Its been several days since you, most likely drunk, vowed that 2013 would be the year you finally stopped smoking, lost weight, or avenged your father’s death. And I’m sure there are plenty of good reasons you’ve joined the estimated 156 million Americans who have already lit up a smoke, ordered a triple cheeseburger or realised that their father is, in fact, still alive.
You can’t say Man Cave Daily didn’t warn you–New Year’s Resolutions are about as effective at changing your life as buying a lottery ticket is at paying off your debts.
So what now? Wallow in self pity? Cry? Cry like a slobbering crybaby? No. Because this is the Man Cave, not the slobberpants cave, and here at the Man Cave we greet failure as we greet everything else in life- with a fearsome war cry and a ludicrous contingency plan!
So you failed to stick to a diet…
Weight loss is probably the most common New Year’s Resolution, and with good reason. After a festive season in which you took the concept of bacon to bold new frontiers, you probably reached the point where life atop a Rascal scooter seemed both practical and inevitable. So you vowed to eat nothing but salad and misery in 2013 until you were as svelte as an elven super model. But then came the muffins. The muffins of failure.
Excess fat needn’t be your enemy (though obviously it is, medically)! Why not turn the perennial poundage into a valuable asset by joining your local Sumo Wrestling circuit? Sure, you may have lost your waistline, but you’ve gained an active hobby where you can meet new and exciting people. Meet them and wrestle them. In humorous underwear no less!
Being fat doesn’t have to be the be-all and end-all of who you are. As long as you’re fit, active and sticking your face into a mostly nude stranger’s armpit then there’s no reason you can’t live life to its sweaty fullest.
So you failed to stop smoking…
After decades of cigarettes being marketed as an instant coolness enhancer, its still a shock to some people that they are in fact highly addictive one-way tickets to deadsville. Even though the world is crammed with scientifically indisputable facts that tell you smoking is worse for your health than sewer-diving underneath Taco Bell, you still can’t seem to put the blighters down. An so, calling on the magic of New Year’s Eve, you crush your pack of smokes and vow to never again be nicotine’s bitch. Until the following monday when you just really, really needed a cigarette.
Seeing as smoking drastically shortens your life, why not use the absolute terror lit by the certainty of an early grave to motivate yourself to use your time more wisely? Knowing that the icy fingers of death are upon your shoulder, why not use your free time to study advanced robotics? Rather than watching TV tonight, why not learn how to imprint a flawless three-dimensional map of your brain onto a working silicone replica? Then, when you’ve finally created a perfect robot double of yourself (only with a flamethrower instead of a left hand because that would be awesome) you can smoke with total impunity, knowing that some part of you will live on in the cold, fear-inducing form of man’s merciless replacement.
So you failed to save money…
For some of you, New Year’s Eve ended with the flinging of the last of your dollar bills into a stripper’s face whilst you ran away from the angry barman who’d just tried to call in your tab. “That’s it,” you thought, as the bouncer put his elbow into your eye. “This year I’m going to save more money instead of spending it all and… Arrgh!”
Commendable. Keeping a tighter reign on your finances is always a good idea, and if you can afford to put away a few bucks for a rainy day rather than spend it all on extra coins for Jetpack Joyride, then you absolutely should. Unfortunately, we both know that while you were reading that last sentence you were also buying extra coins for Jetpack Joyride…
The reason spending money immediately is so much more satisfying than saving it is that saved money only benefits future you. And who is future you? Some bedraggled space pirate with a neon beard and a laser cutlass? What does he even need with your money? He’s got more pressing concerns, like the upcoming Serg’nnt invasion on Delta Prime. No. You can and should flitter your money away on dubious Nigerian princes and t-shirts with moustaches printed on them. The economy depends on it! So don’t lose too much sleep over this one, you haven’t failed to save money–you’ve succeeded in localised fiscal stimulus! You’re a hero!
So you failed to take up exercise…
Did 2012 see you begin climbing the stairs to go to the bathroom, only to give up half way and urinate over the bannister? I’m almost certain it did. “Doing stuff is hard.” You said, as the people below cursed you as a monster. “This coming year I vow that I will take up exercise and become a fitter, more active person.” And then you fell asleep, and refused to move again until somebody carried you home. Now its 2013 and you’re still driving to work, driving to the store, and possibly even driving to your car.
Lethargy is perhaps the most seductive of vices, as it is, by its very nature, incredibly easy to achieve. Far easier than exercise, at any rate. So what to do now that you’ve totally surrendered energy to entropy? Simple. Completely embrace it. Become a still-life model. Become the still-life model. Become the most dedicated still-life model there ever was. “There’s Static Dave,” the art students will gasp, in awe. “He hasn’t moved in years!” Eventually you will die, and nobody will notice for months, so dedicated you are to the art of being a still-life model. You’ll become a legend, surpassed only be the self-mummifying monks of Yamagata and the mystical Sloth King.
So there you have it, if you’re going to set yourself arbitrary goals which will most certainly fail, then you may as well embrace failure to its fullest, most idiotic, conclusion. Or, I suppose, you could just get up off your ass and try again. Either way. I don’t care. If you need me I’ll be smoking caramelized bacon as I try to work up the energy to build my robot.