4 Sports Heroes You Shouldn’t Heckle (or Assault)

by Josh Hrala

Athletes are at prime physical condition and generally speaking you aren’t. But being a diehard fan can sometimes make all of us feel like we are part of the team and therefore can tell these super human athletes that they suck. Heckling an athlete is a sure fire way to show your dedication to the team while also proving you are a clown at the same time. But the athletes usually take quite an offense to these insults and sometimes calling someone a bum is all they need to go from sports hero to “that dude that totally kicked my ass in front of my girlfriend.” Don’t let this happen to you, by making sure you don’t heckle these legendary athletes who will give you one legendary of an ass whoopin’.

4. Babe Ruth Will Fight the Entire Stadium

Everyone, even people who despise sports, knows who Babe Ruth is. You know, that guy who pointed to the outfield and proceeded to smack a homerun like it was tee ball. He is one of the most beloved sports heroes of all time. But people seem to not know that he will also beat you senseless if he can get his hands on you.

It turns out that when he heroically pointed to the outfield he was most likely pointing to a fan he wanted to hit with the bat. Or at least that would make sense after learning that one day in The Polo Lands he was in the middle of a horrible batting cold streak. He hit what would have been a good single but decided the hell with it and went for a double, getting thrown out in the process. After politely throwing dirt in the umpires eyes he was ejected from the game and like all good trolls he took a bow in front of the booing fans.

Then some jag off in the stands called him the worst insult in the book, get ready, you maybe offended, he called him a bum. More specifically he said “You god damned big bum, why don’t you play ball?” which the Babe didn’t take lightly. He got onto the dugout roof and chased the heckler until he just decided he had enough running around (probably all the cigar smoke). He returned to the dugout roof to scream at the entire stadium beckoning them to come and fight him.

3. Mike Milbury will Beat You With Your Own Shoe

He doesn't look like he'd hit anybody.

He doesn’t look like he’d hit anybody.

“Hey a hockey player in a fight! Strange, isn’t it?” I hear you saying quite douchily. Well this was no street fight or on-the-ice fight that got Milbury on this list. It all started with the Boston Bruins going against the New York Rangers in Madison Square Garden.

After the end game buzzer rang the two teams started doing what hockey players do best and that is shove and sh*t talk to each other until someone gets a concussion or loses a tooth. However this particular shoving match went a little differently than expected. A fan by the name of John Kaptain decided to start helping the Rangers by smacking one of the Bruins with a program and then stealing his stick.

Needless to say this didn’t fly with Milbury, who then got into the stands and chased Kaptain up many rows of seats, wearing his skates an all. When Milbury finally caught up with Kaptain, he grabbed his foot, took off his shoe and gave the man a nice smack on the head with it. In hindsight Milbury probably could have killed him if he wanted to, but beating someone with their own shoe is just so satisfying, Milbury let him live to heckle another day.

2. Chad Kreuter will Find You

"We would like to speak with you regarding your recent transgression against the Dodgers."

“We would like to speak with you regarding your recent transgression against the Dodgers.”

Baseball players rarely are violent. The most blood you will see on the baseball diamond is that of a pitcher getting whacked with a ball or a slide gone horribly wrong, or one of those wacky pig-pile brawls. But one day in one of the worlds most famous and well known ball parks, Wrigley Field, a fan got a knucle sandwich he was asking for.

You see, Wrigley Field has a goofy bullpen. While most bullpens are secluded from the fans and generally tucked into corners of the outfield Wrigley’s is open and the fans sit right above where the pitchers stand to watch the proceedings. Kreuter happened to be one of those pitchers who played for the LA Dodgers. As he stood there minding his own god damn business a fan decided that he would totally be able to kick Mr. Kreuter’s ass.

The fan took Kreuter’s hat and punched him in the back of the head. After that he fled into the thousands of people that filled the stadium. Kreuter leapt into action flinding himself into the crowd and trying to hunt down the fan, the dugout cleared and the bullpen was intermixed with the fans fighting just about everyone that got in their way. Because if you’re going to fight a fan, you might as well fight all the fans. What would Babe Ruth do?

After unsuccessfully searching for the ballsy man who hit him, he issued the following threat promise press release that is on par with something out of a movie. He said, “The guy that hit me, I want to serve notice that I’m coming after him. I’ll make him accountable, and I will definitely seek him out to see that he is accountable for his actions.” Does he mean legal action of street justice? We may never know. Or is this fan already dead somewhere?

1. Mike Hampton will Travel to Whoop Your Ass

Obviously he's not thinking about murder, but if he were, we doubt he'd look any more badass than this.

Obviously he’s not thinking about murder, but if he were, we doubt his expression would change.

Mike Hampton was the starting pitcher for the Houston Astros and also a great friend to have if you find a crazed fan stuck to your back, which is exactly what happened to the Astros’ right fielder, Bill Spiers.

A fan jumped in from the right field corner and ran over to Spiers, jumping on his back. This obviously caught Spiers off-guard because they do not train for that crap in spring training. All he knew was there was no way of getting this jagaloon off of his back.

Hampton, who was in his pitching stretch, happened to look to right field, possibly out of habit or possibly just wanting to make comforting eye contact with his buddy Spiers. Either way, he saw the hooliganry that was going on and decided he wasn’t about to let the fan get away with it.

Hampton went from the mid infield (the god damn pitchers mound) all the way to right field and started kung fu kicking the living hell out of the fan, who still wouldn’t let go of Spiers, who was now on the ground. When asked about what happened, Hampton just said very badassly, “It was a scary thing. My instincts just took over. My rage took over. I was pretty furious. I wanted to get him off my teammate.”

Josh Hrala
Well sure, it's easy to relax if this is who's waiting on your bed for purposes of a) napping, b) stretching, and c)  other.


Josh Hrala is also a writer for Cracked.com and his work can be found here. He would love to chat on FacebookOr you can talk to him about writing stuff at joshhrala@gmail.com.

babe ruth irwin la broad pudlin 4 Sports Heroes You Shouldnt Heckle (or Assault)

His only exercise is pummeling fans and cancer.

Josh previously taught you How to Relax, Now With More Science! Meanwhile, laugh at the Babe a little more in The Least Athletic Athletes of All Time.

More from Josh Hrala

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