People have standards. And those people are total @$$#0!%$.
The Super Bowl is the best day of the year second only to July 4th and Cinco De Mayo, which tie for first in the list of holidays ordered by quantity of guacamole consumed. But guess what? You’re team isn’t in the Super Bowl this year. Something terrible happened. Something worse than getting a tattoo of your wife wearing another man’s uniform on your thinner-than-it-used-to-be but not sightly shoulder area.
That’s it. Just kidding. There’s more damage to be done. But nothing says “I don’t care about your fandom” like Buffalo Chik’n Dip.
Constantly Ask “What Is Football?”
Gross. Get out. Worst party ever.
Lose the TV
Don’t just take it off the wall and sit it on top of the recycling bin in the garage. Literally lose it. Put it on the flatbed of a truck and drive without it strapped down. Blast music so loud you can’t hear it tumble violently to the earth as you hit speedhumps at 64mph.
Don’t Tell Anyone Any Awesome Stories
Especially the one about how you lost your TV. It would make up for the fact that there’s no TV and almost fix the party.
Broadcast Animal Planet’s Puppy Bowl Over the Radio like it’s an Old-Time Baseball Game
The Puppy Bowl is a day-long looped show of literally the most adorable living things on the planet playing with little footballs on a green patch of flooring made to look like a football field. The sad announcers narrate their every move and referees come in to wipe the pee during commercial breaks. This is the football version of the Yule Log channel–you can leave it on mute and silently impress everyone you know with your creative and lazy approach to TV art. Which is why just when everyone thinks this party is going to turn around for the better, you only play the audio of the sad announcer. There is nothing worse than not looking at puppies while hearing about puppies.
Ask Guests to Help You Build Something
It’s “if you build it, they will come” but it should be “if they come, they’ll help you build it” when referring to worst party tactics. Listen, you were kind enough to open your house to them, they should be prepared to reciprocate the kindness by replacing your Brita filter on that pesky sink that just doesn’t have the right faucet for those kinds of things.
Obsessively Clean on People
“Can I take your plate of nothing since there’s no food at this party? Actually, can I just send the Roomba under your feet for a hot second. Looks like you have some dust on those New Balances. Wait a minute, let me take a look at that jersey. Is that ketchup??” Punch yourself. Unless you’re throwing the worst Superbowl Party ever. Then high-five yourself.
Make Everyone Leave with 12:45 to go in the Fourth Quarter
If everyone hasn’t already peaced out by this time, it’s a perfect time to force them out of the house and into the vast universe of packed bars and strangers’ house parties that they won’t get into. If you’re really lucky, they live so far away, they miss the entire trophy ceremony and you get the pleasure of retelling the story of the epic last quarter comeback as you reattached your TV in the living room and found the guac.
Rachel Roderman is a writer and comedian based in Los Angeles by way of NJ. She wrote the webisode Coco & Ruby and contributes to HelloGiggles.com, both of which are the exact opposite of this website. Follow her on Twitter @rachelroderman.