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This Tattoo Explains Mark Sanchez’s Entire NFL Career

A theory about the Jets' miserable season
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Better to see little green women than little green men.

Better to see little green women than little green men.

100_0672 Luis Prada
Luis Prada’s a columnist for Cracked, and his work can also be found...
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by Luis Prada

The New York Jets’ 2012-2013 season could best be summed up in a single moment.

During a Thanksgiving Day game against the New England Patriots, Jets’ quarterback Mark Sanchez attempted to run the ball through a hole made by his offensive line, but ended up running directly into the ass of his offensive linemen, Brandon Moore, presumably because the Roadrunner painted Moore’s ass to look like a tunnel that offered safe passage directly into to the end zone. But really, it was just a large sweaty ass.

Sanchez sucked his way through most of the season as Tim Tebow wasted away on the Jets’ bench as Sanchez’s rarely used backup.  Yet Jets head coach Rex Ryan started Sanchez game after game. Rex Ryan never gave up on him, and there was no logic behind it. Rex Ryan’s faith was so unwavering, it seemed like Sanchez yanked his coach out of the path of an assassin’s bullet and all he asked for in return was to be permanent quarterback for the Jets from now until infinity.

Sadchez.

And it’s not because then he would have been Mark Sadchez.

Who could have guessed that some no doubt scummy paparazzo of ill repute who decided to photograph a shirtless, sunbathing Rex Ryan while hiding behind a tree would have offered football fans the answer to the grandest mystery of the season: why didn’t Rex Ryan bench Mark Sanchez?

The answer can be best summed up in an image — which you can find here – which we can’t run because doing so would cost us more money than Mark Sanchez cost the Jets wins.

So using clever word pictures, let me describe the photo – it’s Jets coach Rex Ryan sunbathing without a shirt in the Bahamas. On his right arm he has a tattoo of what looks like his wife posing like a WWII USO pinup girl wearing a Jets jersey. And it’s not just any Jets jersey; it’s a Mark Sanchez jersey, with the number 6 on the jersey sleeve being a dead giveaway.

Like this, just with more inherent creepiness.

Like this, just with more inherent creepiness (and better Photoshop).

Aside from the creepiness of depicting your wife in a sexy pose while wearing what’s basically your subordinate’s name tag, giving the whole thing a sexual roleplay vibe, tattoos are rather permanent. Rex Ryan didn’t want to look like an a-hole for the rest of his life by having the tattoo turnout to be a huge mistake, so the tattoo forced his hand – he had to play Mark Sanchez, even if he played like s**t, on the off-chance Sanchez chose this particular Sunday to become the greatest quarterback of all time.

Imagine you’re a 7-Eleven cashier and your manager got you tattooed on his arm because he believes in you and likes the way you scan Mike’s Hard Lemonade bar codes. Then, every single time you showed up to work for the next four years, without fail, you pooped yourself and inadvertently left the cash register open as an invitation for thieves. Do you think you’ll both walk away from that experience feeling good about yourselves? No. Even making eye contact will feel as awkward as accidentally touching penis tips.

Rex fully committed to his wife when he married her; so getting a tattoo of her isn’t a big deal. But for all of the people who exist outside of Rex Ryan’s marriage, a tattoo representing them is a big commitment that’s hard walk away from. So, suddenly, the steadfast dedication to Mark Sanchez as the starting QB makes sense.  But what isn’t clear is what Rex will do with the tattoo if the rumors turn out to be true and Sanchez is traded in the off-season?

Did you know that when Johnny Depp was dating Winona Ryder, he tattooed “Winona Forever” on his arm? And that when they broke up, he had the tattoo changed to “Wino Forever.”

Get ready to see the loop on that six close to form the infinity symbol. At that point, Rex just has to hope he never, ever gets fired.


Luis Prada’s work can be found on CrackedFunnyCraveThe Smoking Jacket, and GuySpeed. If you visit his Tumblr page, The Devil Wears Me, he will give you a non-refundable virtual hug

That dude doesn't even know how close he is to death.

That dude doesn’t even know how close he is to death.

Luis Prada’s work can be found on CrackedFunnyCraveThe Smoking Jacket, and GuySpeed. If you visit his Tumblr page, The Devil Wears Me, he will give you a non-refundable virtual hug.

You'll be thinking of this noise all day! Enjoy!

You’ll be thinking of this noise all day! Enjoy!

Luis taught you the valuable skill of Silencing a Movie Theater with Shame & Ninjas so you could enjoy The Most Copied Sound in Hollywood Today.

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