The Chinese Zodiac of Annoying Facebook Friends

It’s often overlooked, but Chinese New Year–or as it’s known in Mandarin, “New Year,” is an amazing holiday. I would hesitate to say it dwarfs American New Year–on the basis that everything American is by far and away the best version of anything (See: Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, PF Chang’s, and subsequently our version of childhood obesity) — but it’s darn close. Chinese New Year has envelopes full of money, rice wine, a crazy menagerie of animals and dragons, enough fireworks to film a Michael Bay-directed Rush Hour reboot, and no Carson Daly. Or as he’s known in Mandarin, “Putrid Eel Waste.”

In honor of this tremendous holiday, I’d like to offer my help in bringing some of the traditions of the Chinese New Year to the forefront of American culture. In particular: the animals of the Chinese Zodiac. Sure we all know the animals (Tiger, Dragon, Rooster, Pig, I think there’s a ferret or a lemur in there somewhere too), but do we really know about their predictive powers? About what someone’s Chinese Zodiac Animal can say about them? No. No you don’t know. How horrible are you?

Let us take a look at the predictive powers of the Chinese Zodiac in relation to a modern medium all are familiar with: Facebook. And the awful people who populate it. Except you of course. You are awesome. Have I told you that lately?

Zodiac Animal: Snake

Traits: Romantic, Vain

Who they are on Facebook: “The Girl Who Can’t Stop Updating You on Her Romantic Life”

SnakeI’m just going to go ahead and call her “Kelemenni,” because there’s a 95% chance the one you know best is called “Kelly,” Emily,” or “Jenny.” And there’s also a 95% chance that her name could similarly sound like a terrorist, because for some reason she’s got improperly placed “I’s,” “E’s,” and weird consonants all over the place. (It’s Emily, not Emmelie. Kristen, not Crystyn. It’s America, not French Polynesia, people.)

Kelemenni is the girl on your mini-feed who just can’t help remind you that she is in a relationship. And not just by celebrating those important anniversaries and moments with a shout-out to her “boo,” Kelemenni celebrates everything. Like how her boyfriend got her her favorite ice cream to celebrate their 3 & 1/3 week anniversary. Well, not “got,” but more so “left her some.” Kelemenni chronicles every date, every fight, every song that reminds her of an emotion she had once while thinking about that movie she watched four months ago with her boyfriend.

The worst part: Kelemenni is not phased by breakups, divorces, or even failed sky-diving proposal deaths. When Kellemeni and her BF do split–and trust me, they will–Kelemenni will chronicle every moment of her single life, in reference and relation to her past love. Did you know brushing your teeth just feels different when you’re single? Because Kelemenni does. And she wants to share that with you. Well, until three weeks from now when she falls in love again.

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