How to Screw Over the Living from Beyond the Grave

View Comments
"This'll teach em!"

“This’ll teach em!”

DogBadge Writers Josh Hrala
Josh also writes articles for Cracked.com, which can be found here. He...
Read More

Look, we’re sorry to break it to you but some of you won’t be ghosts. Don’t take it too hard, champ because there are plenty of ways you can haunt the living hell out of family members long after you’ve turned to dust. Take (and learn) from these people who took the last action they have in life, their final will and testament, to brutally screw with those that live carry on after them.

Mentally Scar Them for Eternity

You could just get buried or cremated, but this isn’t amateur hour and you have family members to scar before you just give up. Take Ingrid Newkirk, the crazy person who invented PETA and the only person on the earth who hates bacon. How do you go out with a bang when you already dump blood on fashion models? Easy, you take your body apart and send it to people. We don’t think that USPS had that in mind when they coined “If it fits it ships.

Other people may be a little too willing to help you out with this.

Other people may be a little too willing to help you out with this.

She wants her parts used in the creation of different products such as using her body “meat” used for a human barbecue, then her skin to be made into purses and other leather goods, her feet to be used in the creation of an umbrella stand, and her thumbs mounted on a plaque. Yes because that’s the completely logical thing to do, mount your thumbs on a plaque. Oh, and make sure one is a thumbs up and one a thumbs down and send each one respectively to the people in the world who are standing up for animal rights or are the worst offenders to animal rights. It’s really the only way people will get the message!

Remember that someone has to do this to her body too. That poor SOB is going to be completely ruined forever. Her family as well, we’re not sure if they will take her dismembering of her body so cheekily as she did. Oh, and she wants her pointer finger to be sent to Kenneth Feld, the clown behind Barnum & Bailey because why not?

Take All the Joy out of a Childhood Wonder

Another great way of making sure no one will forget your dumb ass when you pass away (and also instantly let everyone know you were off your lid) is to do what Hunter S. Thompson did. The author of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas  had himself loaded up in Zambelli fireworks and impregnated the sky with his ashes. Johnny Depp was even present at the funeral, so no doubt he has a little Hunter  S. Thompson still lingering in his lungs. So you can put your family through seeing your blow up inside a purple firework and give them black lung at the same time. Two birds, one stone, yada yada yada counseling and therapy for your loved ones.

Get Even! You Always Get the Last Word With a Will

If there is one person in your life that you want to get even with beyond the grave most likely it’ll be a spouse. Husband and wives are always trying to win arguments when they are alive, even if the arguments are generally meaningless.

So after a lifelong debate about which way the damn toilet paper goes, sometimes you just gotta go bananas and freak out by not buying toilet paper anymore? We don’t know, this is your problem. Samuel Bratt had a problem with his wife–she didn’t like him smoking his cigars inside the house. Bratt was displeased. So how did he handle it? Like a rational adult? Hell no.

He waited, and waited until it was time for him to die, and he gave his wife his fortune under one condition–she must smoke five cigars a day. Unless your wife is David Letterman this is a tough task to stomach, but how much does your dignity cost? Now convert that to pounds of tobacco.

It’s not always wives though that need to feel the wrath of unnecessary nonsense while grieving, sometimes it seems to be other love interests. Take what Philip Grundy did, he gave everything to his dental assistant on one condition–that she not wear make up, or see any men for five years. What a jealous douche right? But totally the most badass means of douchery ever. Her nickname is now Sarah Plain and Tall according to a source we just made up.

So just remember, if you don’t win an argument in real life sometimes you can just be a butt hole and totally mess with the lives of everyone around you when you die. It’s simple. Now get out there and be someone.


Josh Hrala
Heckle not, lest ye be heckled, and pummel not, lest ye be pummeled.

Heckle not, lest ye be heckled.

Josh Hrala is also a writer for Cracked.com and his work can be found here. He would love to chat on Facebook. Or you can talk to him about writing stuff at joshhrala@gmail.com.

Well sure, it's easy to relax if this is who's waiting on your bed for purposes of a) napping, b) stretching, and c)  other.

Sure, it’s easy to relax with a beautiful woman napping on your bed.

Josh accounted for 4 Sports Heroes You Shouldn’t Heckle (or Assault) and then explained the way to avoid that in How to Relax, Now With More Science!

View Comments
blog comments powered by Disqus
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 2,521 other followers