Their Window, Dressed as a Clown (Holding a Knife)
This is about the next level up from the chair tying in terms of the intimidation factor. You might think the pure physicality of the chair tying would be worse in itself, but nay, good sir or madam, you would be wrong in this instance. It’s a clown in your window and it’s got a knife. If I saw that and didn’t already know that I had planted it there in order to make myself less afraid of the scenario should one of my enemies get the same idea, I would probably soil myself from pure fear. Clowns with knives are way scarier to me than physical restraints because at least physical restraints can be kinky to some folks. I don’t think there’s a fetish site for clowns with knives and I am not going to look.
Cobra in a Box (Mailed)
A classic. It might die before it reaches your target, but this is definitely one to consider for long-range revenge tactics. The main problem is getting the cobra in the first place, which will take some significant wrangling and/or charming with a flute you’ve made from a gourd, but also knowledge of anti-venom and also knowledge of how not to get bit by snakes. Try my new book, How Not to Get Bitten by Snakes: The Ultimate Guide, hitting stores near you whenever I can sneak in after hours and place them there.
It’s just rat poison. What do you do with it? I don’t know except OH WAIT I DO PUT IT IN THEIR CHRISTMAS PUDDING. Fruitcake also works if they don’t have any pudding sitting out. It’ll especially work for you because then you won’t accidentally eat it, because fruitcake? Pffffttttt. Lame. The drawback is you’ll have to do ten to life for murder. But hey–revenge!
Ugly Christmas Sweater (Laced with Smallpox)
If you want to get historical and also incredibly politically incorrect with your revenge, then look no further than the Smallpox Sweater! Now in Ugly Christmas variety, I keep a few trunks full of these in my storage area in case the aliens ever invade and we need to kill them with disease. Hopefully they don’t have natural resistance to smallpox. You can do it with any disease you want, but then you miss out on a really cruel joke at the expense of a people we brutally slaughtered so we could have all of their stuff. Though if that’s not your bag, I don’t know why you’re consulting a holiday revenge guide.
Taking the Target to a Cliff or Embankment Overlooking a Beautiful, Scenic Display (and then Pushing Them Off of it)
Have a nearby storefront area with a totally rockin’ light display? Maybe the house that everyone goes to this time of year because it always has a Christmas-time display that is definitely overcompensating for something? Either way, if you can see them well from a place that is high enough to maim or injure someone if they were pushed from that height, then you’re good to go.
Become Incredibly Successful. Date Target for a Number of Years, and then Break Their Tiny Hearts
This is the ultimate of all revenge scenarios, because you get to look them in the eyes as you shatter their entire world and know that all the work you’ve put into this has paid off. You’ve put years into this project that has not only spurred your own massive success, but will leave you far and away on top while the receiver of your incredible revenge hits rock bottom. The pangs of supposed regret you may feel are not genuine attraction developed after a long period of time getting to know someone and sharing your deepest, innermost pains and joys or realizing that they aren’t so bad after all. Nope, definitely not. That’s just the regret you feel at not being able to replicate this revenge scenario with this person a second time–because though you can’t build yourself into a worldly, intelligent and successful individual again without having to start over at square one, you can always just mail them another cobra.
Patrick is a writer and comedian living in Chicago. He has been bitten by so many cobras by now that he could probably just let them do it and not even have to take any anti-venom, but that would defeat the purpose of the book he’s going to sneak into your stores. He’s got a Tumblr where he puts up lil’ doodles occasionally and you can follow him on Twitter @fatfraud.
Patrick wouldn’t actually advocate killing anybody, and even feels pretty terrible about killing things that don’t actually exist, though he does have a tendency to give out plenty of terrible advice.