Reporting Luke McKinney
We had sex before we had laws, because it’s more fun. Sex is the fundamental drive of human progress. It doesn’t just create new people, it also motivates most athletic activity, intellectual endeavors, and the kickass of concept cars. You can tell how backwards a place is by how many laws it has against consensual adults getting it on.
But sometimes the sex is so good it requires police intervention, despite everyone directly involved having an extremely good time. Normally the police only get involved in your consensual sex if you’re starring in a porno movie, but these sex criminals make XXX movies look like amateur hour.
The Swedish Sex Bunker
A Swedish single mother had a bondage-equipped military sex bunker. That’s not a story, that’s a collection of porn search terms, but it really happened. The woman refurbished the abandoned military facility to make love not war, equipping it for night maneuvers with satin sheets, bondage rope, leatherwear and several dildos. The real army should deploy with gear like that. They’d either terrify or tantalize the enemy into submission. And help them like it.
When a pair of fishermen wander into a facility like that by accident, you’d expect the saxophone music to start playing. Instead we got police sirens. Because most porno plots would be criminal investigations if they happened in the real world. This is where the woman showed she doesn’t really need men anyway, because she had plenty of balls of her own. When the media reported a police investigation into a mysterious sex-torture chamber, she calmly informed law enforcement officials that it was hers. And presumably asked them to stop groping her stuff. Then she proved she was a mother by saying that she’d be sure to tidy up after herself next time.
Environmentally Threatening Sex
Australia has experienced plenty of environmentally-threatening sex, but it’s normally catastrophic eco-crimes like the introduction of the rapidly breeding rabbit, horrors of nature like redback spider sex.
One couple boned so hard it was federally prosecuted as pollution. An Adelaide couple made the Earth move so hard neighbors thought Godzilla had gotten lost and called the emergency services. Responding police officers issued an emergency Environment Protection Order forbidding them from loud sex for three days.
I don’t know what effect that was meant to have. That’s basically a police award for first place in sex. If the police awarded me proof that my boning was awesome enough to cause legal action, I’d only stop banging long enough to frame that order and hang it above the bed. And the couple agreed, getting it on so hard the police had to come twice within the warning period. Which probably isn’t as often as the couple. That is literally how you tell interfering busybodies to f*$k off. The police took the whole thing in good humor, themselves being victims of the same frigidly jealous neighbors as the couple, but had to eventually arrest the couple for humping with intent to have a really good time.
Like A Statue
An Austrian student was arrested for getting drunk and then getting busy with a partner pressed against the side of a building. The problem was that the partner was always against the side of the building, and is still there now. Because it was a bronze lion statue. Police officers found the world’s strongest set of beer goggles perched on a man who was perched on the metal cat, grunting away with his trousers around his ankles.
How is that even possible? How do you screw solid bronze? Either the sculptor incorporated radically different features than those normally accepted for statuary or Superman’s origin story has gone desperately wrong. The student pleaded drunkenness and general otherwise innocence, and a very understanding judge handed down a suspended sentence and a £20 fine. Which will presumably be spent on some bronze polish, a scrubbing pad, and a very thick pair of gloves which will only be used once.
Luke McKinney watches the new Halo series and mocks The Craziest Scientific Theories of U.S. Politicians.