Reporting Josh Hrala
So you’re alone in the world and feel like no one understands your love for the mundane charm of My Little Pony. Or, perhaps you have some crazy fetish you’ve tucked away and plan on taking to the grave because you know getting tickled until you pee is sort of frowned upon. Well it looks like you’re screwed, just kidding these dating sites below prove the Internet truly isn’t just for Japanese tentacle porn and can provide path to creating loving relationships filled with rainbows and glitter. Sort of…
PURRsonals – For Those Smitten with a Kitten
This site is perfect for the cat lover in everyone on the internet, and also a huge turn-on for people that love dumb puns. We’re sure you’ve heard about this site in your monthly subscription to Feline Wellness or on The Ellen DeGeneres Show. Purrsonals is for cat lovers by cat lovers and you can tell just by going to their website and taking a gander. You can tell immediately that the site either was created in the ’90s era of web design or by some old lady with a cat ass staring her in the face as she cried a lonely song of romance.
The site aims to bring cat lovers together, but to us it seems more of a way for crazy people to get together and discuss crazy people things such as, well, cats. Cat toys, catnip (one of the fourteen cats at the Man Cave office had a real problem with the nip but after extensive rehab and a good support system we got him back on the straight and narrow. We love you Mittens!), scratching posts, favorite types of dead birds left on porches–the topics are endless! With such a deep connection on a cat-based level how could these relationships ever fail? Oh right, because they are based off of cats and not human emotion but whatever, that’s just petty details.
VampirePassions – Where You Can Pretend You’re a Vampire
We can hear you already asking where this site has been all of your life. One, two, three, let us paint you a mind painting. You’re seventeen and you have a huge nerdgasm at Hot Topic because the world is filled with too much sunshine. You learn how to read, probably around age eighteen because listening to Marilyn Manson isn’t the best way to become well read. You find genre fiction–more importantly you find vampire genre fiction–and from that moment on you realize that you are one of the dark lords. Then you wake up from that dream and realize you’re just a douche with black nail polish and eyeliner sitting around smoking cloves and hating the establishment. Even if you shop at “hardcore” stores you still fit in with the mainstream by not fitting in the mainstream, conformist. (Did we just blow your mind? Sorry.) If that was or is you, you’re in luck because VampirePassion is a thing and it’ll hook you up with a sexy vampire or whatever the word is for lady vampire so you can truly live in a world of dusty tomes and sadness.
They offer free vampire chat and message boards. What else could you want in this day and age?! It even says about being the same blood type, you know, so it tastes the same. We guess. VampirePassion is perfect for the lonely vampires of today. “Aye girl, you wanna join my coven?”
PositiveSingles – Where People with Infections Meet
AIDS. Herpes. Cooties. Whatever STD you may have or may catch from screwing around with blood types at VampirePassion, this site is for you. No longer are the days where people suffering from STDs are forced into a life of celibacy or lying to everyone they have sex with. Now you can easily waltz over to PositiveSingles and find true love with someone else who already has the same diseases as you do. Or, for those aspiring to become diseased, this is a sure fire way to get into the club.
This site is the only legitimate one on this list. It actually does provide a service that isn’t bat feces crazy. People with STDs do need love too and deserve to find that love. But why is the site only for people with STDs? Why can’t a regular dating site take on this challenge and have the members marked as STD positive? Maybe it’s so the site can have a punny ass name.
Pounced – For Those of Us Who Just Want to Be Animals
If you’re a person who actively has to resist putting on your horse head in the morning then have no fear there are others who have the exact same problem. Is your favorite movie Seabiscuit? Do you get a turned on by that part in The Godfather where there’s a horse head in the bed? (Dammit, we just got a little Dr. Seuss like on that last line, RIP Mr. Geisel.) If you have answered yes to any of these questions then Pounced is where you can go to breed with other people who fancy themselves beasts.
Again the site looks like it was made in 1997, which clearly leads to the conclusion that it is credible and should be trusted fully with your love life but only on opposite day. The site is run by a group of furries that do not know how the Internet works post-2000 Y2K scare. Dressing up like a fox or horse or bear is completely normal. Maybe you can even wage war with the ghouls at VampirePassion like some lower budget Twilight reenactment!
Josh dug up The Craziest Last Wishes that Screwed Over the Living and taught you How to Relax, Now With More Science!