Vegas Odds on the True Te’o Hoaxer’s Identity

The true culprit behind the fake murder of Lennay Kekkua...REVEALED!
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Professor Plum? The Riddler? WHO?!?

Professor Plum? The Riddler? WHO?!?

DogBadge Writers Andrew Slafta
Andrew Slafta is a "hopeful comedic writer" with an emphasis on the...
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by Andrew Slafta

By most accounts, 2013 has already been a sports year for the ages. In just about a month we have seen one of the craziest and most drama filled NFL playoffs in recent memory (of course capped off soon by the “Har-bowl, Brother Vs. Brother, ‘Thunderdome’ rules battle of the century), a total collapse of any and all order in NCAA basketball, the first ever red card for violence against a ball boy, the biggest confession regarding athletic doping ever, and an unbelievable — and totally fulfilling — collapse of the All-Star stacked Los Angeles Lakers as they play their way towards becoming the fourth best NBA franchise…in California.

Yet none of this has even come CLOSE to overshadowing perhaps the most interesting sports related story since Mike Tyson was at his face tattooing, Muhammed prophesizing, baby eating peak. The Manti Te’o and Lennay Kekkua love story has had EVERYTHING. Live girlfriend, dead girlfriend. Real girlfriend, fake girlfriend. Just three lovers, just six accomplices. There has been deceit, dishonesty, confusion, phone logs, recordings, aliases, alibis, leukemia, ressurection, de-ressurection, and for some reason, an Arizona Cardinal. All for gossip about who a kid in college was or was not dating.

Weeks after the story broke, we seem further from understanding the “who,” “what,” “where,” and “huh” of this tangled chaotic love decagon. Why has the truth been so hard to find? Why don’t we know for sure who is behind Lennay Kekkua? Why do questions in articles often come in threes? It’s time to take a deeper look into this scandal — beyond the surface, the coverage, or the facts — to figure out who is really behind this mystery. And I don’t mean who the liberal media “tell” us is “behind” this, I mean the puppeteer pulling the strings. The diabolical mastermind who could engineer such a twisted and disturbed web of lies. Only then will we be able to bury this atrocity in our minds. And not fake — Lennay Kekkua bury — I mean actual bury. Just thought I should clarify that.

On to the truth!

Culprit? Ronaiah Tuiasosopo

Artist's approximation.

Artist’s depiction.

Vegas Odds: Whatever the Vegas odds are for “This guy definitely did it,” unless Te’o is paying him to take the fall by pretending to be a bunny boiler, and the odds of that are only slightly better than you coming home to find Jaime Pressly waiting for you in heels and not much else.

Best Known For: Having anyone doubt he had a hand in this, when his name sounds exactly like one of the incantations from the book in Evil Dead.

Why? And there’s the rub. Tuiasosopo admitted to Dr. Phil that he played a big old role in all of this mess. But why? What is the end game to picking on some random college football player? He says he was in love, which deeply misunderstands the meaning of the word. But why do it in the first place? If it were money, the plan made no sense. If it were fame, any person with the wherewithal to concoct this elaborate scheme had to have the general sense to surmise at some point this would lead to infamy, not fame. If it were boredom, it’s called the internet, dude. There’s enough porn out there to waste eons, get a handle on yourself (and yes, pun wholeheartedly intended). This guy is a pawn, a patsy, another P-word that means similar things. Prawn? Let’s go with prawn.

Click on to see our candidates for the shadowy cabal…

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