Wil Wheaton wins at everything. You don’t have to be a Star Trek fan to know this is true. You’re on the internet right now, and there are two people that come up constantly on the internet: Mark Zuckerberg, founder of Facebook, and Wil Wheaton, founder of everything else.
To prove his awesomeness and also raise money for the Pasadena Humane Society, Wheaton’s been auctioning off crap he found while clearing out his garage. One item was a DVD of Stand By Me, which Wil threw his John Hancock on and auctioned off for $710.00.
The second item was a bit more interesting. His name is Silas. He was once a hero in semi-amateur sports but, due to injury, was forced to retire early and do what about 90% of the world population wishes they could do: live in Wil Wheaton’s garage. Yes, Silas is a dented ping pong ball that Wil Wheaton sold for $1,135.00. No, that is not a typo.
This isn’t the first time celebrities have auctioned off random things, either for charity or their own salvation, so we introduce to you other celebrity auctions to prove that Wil Wheaton wins, again.
William Shatner’s Kidney Stone
It makes sense to pit the Great Wil against another Star Trek Will, especially when it comes to auctioning off garbage that normal people would be charged to get rid of. In this case, it was a kidney stone.
In 2006, William Shatner auctioned off his recently passed kidney stone for a charity to build a house for Habitat for Humanity. The winning bid? $25,000.00 Due to the amount of pain Shatner endured passing it and the fact that a corporation bought the stone, Wheaton wins. If the kidney stone had been named and gone to an actual fan, this contest may have gone very differently.
Scarlett Johansson’s Nose Goblins
Secretions and excretions seem to fetch a high price in celebrity auctions. This was proven in 2008 when Scarlett Johansson blew her nose on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and bagged up the snot-rag for charity.
The used tissue was auctioned for a mere $5,300.00, which went to the hunger charity USA Harvest. It could have gone for more, and defeated Wil Wheaton, if only nose mucus could be used to create an army of Scarlett Johansson clones. Then again, we don’t know what tests the tissue may be currently going through.
Justin Timberlake’s Half-Eaten French Toast
Body fluid isn’t the only type of celebrity waste that catches a higher price than the garbage that I put by the curb at night. In 2000, the staff at New York’s Z-100 nabbed Justin Timberlake’s half-eaten French toast and auctioned it off for $1,025.00. That amount was matched by Z-100, and donated to a charity of N’Sync’s choosing.
While a piece of moldy, sugared toast may seem more useful than a dented ping pong ball, the fact that N’Sync hasn’t helped men seduce women for ten years and the allegations by Lance Bass that it was HIS French toast leads Wil Wheaton to beat out this celebrity auction as well. Besides, Wil did all the work setting up an Ebay account while the N’Sync guys merely decided they weren’t hungry.
Corey Haim’s Tooth & Hair
Oh boy. Okay, this…this one isn’t going to be funny. The late teen idol hit rock bottom and then kept drilling in the early aughts, and we’re not going to make fun of that, obviously. Amid that maelstrom of self-destruction was an auction so weird it defies belief. Crushed by medical bills following an overdose, Haim tried to sell a molar and some locks of hair on eBay. The auction was yanked by eBay, who apparently have some Draconian policy against selling human body parts (whatever happened to the First Amendment in this country? Our ancestors wore body parts all the time!), but prior to that, it reached a mere $150. Considering tweens used to rack up phone bills much higher than that to hear pre-recorded messages from The Haimster, their failure to seize upon a real-life relic is especially sad. Come on, women of America, not even one bid for nostalgia?
So yeah…a tooth and hair. It’s just very sad. Wheaton beats this one simply by surviving and thriving beyond child stardom.
Katy Perry’s Cupcake Trampoline
To be honest, I had no idea that Katy Perry ever had a cupcake trampoline, much less used it in a video. I was much too invested in her appearance on Saturday Night Live wearing the greatest Elmo shirt ever.
The idea of Katy Perry jumping on a cupcake trampoline is indeed one well worth paying for. . Unfortunately, the $4,966.00 selling price did not include Katy Perry actually jumping on the trampoline in front of the winner. If that were the case, tsunami and earthquake victims in Japan would have gotten 100 times as much aid and, most importantly, Katy Perry would have defeated Wil Wheaton.
To defeat Cher as she auctions off her underwear piece by piece, one must be cunning, vigilant, and, above all, Wil Wheaton.
In 2007, Cher got the idea to auction off her used black bra, making men everywhere learn everything about how to get involved in auctions. Unfortunately, this auction was closed to the public, if it even happened at all. The item was sold to the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas for an undisclosed amount of money, which would probably have been tripled if fans were allowed to bid.
Due to the unknown amount and lack of fan participation, Wil Wheaton wins by default.
Patrick Emmel has a love/hate relationship with Wil Wheaton that stems back to his childhood while watching Star Trek: The Next Generation. Wil Wheaton is unaware of him, like so many other crazed fans. You can see some of his work at www.theineptowl.com or heckle him on Twitter @Patrick_AE.
Patrick loves irony, which is why he wrote about Public Access Shows Even Weirder than Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule.