Did Porn Ruin Vine or Did Vine Ruin Porn?

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"Don't worry, hon. I read that there's a guy breaking into houses and leaving porn on people's computers."

“Don’t worry, hon. I read that there’s a guy breaking into houses and leaving porn on people’s computers.”

100_0672 Luis Prada
Luis Prada’s a columnist for Cracked, and his work can also be found...
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by Luis Prada

Twitter had a good thing going with limiting how much a person can say at one time. But they could only ride that train for so long before they needed to expand the portfolio of generally time-wasting nonsense they offered their users. So they created Vine, a video service available only on Apple products that – keeping with Twitter tradition – limits the length of an uploaded video to only six-seconds.

Almost instantly people started uploading porn. Really raunchy stuff, too; none of that weak-ass Cinemax crap. One video was even accidentally given an Editor’s Choice award by Twitter and was heavily featured before everyone realized it was a six-second clip of oral sex. It just goes to show that if you create something innovative and unique, people will throw porn onto it almost as a test run to make sure it works; a virtual kicking of the tires but with full penetration and money shots.

With videos maxed out at six seconds, coupled with humanity’s need to add porn to things the way you add salt to a bland meal, Vine has inadvertently reintroduced an internet phenomenon that was thought to be extinct — the dreaded porn teaser clip. For those too young to understand, back in the late ’90s and early 2000s, when internet speeds were slow and every site was like a spring-loaded peanut brittle can filled with invasive popup ads, internet porn was regulated to still images and very short video clips that were to porn what free samples of Italian sausage were to a grocery store meat department. They were the bane of a masturbator’s existence. The only way these micro-slices of pornography could be made useful was by setting the video to loop, which turned it into a GIF of sorts. If you found a teaser clip above 15 seconds, you were likely to die with it in your hands like Gollum hugging the ring as he fell into to the fires of Mordor.

"The graphics are so life-like!"

“The graphics are so life-like!”

Somehow, even in this age where people can get endless hours of porn for free and with very little effort, there’s still a need to have porn stuffed into every digital orifice, even if it means having to revert back to the annoying old ways. In that sense, Vine is the Instagram that porn has been waiting for; an unnecessary throwback to an old, antiquated, and retrospectively silly way of doing things…just with porn, which instantly makes the whole thing so much less impressive than I made it sound. What’s worse, it’s not even being imposed on us. We’re doing it to ourselves. For fun! That’s like seeing a modern kid eschew his X-Box and copy of Call of Duty for pushing a loop down the street with a stick.

But the real issue at the heart of this story is being skirted by every outlet reporting on it is, really, what good is a six-second porn clip to anyone? Who’s benefiting from this?

The general public’s going to get pissed off — Vine isn’t for porn, so it shouldn’t have porn on it — but what about the rest of us? People who depend on the internet for their needs can’t possibly be happy with six-second porn clips delivered via Twitter, whether it was intentional or not. At that point self-stimulation just becomes a game of Beat The Clock, and that clock is an unforgiving master ominously holding a scythe over your genitals and laughing as you shrivel and collapse under the immense pressure. There are no busy masturbators on the go who can only get off in six-second intervals between power lunches and high-profile corporate meetings. The whole process is a waste of time and doesn’t do much of anything other than prove people will upload porn to anything given the chance.

"Peeeee-niiiiiisssss!!"

“Ha ha, I’m not touching you! And now you’re not touching you, either!”

Vine is just a microcosm of the internet as a whole, and a microcosm of humanity, too. When given the opportunity to make something great, our first and most uncontrollable instinct is to be dirty. It’s easier than creating something new and clean, because that involves diving deeper into our brains and actually thinking. What you saw out of Vine when people started uploading porn was people being unable to control their impulses, which is good in a way. It let the internet say what everyone was thinking, and what everyone was thinking was penises and vaginas. Ultimately, Vine’s sexy beginning was like the first draft of a novel: it’s probably not going to be good. Worry about making it good in later attempts; just let the first draft be as bad as it wants to be. As the porn is being scrubbed from Vine, it’s time to let its users write the second draft of what Vine can and should be. Just don’t be surprised if the second draft still has some graphic sex scenes in it.


Better to see little green women than little green men.

Better to see little green women than little green men.

Luis Prada’s work can be found on Cracked, FunnyCrave, The Smoking Jacket, and GuySpeed. If you visit his Tumblr page, The Devil Wears Me, he will give you a non-refundable virtual hug.

Clearly, the flu turns you into Emperor Palpatine.

Clearly, the flu turns you into Emperor Palpatine.

Luis explained Explained Mark Sanchez’s Entire NFL Career in a Single Tattoo and chronicled 4 Mistakes Idiots Make in Flu Season.

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