Asinine Analysis: THE BIG GAME!
After a week’s break from football, aka the Pro Bowl, we finally come to the game that has football fans rallying to make the Monday after Super Bowl Sunday a national holiday. Or, a national hangover day. Yes, this Sunday is Super Bowl XLVII.
I’m not saying the Pro Bowl is totally worthless, but when the best play of the game is when NFL super-ref Ed “Deez Gunz” Hochuli calls a penalty, there’s some room for improvement. Improvement that may not happen if the NFL pulls the plug on the Pro Bowl.
Luckily, we had our own Pro Bowl event, the Asinine Award, where the worst of the worst in the NFL were showcased in their ridiculousness. The “Mark Sanchez Butt-Fumble” slipped past “Tom Brady Sweeps the Leg” to claim the title of worst NFL event of the year. Congratulations, Mark Sanchez. If we had a real trophy, we’d be sure to give it to you.
Now we are at a real game, Super Bowl XLVII aka the HarBaughl, or Har Bowl, or Super Baugh, or whatever else you may think of, as John Harbaugh and the Baltimore Ravens take on Jim Harbaugh and the San Francisco 49ers after only communicating via text message for almost 2 weeks.
Sunday, February 3rd, 2013
SUPER BOWL XLVII
Baltimore Ravens @ San Francisco 49ers
After surviving the New England Cobra Kai, the Ravens seem to be a team of destiny, and not just because the latest NFL drinking game is to take a shot any time a sports reporter says “Ray Lewis.” Yes, we all know Ray Lew is retiring after this season and nothing would make a story-line better than for Ray to leave with a Super Bowl ring. The logical thing would be to cast Lewis right into television. He’s already doing great in Madden commercials next to Paul Rudd. How about getting him involved in this new season of Arrested Development? At the very least, a role in the show will make use his Raven Dance. It wasn’t until Joe Flacco opened his mouth about a Super Bowl game in an out-door northern stadium that everyone that wasn’t a 49ers fan was rooting for the Ravens.
Meanwhile, the 49ers are poised to win another Super Bowl in the wreckage of a quarterback controversy. With Alex Smith playing a Joe Montana who hasn’t won a Championship game, Colin Kaepernick playing a tattooed Steve Young, and Jim Harbaugh playing a young George Seifert, The 49ers continue a tradition of confusion that usually leads to wins.
The game itself looks to be gritty, as both teams have good defenses, particularly against each others’ offensive game plans. Who are the Ravens if not a defensive-minded AFC Falcons team? Who are the 49ers if not a defensive-minded…well, the AFC really doesn’t have a team like the 49ers, but the Ravens beat the Patriots, and everyone knows beating the Patriots is akin to winning the Super Bowl itself.
LINE: 49ers by 4
REGULAR SEASON RECORD: 123-132
PLAYOFF RECORD: 5-5
Patrick Emmel is a self-proclaimed sports analyst that aspires to become the next Jim Rome, but hasn’t had the chance to refer to a football player by the name of a female tennis player. You can see more of his work at www.theineptowl.com or heckle him on Twitter @Patrick_AE.
Patrick previously used his football knowledge to break down the best, worst and downright horrible draft picks in NFL history. –>
He also entered an epic crusade to find a bar for each and every NFL team in New York City to show how unbiased he is.