Reporting Luke McKinney
We live in the coolest future. We might not have warp drives, but Captain Kirk was never allowed to watch the big game on that big viewscreen of his. Super Bowl Sunday isn’t an event, it’s a sacrament, and for that day it does more for mankind than most religions. Because while the gods demand that you serve them for rewards later, our titans do battle to give us heaven of food, drink and relaxation right now.
Many sites try to get in on the Super Bowl action with lists of gadgets, because men like gadgets. But it’s usually a worse combination of testosterone-based things than blending your testicles with power tools. Each one is a list of giant grilling equipment and drinks preparation technology, because they think you want to spend your Day of Days Off as a waiter. Sure, we eat and we drink, but they’re missing the most important aspect: the Super Bowl is an excuse. A nationwide excuse for everyone to kick back for an entire day of enjoyment. IMG http://www.thinkstockphotos.ca/image/stock-photo-friends-cheering-while-watching-sports-on/76730799 That’s why we’ve found the real fun gadgets for the Super Bowl. The ones you can write off as party planning expenses right now, and then enjoy all year. Because it’s a known fact that the Super Bowl doesn’t obey the same physical, biological or financial laws as the rest of the year. On any other day, paying thousands of dollars to watch men the size and approximate shape of refrigerators grunting against each would only happens in Japan. IMG http://www.thinkstockphotos.ca/image/stock-photo-sumo-wrestlers/dv843010 CAPTION That said, these guys might help the Saints’ defense. It’s not like they could make it worse.
The Clicker Remote combines the remote control with a bottle opener, which sounds like an attempt to find the most permanently lost item in history. They could only make it more guaranteed to disappear if they combined it with car keys, but that would open a whole host of other problems (as well as your beer and car, which is several of the problems). That’s at least six permutations of illegal. The idea is simple, the same way Forrest Gump was simple: it spreads goodness and hope everywhere it goes. It’s not just a tool, this all powerful wand the closest our democratic society can come to awarding someone a royal scepter. And this is far more fun to use. Scepters are actually pretty heavy, and a remote control offers a far lower (but non-zero) chance of being assassinated by those jealous of your power. You wouldn’t replace your existing remote, but the next time you lose your magic wand – or if you’re some sort of stick-juggling caveman who still has four control boxes instead of a universal remote – you now know what you need to buy.
The Radio Control cooler is nothing less than a real world R2D2, but even better than the movies. Because as fun as tasers and blowtorches are, you don’t get use those on visitors for a fun night together. Unless you’re Marcellus Wallace. And even then you’ll probably want some beer. The R/C Cooler is the exact overlap of being a boy and a man simultaneously. Remote control cars have always been a ridiculous amount of fun. Turning it into a tanker of happyjuice only makes it more enjoyable. And something becoming even more fun than a remote control car is something that even pure childish joy couldn’t comprehend. This is possibly even cooler than a remote control helicopter. For one thing, it’s physically cooler. For another it has the ability to make the entire room spin, not just a few rotors.
Sometimes all you want is something wonderful and lots of it. Super Bowl Sunday is merely one of those days (there are up to 364 more). It’s a day where the nation’s desires synchronize so perfectly that the power plants, pizza companies and sanitation workers have to synchronize their activities like a Mission Impossible team. Except they’re working on something much more important. This normally means a couple of crates of beer (with your friends bringing more), but why not live in luxury forever? Even the most advanced cans and bottles add critical delays to the drinking process. If you’ve got friends and family joining you for the sacrament of sport, why not use their joy as an excuse to install an altar of refreshment? Get yourself a kegerator. You’ve always wanted one, and this isn’t just a party rental, this is investing a permanent upgrade to your quality of life. The fact you’ll never need to leave your house for another game night, as friends bring tribute of chips and pizza, is a mere side-effect. Got all the gadgets you need? Trick out your Bowl party with some merch instead, like a chips ‘n’ dip tray or some coasters. Then relax and let the crockpot cook you up one of our Championship Chili recipes.